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Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Flutie vs. Johnson

Page 2 columnist

The early buzz had Rob Johnson packing his bags. But if you've paid any attention to Doug Flutie's career, you know nothing has ever been that easy for the pint-sized pigskin chucker.

The bottom-line here? Winning isn't everything, especially when you're about to turn 39.

Bills fans are no doubt heartbroken, but the die is cast. Time for yours truly to sort through the wreckage: Johnson, Flutie, and the little QB controversy that couldn't ... let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape.

Category Johnson Flutie Advantage
Hair do's John Kitna Thankfully, has avoided the Jon Kitna jail-cut Doug FlutieMiraculously, has kept his, despite his advancing years Push
Hair don'ts Rob Johnson Circa 1983 Mike Reno/Loverboy headband Doug FlutieCirca 1975 Danny Terrio disco shag Push.
Mean-spirited song lyrics "And he breaks just like a little girl ..." "Short people got no reason ..." Push, and I'll be the first to admit either one of those guys could kick my soft, doughy butt.
Exile on Main Street Surfer must make his bones in frozen tundra of Buffalo Heisman winner must make his bones in a frozen tundra of Edmonton Johnson -- at least it's the NFL
So good they named it after him Johnson & Johnson Flutie Flakes Flutie. Every little kid looks up to the guy on the cereal box.
Could moonlight as An extra on "Baywatch" A lawn dwarf Johnson
What he can't let go of The ball, apparently The resentment of being underappreciated his entire pro career Flutie -- sometimes resentment is the only way to tell you must be doing something right.
Disadvantages Playing in the only NFL city that actually fears his good looks Looking for passing lanes between linemen's legs Push
Their cross to bear Goes down more often then Peter McNeeley Gets dissed more often than a home-plate ump Push
Next stop Dancing with .500 The playoffs Flutie
Now they can relate to Tom Hanks in "Cast Away" Anyone who got voted off the Island Push

So there you have it. It's so simple when you break things down scientifically. This one had more pushes than a girl-fight, but in a broken play that leads to a bootleg touchdown, the advantage goes to Doug Flutie.

Hey, I owe him at least that much for saving the franchise and giving us so many thrills. But hang in there, Rob -- you get the job, and a full 16-game slate, or however many you actually survive behind the Bills offensive line.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at

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