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Tale of the Tape: Men's hoops vs. women's hoops

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Basketball -- the one team sport that boasts a degree of equality between the sexes. Bottom line, you can bet 'em both, college and pro ... although my hat's off to anyone who knows their way around a WNBA teaser card.

However, with equality comes competition. As a man, I feel a deep-seated need to pick a clear winner. I don't care if it's on the playing field, in the boardroom, or on a romantic getaway, I want to see someone on top.

It's time to examine the battle of the sexes: men's hoops versus women's hoops, let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape:

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Men's hoops vs. women's hoops
Category Men's hoops Women's hoops Advantage
3 points A shot from way downtown You're lazy, your promises are meaningless, and I'm sleeping with pool boy. Men's hoops
Officials Refs Mediators Push. No one wins with the zebras, kids.
Favorite Billy Crystal movie "My Giant" "Forget Paris" Push
What they call their groupies Hoochies Ball boys Push -- whatever gets you through the night
Do they dunk? Yes No, unless you count Puritan punishment for witches, and I do! Push
How they argue with coach Choke him Pull her hair Push
When they have children Nine months after every road trip After their playing careers are over Women's hoops
Trash talk "Get that weak **** out of my face!" "That sweat band is soooo last year!" Men's hoops
Blessed with a God-given ability to ... Fill the world with bad rap Burst into tears Women's hoops
When tempers flare A healthy sense of competition Cat Fight! Cat Fight! Women's hoops
Secret shame Too scared to admit they don't "get" the triangle offense Too tall to date anyone in Hollywood Push
Favorite Stooge Curly Bobby Knight Women's hoops

So there you have it. It's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a stunner, the advantage goes to women's hoops. I guess I'm feeling mixed emotions: As a man I mourn, yet my feminine side can't suppress a girlish giggle.

But the really telling stat will be who has a sense of humor about this ... What's that noise? Hmmm. Sounded like my wife closing a suitcase ... Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie ...

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at

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