ESPN Network: | | | ABCSports | EXPN | FANTASY

Bakay's Tale of Tape: Dominator vs. Dominatrix

Page 2

In the immortal words of Redd Foxx, can't a man relax?

Dominik Hasek
Dominik Hasek
For some, relaxation means popping a cold pilsner and hunkering down with some playoff hockey. For others, it might involve a latex mask and a dungeon.

I don't judge.

But it's my job to get to the bottom of things. And in a world that includes a cruel and merciless goalie like Dominik Hasek, who better to face off with The Dominator than the unstoppable force of the pain and leisure industry ... The Dominatrix.

The fact is, you don't score on either, but who truly dominates in May? Let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape...

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Dominator vs. Dominatrix
Category Dominator Dominatrix Advantage
Sabre His team $50 extra Hasek
Vulcanized rubber Pucks Pants Dominatrix
Signature moves A sprawling, snow angel save The gentle pop at the end of a whip Hasek
Top shelf, where Momma hides the cookies The best place to score on him A role-playing game Push
Red The color of the new alternate Sabres jerseys A sign she might have gone too far Hasek
Red light A sure sign he let in a goal A sure sign you're in her neighborhood Dominatrix
Penalties Two minutes in the sin bin Two minutes out of it Hasek
No Excuses Kissing Hasek
Sudden death When you play your best When you call the cops Hasek
Satan A teammate A teammate Hasek. When was the last time Big Red lit the lamp 30 times in a season?
Fans wear ... Hasek jerseys Dog collars Hasek
Playing hurt A nuisance The whole point Dominatrix
"Screen!" What he yells when his vision is blocked The safe word you yell when you want her to stop Push
A product of Czech Republic A bad childhood Hasek
How they would spend their day with Lord Stanley's Cup Sit and gaze at it with family and friends Use it to break your fingers Hasek
The thin red line Separates a save from a goal Separates pleasure from pain Push
What they live for A shutout One salty tear Push

So there you have it, it's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. As the smoke clears from a rough and randy session, the advantage goes ... to Dominik Hasek.

Did you really think the finest goaltender in the world would yield to an out-call service you can find in the Yellow Pages? But hang in there, Trixy, I'm sure your loss will be your 4 o'clock appointment's gain.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at

Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories

tale of the tape 

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Michael Vick vs. Mel Kiper Jr.

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: NHL vs. WWF

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Bengals vs. HMO

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Men's hoops vs. women's hoops

When Sports and Movies Collide

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Tony Soprano vs. Bob Knight

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Mardi Gras vs. Final Four

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Rob Johnson vs. Doug Flutie

Bakay: Deal with the Devil

Bakay's Tale of the Tape:

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: NBA vs. NHL

Bakay: Life without the NFL

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Super Bowl vs. Survivor

Bakay: Baltimore vs. New York Tale of the Tape

Bakay: Shaq vs. Kobe Tale of the Tape

Caple: Fearless Super Bowl predictions

Bakay: It's OK to cheat

Bakay: Old school vs. new school

Bakay's 2000 unexpurgated NBs

Bakay: The line on prima donnas

Copyright ©2001 ESPN Internet Ventures. Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and Safety Information are applicable to this site. Employment opportunities at