ESPN Network: | | | ABCSports | EXPN | FANTASY

Bakay's Tale of the Tape:
Now & Zen for Phil

Page 2

Coming off the Lakers' dominant two-game sweep of the Spurs on the road, tell me the Zen Hoopster isn't secretly thinking "Dynasty 2 -- Electric Boogaloo"?

Phil Jackson
Phil Jackson is on the verge of a repeat in L.A. after winning six titles in Chicago.
Oh sure, the current edition of the once-mighty Bulls have a better shot at reminding Phil Jackson of his years with the Albany Patroons, but way back in the last millennium they were the gold standard.

Granted, things might get interesting if Mike gathers the Prostate Posse for one last Wiz, but in the meantime there is no disputing that Jax is the singular Dynastic Link.

So it's time to take a long, hard look at both editions: Chicago Phil, L.A. Phil. Let's take a cleansing breath, choose the road less traveled, look deep into our spirits and see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Phil's Bulls vs. Phil's Lakers
Chicago Phil

L.A. Phil
Icons that enrich a warrior's enivornment A gym festooned with sacred tribal talismans Jack Nicholson explaining the shot clock to his 19-year-old date Chicago
Visions that test a warrior's heart
The sight of Jerry Krause scarfing down a hot dog

Watching Isaiah Rider struggle with the nuances of telling time
The meaning of a triangle A potent offense The plot to this week's Dawson¹s Creek! Chicago
Required reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance Zen and the Art of Shutting Out the Annoying Gibberish of Dyan Cannon Chicago
The challenge
Convincing his players to stop crying after Jordan humiliated them in practice

Convincing Shaq and Kobe to share
Tribal markings The Worm -- more piercings than the cover girl on this month's "Outlaw Biker" Shaq's Superman tattoo L.A.
You found a way to win with Luc Longley

You have become so powerful you can date the owner's daughter
Distractions on the road to victory The tough love of Jerry Reinsdorf The jiggling love of the Laker Girls L.A. -- Yes! And it counts! And he'll go to the line with the ol' lower chakra!
Assets Michael Jordan, ESPN's athlete of the century Fans who are too busy using their cell phones to boo Chicago
Winning visualizations Splicing powerful movie footage into game tapes Avoiding scenes from Shaq's movies Chicago
Provincial reactions to his Indian headdress He must be off his medication He must be doing extra work on "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman" Push
The day Scottie Pippen refused to re-enter a game

The day his entire team refused to share a home with the Clippers
What it took to get him there Bus fare out of the CBA Five years, 30 million Push!
Eternal questions Would he have won without Jordan? Will my shaman spiritualism work in a city with more religious sects than Starbucks? The eternal yin-yang of everything and nothingness we call ... Pushhhhh.

So, there you have it, it's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a trouncing that defies the gentle Tai Chi of basketball, the advantage goes to ... Chicago Phil.

Hey, six rings is a tough act to follow, but this is a man who got both Jordan and Shaq to pass the ball, thus all things are possible.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at

Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories

tale of the tape 

Being Phil Jackson

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Anna vs. No Anna

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Wilt vs. Shaq

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Playoff Refs vs. Rogue Cops

Tale of the Tape: Dominator vs. Dominatrix

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Michael Vick vs. Mel Kiper Jr.

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: NHL vs. WWF

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Bengals vs. HMO

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Men's hoops vs. women's hoops

When Sports and Movies Collide

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Tony Soprano vs. Bob Knight

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Mardi Gras vs. Final Four

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Rob Johnson vs. Doug Flutie

Bakay: Deal with the Devil

Bakay's Tale of the Tape:

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: NBA vs. NHL

Bakay: Life without the NFL

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Super Bowl vs. Survivor

Bakay: Baltimore vs. New York Tale of the Tape

Bakay: Shaq vs. Kobe Tale of the Tape

Copyright ©2001 ESPN Internet Ventures. Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and Safety Information are applicable to this site. Employment opportunities at