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Tale of the Tape: Tomb Raider vs. Mr. Raider

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Angelina Jolie and Al Davis: Both are now synonymous with Raider franchises, but who is the ultimate marauder?

Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Tomb Raider vs. Mr. Raider
Mr. Raider

Tomb Raider
Transformations A Hollywood team gone Oakland A video game gone Hollywood Tomb Raider
Lips The size of Earth worms The size of the Earth Tomb Raider
Action wear
Kranky Kevlar sweatsuit

A musty, busty T-shirt
Tomb Raider
Do they wear gaudy jewelry? Yes No! Mr. Raider
Motto Just sue, baby Just pout, baby Tomb Raider
Necklace Of Choice
A simple strand of commissioner's ears

Vial of Billy Bob's blood
Mr. Raider
Nemesis Pick 'em Sleeping demons Push
Age Older than rope Old enough Tomb Raider
Where they hide their guns Tucked into his ankle-high booties In her lips Tomb Raider
Goals A commitment to excellence A commitment to a sequel Mr. Raider
What they plunder Your local government Your Doritos Push!
Think a tie is like Kissing his sister Kissing her brother Push. Nobody wins here, kids.
Legacies they must live up to His own A digital sex symbol to computer geeks Tomb Raider
Wiping the floor with
The Chargers

The box office hopes of "Moulin Rouge"
Tomb Raider
Punks Owners who vote against him Her fan base Mr. Raider
Popularity is based on The vertical game The horizontal game Tomb Raider
Distinguishing characteristics
One simple eye patch

Two ... well, you know
Tomb Raider, in a squeaker

So, there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a spiraling kick to the coffin corner, the advantage goes to Lara Croft: Tomb Raider! But hang in there, Big Al. I hear she would have benched Marcus Allen, too.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at

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