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Tale of the Tape:
Clinton vs. Rose

Page 2 columnist

The truth: We thirst for it, particularly when it involves the sordid undoing of an icon.

Bill Clinton gets an eight-figure deal to pen his memoirs? Trust me, they aren't paying for the hot, dirty lowdown on health-care reform.

As for Pete Rose, I don't know what was more shocking -- that longtime defender Tommy Gioiosa finally dropped a dime on Pete-- or that the allegations of cocaine deals and baseball bets graced the pages of Vanity Fair -- a magazine that normally turns its nose up at any story that can't guarantee at least three references to Donatella Versace.

The Pimp-Daddy Prez vs. Charlie Point Spread. We might never know their truth, but we sure can set these two scandal-plagued he-men in the ring and see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Charlie Hustle vs. Slick Willie
Pete Rose
Bill Clinton
Weaknesses   Teasers   Teases   Push
Injured parties waiting for him at home   Ray Fosse   Hillary   Rose
Legends whose stats they eclipsed   Ty Cobb   JFK   Push
Hot reading   When the Dowd report uses words like "over/under"   Chapter 12 Of his memoirs: "Et Tu, Chubby Chaser?"   Clinton
The father of   The Mullett   The first lubricant with the presidential seal   Push
Corked bats   How he allegedly caught Cobb   How he allegedly caught chlymidia   The word allegedly -- it allows you to print anything
Famous quotes in their original form   "I did not bet on baseball ... that was my evil twin."   "I feel your pain ... it's in your left breast."   Push
Animals they pretend to care about   Schotzzie   Socks   Clinton -- Hey, I moonlight as a freakin' talking cat, I'm contractually obligated to say that!
The market price for memories   $500 per signed bat (forged by Gioiosa)   $1,000,000 per peccadillo   Clinton
Amazing talents   He only needs two syllables to say the name "Giamatti"   He's still married!   Rose
No personal calls   Using the dugout phone to call his bookie   Using the missile deployment hot line for a bootie call   Push
We felt their pain   When Jim Gray soiled the Century Team celebration   When we saw Paula Jones   Push
Where you won't be seeing them soon   The Hall of Fame   A Promise Keepers' rally   Rose

So, there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a photo-finish with blackmail written all over it, the advantage goes to ... an extremely rare Push.

One man has more base hits than anyone in the history of the game, one man brought us a stock market that plumped your IRAs -- I wish both were still in the game. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at

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