Tale of the Tape: Disneyland vs. Big Mall
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

In the past eight months, playoff series have seen the Angels prevail over the Twins and the Lakers dispatch the T-Wolves. Couple past results with a 3-zip lead, and California's Mighty Ducks should survive the Minnesota Wild, eh? Not so fast. Especially when you consider the Wild have already battled back from a pair of 3-1 deficits. Two underdogs stunning hockey's elite is the stuff of stunning viewing, yet hockey's numbers are down in a big way. Which begs the question: What the hell are you watching, the NBA playoffs? Where games only reach critical mass during the 45 minutes it takes to run off the final 45 seconds? Where players get a foul for nudging someone?

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so it's come to this: In a feeble attempt to make the Western Finals more relatable to a soft populace, it's time to approach Anaheim and Bloomington from a different angle: Tourist attractions. THE MALL OF AMERICA, which draws 42 million visitors every year, versus the original family destination; DISNEYLAND. Let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape…

Mall of America vs. Disneyland
Mall of America
Beware when:   Kirby Puckett follows you to the bathroom   Michael Jackson rents out the entire park, just for the two of you   Push, and pass the pepper spray
They claim to be:   The largest fully enclosed retail and entertainment complex in America   The happiest place on earth   Disneyland. Is fully enclosed such a good thing?
Sweet Jesus!:   They've got a JCrew right next to a Banana Republic   The opened a Spearmint Rhino in Downtown Disney!   Disneyland
The best place to:   Get run over in the parking lot by Randy Moss   See old Rally Monkeys panhandling   Push
Sanitized metaphors:   Weiner On A Stick   The only Main Street, USA devoid of pungent schizophrenics off their meds   Mall of America
Often heard:   Man, this was a long way to drive just to see another Sharper Image   Beckie, sweetie, don't punch Goofy there ...   Disneyland
Altered states:   A contact-high from the noxious perfume they pump out of Victoria's Secret   Mommy and Daddy discover Bloody Mary Land   Disneyland
Inner monologues:   Maybe if I buy this, I'll finally be happy   My parents never took me anywhere   Push
Anthropomorphized godheads:   Snoopy   Mickey   Push. The rest of you see them too, right?
New additions:   Gap Ghetto Fabulous   Miramax Island: Must be 17, or accompanied by a guardian   Push
Side effects:   Your Visa card hasn't been this maxed out since that ill advised visit to the Gold Club VIP room   Everytime you hear "It's a Small World After All," you weep uncontrollably   Mall of America
I get two weeks off a year, and I have to spend it:   Waiting for my wife outside a shoe store   Looking for the smoking area in "Pooh's Home"   Push
Local hockey teams are named after:   Um ... nature?   The end of Emilio Estevez's career   Mall of America

So there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a squeaker, the advantage goes to Disneyland -- hey, this is a Disney-owned web site ... and hang in there you big, bodacious mall, I'm sure it's nothing another Disney store or two couldn't solve. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie. Now go watch some hockey.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.



Nick Bakay Archive

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Bakay: America's Team vs. 'The Godfather'

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Tale of the Tape: Clinton vs. Rose

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Tale of the Tape: Deadline pressures

Tale of the Tape:
Graduation vs. Ozzfest

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Mariners vs. Starbucks

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Bill Walton vs. Anne Robinson

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Tomb Raider vs. Mr. Raider

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