|Tale of the Tape: Da Coach vs. Raffy|
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist
Anyone remember Joe Namath wearing pantyhose?
Ad campaigns used to make waves by exposing the feminine side of NFL stars, but now that Mike Ditka has signed on to shill for Levitra, it's pretty clear that the ... er, pendulum has swung the other direction. It also might explain why former (and future?) Cubbie Rafael Palmiero -- the long-established poster stud for Viagra -- is fighting that trade to Chicago so hard: He might not want to see Chicago labeled the city of big shoulders and limp bizkits.
I can already feel the mail piling up at my e-doorstep. Before you fire off a hasty, misspelled, all-caps dandy, let me make one thing perfectly clear: The message they're sending to sports fans everywhere is "it's OK to go to the bullpen," AND I THINK THAT'S GREAT! We all have issues. I long for the day they invent a pill that helps me cover the point spread. But no matter how you feel about these prescriptions, both inarguably involve the dangers of picturing the spokesman sporting the proud results. At the risk of sounding like Jeremy Shockey, that's pretty rough.
It's also worth noting that spokesman gigs like these come with built-in hazard pay -- big bucks commensurate with the big-league razzing they invite. So I'll go at it this way: The real question is, who makes for the most effective spokesman?
Ditka, Palmeiro, let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...
So there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a tumescence-in-a-can crack back, the advantage goes to Ditka. But hang in there, Raffy, at least we know your stuff actually works. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay, reminding you the numbers never lie.
Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.