|A show about nothing ... but O.J.|
By Jim Caple
Page 2 columnist
Just when you thought television and society could sink no lower, there was a report last week that one network had an O.J. Simpson reality show in the works. Simpson later denied the reports, but that was of little solace to good taste because O.J. added that he might serve as an analyst during the Robert Blake murder trial.
[THE EPISODE OPENS WITH O.J. AT THE MICROPHONE OF A COMEDY CLUB WHILE THE SHOW'S TITLE AND OPENING CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN ...]
O.J.: So I'm driving over here tonight and I suddenly notice how many other people are driving SUVs and talking on their cell phones at the same time. What's the deal? Don't they realize how dangerous that is? I mean, I know sometimes you have to take an important phone call from the L.A.P.D ... [A COUPLE PEOPLE LAUGH] ... but as a courtesy to your fellow motorists, at least slow down and hand the wheel to your good friend Al. [HE PAUSES AS AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] Now, I've got to believe I had a little something to do with starting this whole Talking-On-The-Cell-Phone-While-Driving-Your-SUV thing. [MORE APPLAUSE] But has Ford called to give me a slice of the action? Not a chance. All they would offer was a set of Firestones for my golf cart. Nooooo thank you ... [LAUGHTER]
Then again, maybe I was out when they called with a new deal. Maybe I was "hunting" for Nicole's "real" killer.
[MORE LAUGHS AS WE DISSOLVE FROM THE COMEDY CLUB TO THE INTERIOR OF O.J.'S APARTMENT, WHERE WE SEE HIM STANDING IN A SANDBOX, WORKING ON HIS CHIP SHOTS.
[KATO KAELIN, PORTRAYED BY MICHAEL RICHARDS, SUDDENLY BARGES INTO THE APARTMENT, HIS HAIR PILED IMPOSSIBLY HIGH ON HIS HEAD AND HIS BODY JERKING IN WILD CONVULSIONS AGAINST THE OPEN DOOR. THE STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDS HIS ENTRANCE UPROARIOUSLY]
KATO: [TOSSING O.J. A PAIR OF GLOVES] You can have these back, Juice.
O.J.: They didn't fit you, either?
O.J.: [WALKING INTO HIS BEDROOM] I've got a pair of Bruno Maglis I almost never wear.
[AL COWLINGS, PORTRAYED BY JASON ALEXANDER, ENTERS THE APARTMENT IN HIS USUAL STATE OF FLUSTER.]
COWLINGS: Well, we ordered the wedding invitations today -- now nothing can stop the wedding. It's coming. It's almost here! I can't do this. Can I do this? Look at me! I'm a mess. I can't go through with this.
O.J.: So just call it off. Break up. Tell Susan it's over.
COWLINGS: I can't tell her that. I've tried, but I can't. I'm too weak. I can't handle that scene. I'd rather be miserable the rest of my life than to go through that.
O.J.: Why don't you just kill her?
COWLINGS: Don't I wish.
O.J.: Then do it.
COWLINGS: What? Are you serious? I can't kill her.
O.J.: Why not?
COWLINGS: Well, for one thing, there are still laws against it, as you might remember.
KATO: That reminds me. I have a case for your lawyer, Juice. I spilled hot coffee on myself the other day, and I want to sue the coffee shop.
O.J.: Call him. I think he would be very interested in that. Or at least more than that ridiculous man-ziere you wanted him to patent.
[THE INTERCOM BUZZES]
VOICE: It's me.
O.J.: C'mon up.
[O.J. RETURNS HIS ATTENTION TO COWLINGS]
O.J.: Consider it, Al. Play your cards right and you might even get your own show out of it.
COWLINGS: I can't believe you're seriously suggesting that I murder my fiancée.
O.J.: Would it sound any better if she was your wife?
[PAULA BARBIERI, PORTRAYED BY JULIA LOUISE-DREYFUS, WALKS INTO THE APARTMENT]
PAULA: What's new?
COWLINGS: O.J. thinks I should kill Susan.
PAULA: [SHOVING O.J. IN THE CHEST] Get, out!
O.J.: I'm just saying, he's going to want to eventually. Why put it off?
[MARK FUHRMAN, PORTRAYED BY WAYNE KNIGHT, KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND ENTERS THE APARTMENT]
FUHRMAN: [SNIDELY] Hello ... Orenthal.
O.J.: [EQUALLY SNIDELY] Hello ... Furhman.
[THE STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDS MADLY]
O.J.: What do you want, Fuhrman?
FUHRMAN: I just wanted to inform you that I found some more suspicious red droplets outside your door last week. I sent them into the FBI labs for analysis and the results were ... intriguing.
[HE PAUSES AND LIFTS HIS EYEBROWS DEVIOUSLY]
FUHRMAN: Very intriguing.
O.J.: What did the tests show?
FUHRMAN: [SHEEPISHLY] Tomato juice and red dye No. 4. Probably ketchup from an In-N-Out double-double. But they won't absolutely rule out O positive blood.
O.J.: [SHOVING HIM INTO THE HALL AND SHUTTING THE DOOR] Goodbye, Fuhrman.
FUHRMAN: [HIS SHOUTS MUFFLED BY THE CLOSED DOOR] I'm watching you, Orenthal!
COWLINGS: C'mon, Juice. Let's talk this out in a sensible manner -- during a long, slow drive in your Bronco.
KATO: Sounds good. And I finally got the stain out from when Poppy sat in the backseat.
PAULA: I'll go, but I just don't want to hear any more talk about killing anyone.
O.J.: Why is everyone so shocked by the concept? It's not like Al would be the first guy. You would be surprised at how many people have done it. [HE PAUSES] Very surprised.
[THE EYEBROWS SUDDENLY RISE ON COWLINGS, KATO AND PAULA.THEIR JAWS DROP, AS IF JUST FULLY REALIZING SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME. THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER INCREDULOUSLY, THEN TURN BACK TO O.J.]
COWLINGS: You don't mean ...
PAULA: You're not saying ...
KATO: [HOLDING UP THE GLOVES HE THREW INTO THE APARTMENT] These things really fit you?
O.J.: [SMILING WICKEDLY AND SLIPPING HIS HANDS IN EASILY] Like a glove.
[THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE AS THE FRIENDS EXCHANGE HORRIFIED LOOKS. AFTER AN UNCOMFORTABLY LONG TIME, O.J. BREAKS THE SILENCE]
O.J.: Don't worry. I'm only kidding. You think I'm Robert Blake or something?
[ANOTHER PAUSE AND THEN THE FOUR BREAK OUT IN LAUGHTER AS WE DISSOLVE BACK TO THE COMEDY CLUB]
O.J.: So I see Robert Blake is going on trial for killing his ex-wife. It just goes to show you that what they say is true. Hollywood has really run out of original ideas. [GUFFAWS] What's the deal with women, anyway? [MORE LAUGHS] You can't live with them . . . [NERVOUS TITTERS] . . . and you can't kill them. [O.J. LAUGHS MANIACALLY WHILE THE AUDIENCE GOES SILENT AND WE FADE TO BLACK]
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.