Decision 2000: Page 2 goes to polls

It's Election Day, and the polls are open at Page 2.

This is the final race on the ballot, and it's the big one:

Position: President
Job requirements: Leader of the free world. Commander in Chief for the U.S. armed forces. Sets domestic and foreign policies. Other than that, not much.

The Candidates:

Tiger Woods
Age: 24     Day job: Professional golfer
Pro: Can sell anything to anyone -- at least Madison Avenue thinks he can.
Con: Would require all federal employees to wear Nike uniforms and drive Buicks. Still 11 years away from being eligible to run.

Kurt Warner
Age: 29     Day job: Quarterback, St. Louis Rams
Pro: Understands the value of a strong air defense.
Con: Loses environmental vote because of excessive double-bagging during his days as a grocery-store clerk.

Shaquille O'Neal
Age: 28     Day job: Center, Los Angeles Lakers
Pro: Has campaign slogan ready already: "America is the 'Land of the Free,' not the free throw."
Con: All furniture in the Lincoln Bedroom would need to be supersized.

Michael Jordan
Age: 37     Day job: GM, Washington Wizards
Pro: In case of war, there's nobody better to take the last shot.
Con: Would make all federal employees dress like Tiger.

Wayne Gretzky
Age: 39     Day job: Waiting for management role with Phoenix Coyotes
Pro: Though born in Canada, speaks fluent English.
Con: Only natural-born Americans are eligible to run for president.

Decision 2000: Attorney General

Decision 2000: Labor Secretary

Decision 2000: Press secretary

Decision 2000: Secretary of Defense

Decision 2000: Secretary of Treasury

Decision 2000: Vice President

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