Decision 2000: Page 2 goes to polls

It's Election Day, and the polls are open at Page 2.

Here's the next race on our ballot:

Position: Vice President
Job requirements: Take all the blame when things go bad. Never take any credit when things go right. Throw out the first ball at baseball games (except for the World Series).

The Candidates:

Scottie Pippen
Age: 35     Day job: Forward, Portland Trail Blazers
Pro: Perfectly trained to be a second banana.
Con: Has occasional delusions that he is a first banana.

Tom Glavine
Age: 34     Day job: Pitcher, Atlanta Braves
Pro: He paints corners, but he never cuts corners.
Con: He's a lefty, which could be a problem if Congress revives the House Unamerican Activities Committee.

Kobe Bryant
Age: 22     Day job: Guard, Los Angeles Lakers
Pro: Speaks fluent Italian and named after the finest Japanese cut of steak, so he should be a popular host at European and Asian state dinners.
Con: Few politicians turn pro immediately out of high school -- which is a kind way of saying, "The kid didn't go to college."

Trent Green
Age: 30     Day job: Quarterback, St. Louis Rams
Pro: Knows exactly what to do when he's handed a well-stocked arsenal.
Con: Likes to throw the bomb, which should be the president's responsibility.

Don Zimmer
Age: 70     Day job: Bench coach, New York Yankees
Pro: Popeye's a much more dignified nickname than Bubba.
Con: Popeye's a much less dignified nickname than Honest Abe.

Decision 2000: Attorney General

Decision 2000: Labor Secretary

Decision 2000: President

Decision 2000: Press secretary

Decision 2000: Secretary of Defense

Decision 2000: Secretary of Treasury

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