|Diamonds really are forever|
By Ira Fritz
Special to Page 2
How could Kobe do something like this? What are we supposed to think of him now? How could he disappoint his legions of loyal fans this way and put us in such a horrible predicament? HOW COULD HE GO AND BUY HIS WIFE A $4 MILLION "I'M SORRY" DIAMOND RING?" What the hell are the rest of us guys who don't have $4 million in disposable cash lying around gonna do to compete with that the next time we screw up and need to say. "I'm sorry?"
"Now that's how you say I'm sorry," she said, before leaving me alone with my thoughts. I had only one thought really: "My God, we're all screwed!" A rich kid who admitted adultery to his wife in front of millions of people on national TV has now officially raised the apology bar for men to an unprecedented and unreachable height.
So what are we going to do now, guys? What happens when we forget an anniversary, or get caught staring a little too long at the waitress' butt, or come home a couple of hours (or days) late after a night out partying with the guys? Ya think flowers or a box of fancy Godiva chocolates are gonna cut it now? Better think again. Ya think a shiny tennis bracelet, a naughty piece of lingerie, or a cute little charm that says, "No. 1 Wife" is gonna rescue our asses anymore? Maybe back in the good 'ol days before last week, but thanks to the $4 million man, never again. Hope the couch is comfortable, gentlemen, because thanks to Kobe we'll all be spending plenty of nights on it in the future.
And just imagine what some of the all-time commandment-breakers out there would have had to do to pay the price of forgiveness, Kobe-style. Take Bill apologizing to Hillary. First, he'd have to present the former First Lady with her own country -- maybe Liechtenstein or Canada or some place where she could elect herself president, since that's never going to happen here. Not enough? Then how about a custom-made Hummer? Since he got one from Monica, it seems only fair.
What about Billy Joel making amends to Christie Brinkley? Here's a guy whose face looks like it was repeatedly hit with a frying pan having the audacity to cheat on quite possibly the most famous and beautiful supermodel of the 20th Century. His act of contrition can be only one thing -- a spanking from Elton John on his naked bum at their next sold-out concert at Madison Square Garden. As much as Christie might enjoy that show of penitence, odds are Elton would enjoy it even more. (Billy should also be forced to apologize to the rest of us for writing "We Didn't Start The Fire.")
And let's not forget Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley. Sure the crackhead-looking hooker he picked up that night on Sunset Boulevard was a babe compared to ugly Liz, but this guy's got some serious atoning to do. His proof of remorse would be to sit and watch his classic film "Mickey Blue Eyes" on a loop until his eyes bled. Then, he needs to star in a series of PSA's about what to do in the event you've contracted a nasty case of the crabs.
Yeah, Kobe really let all us guys down big-time. Sure his transgression was quite the doozie, but a $4 million piece of bling bling? He'd have to cheat with the entire state of Colorado and half of Nevada to justify that. So many of us considered him a hero, cheering for him every game, even shedding a tear right along with him the night San Antonio eliminated the Lakers from the playoffs. Well, no more. I, for one, am taking my Kobe poster down today. OK, I don't have a Kobe poster, but I know a kid on my block that does, and I'm going into his room while he's at camp and taking his down. Maybe I'll put up one of Shaun Kemp or Rasheed Wallace or Allen Iverson ... ya know, a real role model.
I don't know what everyone else is going to do now, but here's my plan. Whenever I need to say "I'm sorry" to my wife, I'm heading down to my trusty jeweler, picking out a nice piece of fine craftsmanship, and telling him to send the bill to Kobe. So he'd better not lose any of those fat endorsement deals he's got, because I screw up a lot. In fact, I've got a nice 11-karat diamond necklace picked out for my next giant gaffe. Retails for about 10 million or so. Relax, Kobe, I know the guy ... he might take 9.5.