More than just a pretty face
By Bob Halloran
Special to Page 2

It starts off innocently enough. You log on to an NFL team website with the honorable intentions of learning something about a player. For me, I was simply attempting to find out what the Kansas City Chiefs thought about Tony Gonzalez trying out for the Miami Heat.

Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader
The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders might be the NFL's most popular, but you wouldn't know it by looking at the team's website.
Across the top line of the home page there are keywords to make it easy for you to click on team news, rosters, stats, draft picks, etc. There's also a word that hangs there like a carrot dangling in front of a horse. It is the apple in the Garden of Eden. Tempting. Exciting. Naughty. It says: "CHEERLEADERS." Clearly, the only reason to venture onto this page is to satisfy some voyeuristic tendencies.

But, good people of Earth, there is far more to discover than an assortment of lip-glossed hard bodies with bare midriffs. I propose to you that there are comedic treasures, as yet unopened. Peruse at your leisure. I suspect you'll do far more reading than peeking.

While I was on the Chiefs home page, I clicked. I'm not ashamed. Anybody who tells you they don't click is either dead or lying. I found myself on Jade's bio page, and she tells us that one thing she definitely looks for in a man is "height." She doesn't stipulate that she wants a lot of it. She just wants someone who has it. I have height. More than some. Less than others. I also have weight. Girth. And density. I'm the complete package. As long as Jade stays away from victims of steamroller accidents, she won't have any trouble finding a man who meets her specific requirement of being vertical.

I was immediately hooked. I began visiting several team pages and quickly learned the prototypical cheerleader is 5-foot-3, 105 pounds, is usually described by her friends as energetic with a contagious smile, and enjoys romping with her dogs "Honey," "Baby" and "Honey Baby." Kimmie, a member of the Gold Rush Girls (the 49ers cheerleaders) has five cats, two dogs, two fish, one bird, and one rat. I'm guessing she might have had more rats, but that would have been before she had the five cats. Kimmie is attractive, but can you imagine turning the lights down low in her bedroom and having 10 neon green eyes peering at you in the dark, while some bird does play-by-play, and the rat scratches at the wall? There's not enough Viagra in the world.

In order to save you some time, let me tell you that the tough, traditional, all-business football teams like the Packers, Lions and Eagles have terrible sites for cheerleaders. Plain pictures. Basic information. Even the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, while far and away the prettiest squad, offered very poor biographical information. Of course, I can't really swear that I got around to reading any of it. But trust me, what keeps you coming back are the girls "favorite quotes," "favorite movies," "most embarrassing moments" and the way they're described by the biographers-slash-interns.

The following are taken directly from the Raiderettes page:

"Teammates describe Kelly as always smiling and a wonderful dancer. She also has the unique ability to wiggle her ears!!" (The exclamation points are theirs. But can you blame them? I mean, the girl can wiggle her ears!!!!!!!)

St. Louis Rams
Somewhere in this group of St. Louis Rams cheerleaders, a "vivacious little Scorpio" is probably lurking.
Lytisha is a "vivacious Virgo."

Cole is a "vivacious little Scorpio" (who's equally vivacious, but smaller than Lytisha).

Kim is a "sparkling Taurus."

Lisa is a "well-traveled Pisces."

Carley is "described by her teammates as fun-loving and energetic." (So, I'm wondering -- is there anyone in the world who is fun-loving, but not energetic? Is there a fun-loving lazy ass out there?)

"Christine Biggers is a brown-eyed rookie with brown hair and is a Gemini." (I want something that well-written and encapsulating said during my eulogy. Bob, was a hazel-green-eyed father with most of his hair and was a Leo. Yes, we will miss that vivacious little Leo. )

Back to the Kansas City Chiefs Sweethearts Calendar Team:

It says of Tyler Lane her definition of romance is "that little part of your heart that holds nothing but pure and innocent love. It's that dreammy butterfly feeling when you wake up in your lover's arms. As you can tell, she is a very insightful person." (Yeah, and that sound you just heard was the screeching tires of her boyfriends' getaway car.)

At 18, Diva is the youngest member of the team. When asked about pickup lines, she said the best she's heard so far was: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" (Good line. Solid "angel" reference. Clever. Concise. And, no doubt, woefully unsuccessful.) Her teammate, Noelle, says she's never heard a good pickup line, but adds that she likes a man who is polite, caring and willing to give her his love. (So, I'm thinking a good pickup line for Noelle might be: "I'm a polite, caring man willing to give you my love." How hard do you think she'd slap you after that lame effort?)

Li'l Ravens
The Li'l Ravens would like to meet everyone from Jesus Christ to Chris Farley to the president.
The L'il Ravens asked each girl which person in history they'd most like to meet. The responses ranged from Jesus Christ to Chris Farley. It was a rather sizeable range. One girl said, "The President." She didn't bother to specify which one. Any president will do. Perhaps the current one -- if only she could remember his name. Another response was Martha Graham. I thought maybe it was her maternal grandmother or something, but it turns out Martha Graham was the central figure in the modern dance movement. I had no idea. I'm telling you, you look, you laugh, you learn. They're cheerleaders!

L'il Raven Laura lists biting her nails as her worst habit. I'm pretty sure that's restricted to just her fingernails. Biting her toenails would be have to be listed under "God-given gifts."

Lisa says her favorite movies are "Grease" and "Grease 2." C'mon! "Grease," maybe. But the second one? Eighteen-year-old Mary also said "Grease" was her favorite movie of all-time. Who are these women! They're 18 years old. They should at least be choosing from today's crappy movies, not the crappy movies of another generation. What about "The Wedding Planner," or "Shallow Hal" or "Mr. Holland's Opus"? At least Michelle said "Tommy Boy." Now there's someone who might be fun hanging out with. My young lady friend -- and yours, I'm sure -- picked "The Sound of Music". That's right: "fa," a long, long way to run. Classic stuff.

Tracy got high marks for originality when she said her favorite kind of music is zydeco. That made me wonder why there aren't more zydeco wedding bands. "Please clear the dance floor, as Tracy and Ya Ya dance for the first time as man and wife to the song, 'Give Him Cornbread.' Remember, bridesmaids, you can still earn those beads."

The question about favorite kind music reminded me of my days in college. Invariably, when I asked a girl what kind of music she liked, she'd say: "All kinds." And I'd say, "You mean you like jazz, and classical and blues?" And she'd say, "No, all kinds. Like Madonna, and George Michael and Dexy's Midnight Runners." I'd laugh, realize she was serious, and then walk home alone.

Some of the websites include the girls' most embarrassing moments. Kristy confessed to having a comb cut out of her hair with a hack saw. It must have been in a part of the world where they not only didn't have scissors, but where the sight of an adult taking a hacksaw to a child's head didn't raise suspicion. Angela peed on herself after being tickled. (That made me laugh for a long time because of the word "after." She didn't pee "while" being tickled, but sometime later.) Andrea says she once asked a captain in the Army what POW-MIA meant, and she pronounced it phonetically.

One time, Amy's date arrived and her FBI father put the guy up against the wall and frisked him as a joke. Amy says: "Needless to say, it was our first and last date." Must not have found much on the frisk. You know, my Dad used to frisk my dates, too. And he wasn't even in the FBI. I didn't get too many second dates either.

Let me conclude by saying that I hope Lindsay realizes her dream of one day becoming a bilingual pediatrician, and that tender-hearted Lisa continues being involved in children's activities. I pray that Lori one day meets her hero, Martha Stewart, and that Marshellia never stops making that peach and blackberry pie. Yum! (Again -- the Yum! is theirs.)

Bob Halloran is an anchorman for ESPNEWS.



Bob Halloran Archive

Halloran: When in doubt, leave it out

Halloran: No Shai readers, except one

Halloran: The terrifying world of child's play

Halloran: (Way) out of curiosity

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