Universal sufferage
By Bob Halloran
Special to Page 2

Before I tell you even more things I don't know, let me tell you some of the things I learned from recent reader e-mails:

Scott Norwood
Don't worry, Scott Norwood's Super Bowl XXV exploits haven't gone unnoticed.
First, in response to a column detailing the depressing parallels between being a Red Sox fan and being a Browns fan, I got lots of e-mails from fans all over the country claiming that they are the ones who have suffered most. Cubs fans, White Sox fans and Bills fans, in particular, felt slighted that their suffering often goes unrecognized. I didn't know that rooting for crappy teams was a badge of honor of some kind. To those diehard fans of the Cubs, White Sox, Bills and anybody else who felt left out -- I apologize. Your teams suck, too.

Another reader was incredulous that I frequently put my pants on two legs at a time. I didn't make that up. It's easy and efficient. Simply apply the socks to your feet. Sit down on the bed. Lean back. Raise both feet in the air with your knees slightly bent, and slide the pants up to about mid-thigh. Now, put your shoes on, and when you stand up, bring the pants up over your waist. If you began the process with your shirt on, you're now ready to leave the house. Glad I could help.

Now, the list:

I don't know why field goal kickers wipe their hands on their pants before a kick.

I don't know why a passed ball isn't recorded as an error -- sure seems like a mistake to me. Then it was a surprise to me to learn that when there's a passed ball in an inning and a run scores, it's sometimes considered an unearned run -- without an error ever being charged.

I recently bought an extra-whitening, tartar-protection, fluoride, anticavity, clean-mint toothpaste that has a warning on it that says to keep out of the reach of children. Can't have those kids getting their hands on something as dangerous as toothpaste, can we? Seriously, I had no idea that toothpaste comes with a warning: "If you accidentally swallow more than used for brushing, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away." This is toothpaste! They should probably start marketing it with a skull and crossbones. And anybody who dares to brush should keep the Syrup of Ipecac close by.

I don't know what a comptroller is.

I didn't know that the LPGA Tour golfer with the lowest scoring average wins the Vare Trophy. Next question: Who's Vare?

I don't know if I'm the only one who giggles when an announcer talks about a pitcher "surrendering gopher balls." Here you go. I give up. Take 'em.

Barry Bonds
Call it what you want, Barry still has three lockers and no rings.
Also, I don't know why we let sportscasters get away with saying things like: "The Angels are the best team in baseball going from first to third." You can prove that ... how?

I don't know why forks go on the left. Just put 'em where I can reach 'em.

I tried very hard to get the Giants-Angels series to be known as the "Wild Wild West Series" -- two wild card teams from western divisions, but it never caught on. I don't know why.

I don't know if the very first automobiles had horns. Did Henry Ford have the foresight to know that insensitive dolts on cell phones would one day be sitting at traffic lights long after the light turned green? "Even the guy on the other end of the phone is telling you to go!!"

I imagine there's a lot of pride involved with graduating from Stanford. So, I don't know if alumni are embarrassed that their mascot is a dancing tree in shoddy sneakers.

I can't find the cockles of my heart in an anatomy book.

Wang Zhizhi is pronounced Wang Zhoo-zhoo. What's that all about?

A Wet-Nap sounds like a good idea, unless you're an incontinent man who sleeps in the afternoon.

Wang Zhizhi
How about changing your last name to Chung, Wang?
I don't know why tennis players who get hurt during a match and have to quit are said to "retire." It's not like they're never going to play again.

I get the feeling there's not enough wooing in the world. Woo, people. Woo freely. Woo often. If we woo, we win. That's fun to say.

Are there height, weight and/or speed requirements to be a scatback?

I don't know why people choose to misspell words, like Kwik Mart or Thunder Stix, and why Jonathans often spell the shorter version "John." Don't even get me started on Def Leppard.

I don't know how Mickey Mouse got such a bum rap. A multibillion dollar enterprise like Disney, Inc. is a pretty good "Mickey Mouse operation." Cheap or bad organizations should be "Wile E. Coyote operations."

I don't understand the concept of defensive indifference. In what other sport do they refuse to give someone credit simply because the other team isn't trying hard enough?

Yesterday. Yesteryear. Yestermonth?

I don't know why fans can't keep basketballs and footballs that make their way into the stands. Can't they find another game ball to use?

I don't know when they started making purple M&M's, but they taste a lot like a combination of the red and blue ones.

And finally, here's how it works. In America, when two people are walking toward each other, in order to avoid contact, each person should move to his or her RIGHT. We drive on the right side of the road. We should move to the right in pedestrian traffic as well. It's that simple. Who are these people who move to their left? This doesn't have to be as complicated as the head tilt when two consenting adults kiss. That's personal preference. Walking lanes are mandatory. I don't know why I have to explain this stuff. I really don't.

Bob Halloran is an anchorman for ESPNEWS.



Bob Halloran Archive

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