Are you dumb enough to be a Raider?
By Graham Hays
Page 2 staff

It takes a special kind of person to play for the "dumbest team in America." Not every NFL player is capable of jumping offsides on a big play or making a late hit on an opposing quarterback or falling asleep in a team meeting. Yes, playing for the silver and black lets you live the glamorous lifestyle of a professional athlete. But do you have what it takes to play for Raiders? Take our Raiders' IQ Test to find out:

Team Knowledge

1. How many yards does it take to make a first down?

A) 5
B) 10
C) 15
D) 20
E) 30

Raiders fans
Do these fans have what it takes to play for the Raiders?

Correct answer: E -- After factoring in the 20 yards you've already been penalized for holding and intentional grounding.

2. What is the Raiders' motto?

A) Pride and Poise
B) Pride and Prejudice
C) Father of the Pride
D) Pride in Paychecks
E) Bring in 'Da Poise, Bring in 'Da Funk

Correct answer: D -- Every classic needs a modern refurbishment.

3. What is correct spelling of the former backup (now injured) quarterback's name?

A) Evans (Vince)
B) Lowe (Rob)
C) Johnson (Rob)
D) Mirer (Rick)
E) Tuiasosohcrap (Marques)

Correct answer: E -- Hey, it's tough to read all those letters on his jersey when he was always on his back.

4. Which group did Al Davis help create?

A) League of Nations
B) League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
C) American Football League
D) American Bar Association
E) Aging Millionaires of Northern California

Correct answer: E -- Partial credit for answering D, which he merely helped fund.

5. What video is most important in preparing for a Week 14 game against Pittsburgh?

Paris Hilton
For once, the Raiders may actually pay attention during the video meeting.

A) Deep post to Plaxico Burress
B) 3-4 safety blitz from Mike Logan
C) Counter run from Jerome Bettis
D) Fish that Saved Pittsburgh
E) Paris Hilton

Correct answer: E -- Nobody falls asleep in film study this week.

6. Who has the most yards this season?

A) Rich Gannon passing
B) Lincoln Kennedy holding
C) Shane Lechler punting
D) Jerry Rice receiving
E) Tyrone Wheatley rushing

Correct answer: C -- Maybe he'll send postcards from Hawaii.

Community Knowledge

7. What is the state capital of California?

A) Los Angeles
B) Oakland
C) Sacramento
D) San Diego
E) San Francisco

Correct answer: A -- At least it will be once Al Davis is done with his next lawsuit.

8. What is the state bird of California?

A) California Valley Quail
B) California Condor
C) Extended Middle Finger
D) Rick Mirer Out-Pattern Duck
E) Western Speckled Thrush

Correct answer: D -- It's well-known for seeking out visitors to Oakland.

9. Who was recently recalled as governor of California?

A) Al Davis
B) Baron Davis
C) Betty Davis
D) Gray Davis
E) Sammy Davis

Correct answer: D -- Team captains investigating whether the same procedure can be used on coaching staffs.

If you're dumb enough, you can be a teammate of Sebastian's!

10. Which provides prisoners the toughest escape?

A) Alcatraz
B) Bill Callahan's doghouse
C) Black Hole at Network Associates Coliseum
D) I-280 at rush hour
E) Sebastian Janikowski's place

Correct answer: E -- Like visiting Mexico, visitors are advised to bring their own water.

General Knowledge

11. Which of the following is not extinct?

A) Dodo Bird
B) Bill Callahan
C) Passenger Pigeon
D) Caribbean Monk Seal
E) Jerry Rice

Correct answer: E -- Easy one, as the other four are long past saving.

12. What is the correct spelling of the drug commonly referred to as THG?

A) Tetrahydrogestrinone
B) Tetrahydrogestrinowski
C) Thatisthehizzlegoodstuff
D) Tryhavingshriveledgonads
E) Trulyhategannon

Correct answer: B -- Kind of like naming a star after the astronomer who discovers it.

13. What is the penalty for bribing a police officer in the state of Florida?

A) Five years in prison and $5,000 fine
B) Two years in prison and a $10,000 fine
C) Three years probation and a $5,000 fine
D) Five years probation and Miami Heat season tickets
E) Stern talking-to from coach Bowden

Correct answer: E Everyone knows football players never do jail time.

14. You feel as if your boss' poor decisions are negating your efforts at work. How should you deal with your concerns?

A) Broach the subject with your immediate supervisor
B) Send him/her a polite memo requesting a private meeting
C) Keep your concerns to yourself and wait for someone else to act
D) Borrow a co-worker's gamma hydroxybutate and spike boss' coffee
E) Address your concerns to the national media

Correct answer: E -- Callahan isn't much of a coffee drinker.

15. What issue most concerns you in the upcoming presidential election?

A) Education
B) Right-to-work laws
C) Prescription drugs for seniors
D) Tax cuts
E) War on terrorism

Correct answer: C -- It's the issue that hits closest to home for most of these guys.


0-5: Sorry, you clearly don't have a commitment to ignorance.
6-10: Keep working and Al Davis might sign you after you're past your prime.
11-15: Congratulations, are you interested in coaching the Raiders next year?

Graham Hays writes "Out of the Box" five days a week in-between moonlighting for Page 2. He can be reached at



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