Send me your disgruntled masses
By Patrick Hruby
Special to Page 2

News Item: A Ku Klux Klan group reportedly has asked for a permit to demonstrate in support of Augusta National Golf Club's right to an all-male membership. The National Council of Women's Organizations, the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition, a group called Women Against Martha Burk and an unidentified man from Maine also plan to stage various demonstrations before and during the Masters golf tournament ...

Come on down!

Next to washing down a double-quarter-pounder with a 44-ounce Super Big Gulp, there's nothing more American than exercising one's rights to free speech and public assembly.

How else to explain Fred Durst at the Grammys?

Seriously, though: This is United States. Protesting is in our political DNA. As is shameless public posturing.

As such, Page 2 won't be surprised if some other unusual suspects make their way down to the March on Augusta next month:

The Freemasons

Who they are: The world's largest secret society. That everyone knows about. Not much of a secret, is it?

Choosing sides: Pro-Hootie.

Reason to protest: Common cause. Masonic membership extended only to adult males; reportedly, San Diego Charges owner Alex Spanos and golfer Arnold Palmer are in the group. So is "Seinfeld's" Michael Richards -- which explains the decision to greenlight the "Michael Richards Show."

Likely to attract: JFK assassination conspiracy buffs; Elvis, assuming he's alive and off the john; the Stonecutters from "The Simpsons"; people who like funny hats.

Keep them away from: Other rival secret societies, like the Bilderbergs, the Skull and Bones, and the Trilateral Commission. All that talk of brotherhood goes right out the window.

Sy Sperling
Sy would certainly give his weave to the cause.
The Hair Club for Men

Who they are: A group offering clinically proven options for the cosmetic improvement of hair loss. C'mon -- the president is a member!

Choosing sides: Pro-Martha.

Reason to protest: Inclusive bunch now called the "Hair Club for Men and Women."

Likely to attract: Rogaine sales reps; Sam Donaldson; birds looking for a place to nest.

Keep them away from: "Joe Millionaire," lest they set upon his flowing locks in a fit of jealous rage.

The American Nazi Party

Who they are: In their words, "a legally based political-educational organization dedicated to the preservation of the White Race"; in our words, the scum of the Earth.

Choosing sides: Pro-Hootie.

Reason to protest: No stranger to exclusive clubs -- like, for instance, "The Third Reich," a place for like-minded Aryans to meet, greet, plot violent world domination and conspire to brutally murder millions of Jews.

Likely to attract: Angry skinheads; people who watch too much History Channel; Marge Schott, looking to discuss highway construction.

Keep them away from: Everyone. Who doesn't hate Nazis? (For that matter, who doesn't enjoy blasting them in "Medal of Honor: Frontline"?)

Titleist employees

Who they are: The men and women behind the Titleist brand of golf equipment.

Choosing sides: Anti-Tiger Woods.

Reason to protest: Woods is using inferior Nike clubs. Something needs to be said ... before he wins another major.

Likely to attract: Phil Mickelson; Mickelson's foxy wife; weekend hackers who think high-tech, overpriced clubs will somehow result in lower scores. Like anyone else cares what you shoot, anyway.

Keep them away from: Nike chairman Phil Knight. As if he wouldn't release the hounds.

The Cast of FOX's "Girls Club"

Girls Club
"The Girls" will litigate on camera for food.
Who they are: The three stars of the David E. Kelley legal drama -- Gretchen Mol, Chyler Leigh and Kathleen Robertson -- which centered around a trio of young female lawyers and was canned after a whopping two episodes.

Choosing sides: Pro-Martha.

Reason to protest: Frankly, they have a lot of time on their hands. Besides, Augusta National can't be a tougher nut to crack than, say, the Nielsens. (Oops! Bad analogy).

Likely to attract: Autograph seekers; WB and UPN casting agents; Lorenzo Lamas, brandishing a laser pointer.

Keep them away from: Steven Bochco, who would probably try to recast the failed show as a musical, a la "Cop Rock."

The Iraqi Olympic team

Who they are: Athletes chasing gold and glory. For Saddam.

Choosing sides: Anti-Hootie, Anti-Martha, anti-the rest of those imperialist American crusader dogs.

Reason to protest: Otherwise, it's 20 lashes. According to an ESPN.com investigation, Uday Hussein, Saddam's son, allegedly has tortured, imprisoned and executed dozens of Iraqi athletes who have displeased him.

Likely to attract: Representatives from Amnesty International; CIA debriefers; Republican Guard "escorts"; Dan Rather, who could have saved us all a lot of trouble with one well-placed palm strike to Saddam's nose.

Keep them away from: United States soil, where they're likely to defect.

Brian Kontak

Who he is: The brave, brave man and Nationwide Tour golfer who wants to play in the U.S. Women's Open.

Choosing sides: Pro-Martha.

Reason to protest: No boundaries! Besides, it could increase his chances of someday finding a legal backdoor into the Masters' field.

Likely to attract: Schoolyard bullies; New York Yankees fans; parents who enjoy whipping their prepubescent children in driveway basketball.

Keep him away from: The course, where he clearly doesn't belong.

Toni Smith

Who she is: The Manhattanville College basketball player who turns her back to the American flag during the national anthem.

Choosing sides: Anti-war. Anti-the "inequalities embedded in the American system." (Hey, us too -- for instance, how come Enrique Iglesias gets to date Anna K. and we don't?)

Reason to protest: Has a lot of practice at it.

Likely to attract: A media horde; angry old guys waving flags.

Keep her away from: Tiger. God forbid he be asked to comment on something besides golf.

The Staff of Page 2

Who they are: Your E-lectronic best friends. So start tuning into "Jimmy Kimmel Live," already!

Choosing sides: Pro-media buffet.

Reason to protest: A free lunch. Take it from us -- there is such a thing.

Likely to attract: Rick Reilly, challenging Bill Simmons to a steel-cage match; Kimmel, slumming for material; at least one of the Wayans bros. (pick 'em), angry that "The Last Boy Scout" didn't make the Top 10 Sports Movies list.

Keep them away from: A keyboard. The whole "1,000 monkeys on 1,000 typewriters" concept has worked out pretty well. Why stop now?

Patrick Hruby is a sportswriter for the Washington Times. You can reach him at phrub@yahoo.com.




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