A sports fan's guide to the personals
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2

If you are currently single, odds are you're aesthetically unappealing and/or do not live in Los Angeles. Otherwise, you would have already found love as a contestant on "Blind Date," "The 5th Wheel," "elimiDate," or "Dismissed."

Blind Date
Do you really want to tell people you met on Blind Date?
So, where's an unattractive sports fan living outside the borders of La La Land supposed to find that special someone, especially now that the peephole into the Eagles cheerleader's locker room has been sealed? That's right, personal ads!

However, navigating the personal ad landscape can be a treacherous voyage, rife with an endless stream of confusing acronyms and clichéd, misleading descriptions. Fortunately for you, I've taken the liberty of compiling a personal ad guide, a primer to help shepherd you through the maze so that you can make an informed, accurate decision regarding a potential mate. Included is a glossary of acronyms you should become familiar with, along with a series of common phrases I have decoded, revealing their true meanings.

Whether you're looking for a soul mate, a battery mate, or just someone to make homoerotic backyard wrestling videos with, this guide should serve as an indispensable tool in that search.

Phrases

"information technology professional" = operates Anna Kournikova up-skirt gallery

"outdoor enthusiast" = homeless (Ram's didn't cover)

"attentive lover" = mutes football game during sex

Michael Jordan
Bald can be beautiful, unless your name is Costanza.
"work out a lot" = serving 5-year prison sentence

"Jordanesque" = bald

"sense of humor" = lifelong Cubs fan

"hopeless romantic" = most likely will propose on JumboTron

"financially stable" = still in NFL suicide pool

"antique collector" = owns a ColecoVision

"mature for my age" = Dominican baseball player

"spontaneous" = once ordered Wrestlemania on PPV at last possible minute

"cultured" = recently rented "The Bad News Bears Go To Japan"

"confident with appearance" = morbidly obese guy with shirt off at sporting events

"hardworking" = contract year

"sophisticated" = pours Mad Dog 20/20 into glass at tailgates

"military operative" = played paintball at friend's bachelor party

Acronyms

SWMWDATI = Single White Male Who Does All The Intangibles

TWG = Token White Guy

P = Playa

PH = Playa Hata

DB = Duckpin Bowler

IAPHM = Impotent After Pommel Horse Mishap

RPF = Reebok Pump Fetish

BBJ = Body By Jake

UCE = Unsightly Cauliflower Ear

Dennis Rodman
That's nice, now go and get tested again and again.
WEPMSC = Watches Eleven PM SportsCenter

RTBM = Religiously Tapes BassMasters

No FLG = No Fantasy League Geeks

DDRHBT = Dated Dennis Rodman, Have Been Tested

SPWS = Soccer Poseur Wearing Sambas

MRIINFLD = Mr. Irrelevant In NFL Draft

DLPM = Decent Low Post Moves

GSBITFBGTA = Gleaming Smile Belies Inner Turmoil Fueled By Golden Tee Addiction

MNYKCD = Male New York Knick City Dancer

SEHM = Sports Embarrassing Hockey Mullet

ISOMTSLOBBM = In Search Of Mate To Share Love Of Brian Bosworth Movies

Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at eimmerman@hotmail.com




ALSO SEE:


Eric Immerman Archive

Immerman: Fan-tastic slogans for NBA 2002-'03

Immerman: TV on the rise this fall

Immerman: The world according to sports movies

Page 2: Q & A on baseball labor dispute

Page 2: Beyond Be-Leaf

Immerman: Theories of sports clichés evolution

Immerman: Inside Iverson's block party





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