|Jenny jumping into Lake Show|
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2
Unable to amicably resolve their lingering dispute with center Shaquille O'Neal, several members of the Los Angeles Lakers responded to their teammate's recent criticisms by taking their bitter feud to the airwaves, taping an episode of "Jenny Jones" entitled, "He Think He All That, But He Ain't."
The team's appearance on the nationally syndicated talk show was orchestrated by head coach Phil Jackson, who had grown weary of his players' petty bickering and hoped the program would give them a healthy forum to exchange ideas with the aid of a professional moderator and an insightful studio audience. What follows is a complete transcript of that show:
[The largely unemployed audience boos as O'Neal struts onstage and raises the roof.]
Shaquille O'Neal: Sit down! Sit down! Y'all don't even know me! I look good, y'all, shut up!
Jenny Jones: Settle down! Settle down! OK, first up, we have veteran guard Brian Shaw, who says Shaquille called his game weak, but Brian here thinks he's super chic! Now Brian, it says here that Shaquille has embarrassed you by repeatedly referring to you in the press as "Briana," and telling reporters that you have the potential to become a pivotal role player for the Los Angeles Sparks. [Audience erupts with laughter and animated knee-slaps.] So, Brian, what is it that you want to say to Shaquille today?
Brian Shaw: [to Shaquille] Well, I just wanted to tell you that you may think you the man, but you ain't [expletive], boy! You know it's true! You wish you had my mad mid-range jumper and adequate assist-to-turnover-ratio! [shaking his booty in front of Shaquille] You know you want it! You know you want it!
[Audience members are physically propelled out of their seats by the sheer force of Brian's astonishing remarks.]
Shaquille O'Neal: [waving his hands] Sit down, Juwanna Man, sit down. You ain't nothing but a stupid punk-ass bee-yatch! I'm not only the man, I'm the Man of Steel [flexing and pointing to his Superman tattoo].
Brian Shaw: [aghast] The Man of Steel? How 'bout the Man of Clankety-clank, on account of because you be brickin' all them free throws!
[Audience member stands up to comment.]
Audience Member No. 1: Yeah. I just want to say to the guy in the FUBU kimono ...
Jenny Jones: Shaquille?
Jenny Jones: You mean Brian?
Audience Member No. 1: Yeah. You go, girl! Get your freak on, go play!
Jenny Jones: OK, thank you.
Audience Member No. 1: Hey. Dream your dream, baby girl. Be the best sixth woman you can be!
Jenny Jones: OK, next up we have forward Rick Fox with us. Shaquille, during a recent interview, you equated Rick's negative influence on the team to a bout of psoriasis. What did you mean by that?
Shaquille O'Neal: Well, Jenny, Rick's not important enough to be a cancer to the team, know what I'm saying? But I think his recurring off-court distractions are just like the frequent episodes of redness, itching, and thick, dry, silvery scales you get with psoriasis, or eczema for that matter.
Jenny Jones: Rick? I think you have flawless skin. Can you tell me what the hell Shaquille is talking about?
Rick Fox: Oh, he's just playa hating on my acting career.
Shaquille O'Neal: Acting career? Hey, Rick, Kadeem Hardison called -- he wants his talent back! [to audience] Am I right people? [audience boos] Shut up! You can't hate on me! You can't hate on me!
Rick Fox: It's all good. It's all good. I got a role on a critically acclaimed HBO show and Shaq got "Kazaam."
Shaquille O'Neal: That's cool, Old Blue Eyes. 'Cause when you're off sucking face with the fellas in "Oz," I'm tickling the twine with Vanessa. You know how she do it. [singing Vanessa Williams' No. 1 single] "... she saves the best for last!"
[Another audience member stands up to comment.]
Jenny Jones: OK, when we come back ...
Audience Member No. 2: Darryl Williams takes care of his biz-ness!
Jenny Jones: OK, we'll see what Kobe Bryant has to say, when we come back.
[Cut to promo.]
Announcer: Are you a morbidly obese NBA player with a crippling drug addiction who's currently involved in a torrid love affair with the Phoenix Suns gorilla? If so, please call "The Jenny Jones Show. Guests of "Jenny Jones" crash on Paul Konerko's futon.
Jenny Jones: We're back. For those of you just tuning in, we're talking with several Lakers players who say Shaquille O'Neal called them a disgrace, but not to their face! Next, we have All-Star Kobe Bryant. Shaquille, what's your beef with Kobe?
Shaquille O'Neal: Beef with Kobe? Isn't that the No. 3 combo at Panda Express? [laughs hysterically and pumps his fists wildly in the air] Anyway, my problem with Kobe is that the guy takes more shots than Trent Lott at the NAACP Image Awards! This team is supposed to be about the Shaq Attack!
Kobe Bryant: [flabbergasted] Shaq attack? The only thing Shaq's attacking these days is the all-you-can-eat-buffet at Long John Silvers! Look at him! The guy's got more chins than a Chinese phone book!
Shaquille O'Neal: [angry] Hey, I just had surgery on my toe. It's taking me a little while to get back into shape.
Kobe Bryant: [Walks over to Shaquille, removes his shoe, and grabs a hold of his toes.] This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy went to In-And-Out-Burger, this little piggy went back to the market for some Sour Cream N' Chives Ruffles.
Jenny Jones: That's enough, Kobe! We're running out of time, so why don't we hear from our last group of guests -- Derek Fisher, Robert Horry and the token white guy at the end of the stage, Mark Madsen? Shaquille! Look at Mark Madsen! Why do you think he's crying?
Shaquille O'Neal: 'Cause he's making the league minimum?
Jenny Jones: No, because you said that "Charles In Charge" had a more talented supporting cast than you do with the Lakers. Derek Fisher? What do you think about Shaquille's assessment?
Derek Fisher: [to Shaquille] I want to see you run the Triangle Offense without me and Robert. Without us, it'd be all discombobulated, like a rhombus!
Jenny Jones: Anything to add, Robert?
Robert Horry: Yeah. Any idiot can make a baby, but it takes a real man to raise a child!
[Salma Hayek stands up to comment.]
Salma Hayek: Yeah. I just want to say that I'm always at the Staples Center supporting you guys, so I'd appreciate it if you would support me by checking out my moving portrayal of controversial Mexican artist Frida Kahlo.
Jenny Jones: [irritated] OK, that's all the time we have for today's program. On tomorrow's show, New York Yankees outfielder Bernie Williams asks us to "Please Make Over My Frumpy Teammate, David Wells." And don't forget, next week is NBA Week on the "Jenny Jones" show, starting Monday with the paternity-themed program, "Is You Is, Or Is You Ain't The Father?"
[fade to black]
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at email@example.com