2003: An Anna Odyssey
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2

Tennis siren Anna Kournikova recently shot her 2003 Calendar in Tamaulipas, Mexico, apropos considering most people will be hanging it in "el bano."

Anna Kournikova
Anna Kournikova hopes to unwrap her first singles title in the new year.
This year's calendar features a slew of national holidays, historical dates, special events, and personal engagements only observed and celebrated by Ms. Kournikova.

Here's a look at the calendar key:

    * National Holiday
    ** On This Day In History
    *** Special Event
    **** Personal Engagement for Anna

And now, we present a day-by-day look at Anna's calendar for '03:

Jan. 6: National "Delete Internet Records From Your Hard Drive Week" begins at sundown *

Jan. 15: Russian Army occupies Philippopolis, Turkey (1878) **

Jan. 15: Russian Hockey Team occupies Anna Kournikova (1999) **

Jan. 19: Golden Globes (live from Anna's halter top) ***

Jan. 25: Keynote speaker at TBTISSF -- Tennis Ball Tucked Into Spandex Shorts Fetish Convention ****

Mark the date
At 9 p.m. ET on Monday, Dec. 30, ESPN will air "A Date with Anna" -- a behind-the-scenes look at the making of Anna Kournikova's 2003 Calendar.

Feb. 2: Groundhog Day -- Elizabeth Hurley emerges from tree to predict early spring or six more weeks of winter *

Feb. 4: Enrique Iglesias Stopped Wearing Knit Skullcap During Intimate Moments Eve *

Feb. 5: Enrique Iglesias Stopped Wearing Knit Skullcap During Intimate Moments Day *

Feb. 18: Seductively Dislodge Wedgies In Slo-Motion Day (Canada) *

March 10: First ever documented case of winatournaphobia -- the fear of enormous, life-size checks -- surfaces in Moscow (1993) **

March 14: Nick Bolletierri's www.TennisAcademyVoyeurDorm.com debuted in Florida (1994) **

Anna Kournikova
Even if she falters on the court, Kournikova still has a busy year planned.
April 7: Anna Kournikova and Omega Brand Watches Present: Daylight Savings Time --set your clocks back one hour and the feminist movement back 30 years *

May 5: Cinco de Mayo-Anna celebrates Mexican culture with chimichanga and straight-set loss to Conchita Martinez *

May 8: VE-Day -- Anna storms Lycos' Most Searched List and topples Dragonball, "Harry Potter" and Cindy Margolis *

May 11: U.S. District Judge rules topless pictures in Penthouse are not of Anna Kournikova after determining that the woman in the photographs has a "winning smile" (2002) **

June 24: First-Round Exit at Wimbledon Eve *

Sept. 2: Attend MTV's Video Music Awards with Enrique after losing in first round at U.S. Open ***

Sept. 7: Rosh Hashanah -- Anna rings in the Jewish New Year with a double-bagel loss to Anna Smashnova *

Sept. 20: Billie Jean King defeats Bobby Riggs in "Battle of the Sexes" (1973) **

Sept. 20: Anna Kournikova defeats Geena Lee Nolin for "FHM's Sexiest Woman In the World" (2001) **

Sept. 24: National Health Promotion Day for Women -- Anna suggests performing lunges while calculating PE ratios *

Oct. 7: Decide whether to spend NHL exhibition season in Rangers camp or Red Wings camp ****

Oct. 14: Columbus Day -- 14-year-old (Internet) Explorer Christopher Columbus sets out to discover a shortcut to his Social Studies assignment; ends up discovering faux nudes of Anna Kournikova, Alyssa Milano and Gillian Anderson *

Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at eimmerman@hotmail.com



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