|Postseason plans for NFLers|
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2
Whether they missed the playoffs entirely or were just eliminated in heartbreaking fashion, the fact remains that players and coaches from 24 NFL teams have some newfound time on their hands. So, how are they spending their postseason?
Tony Dungy -- Constructing intricate diorama of Qualcomm Stadium. Pouring Dixie cup full of Gatorade over Lando Calrissian figurine as time expires.
Kerry Collins -- Pretending to be a Blue Cross/Blue Shield customer service representative. Calling Jason Sehorn and telling him his "coverage has lapsed." Hanging up. Giggling uncontrollably with Amani Toomer.
Randy Moss -- Filming 3-episode story arc for new crime show spin-off, "Law & Order: SUV."
Emmitt Smith -- Still trying for his 12th consecutive season with at least 1,000 yards rushing. Organizing game against ALF, My Little Pony, the guy from Dig-Dug, and eight Care Bears.
Jay Fiedler -- Chaining himself to a Florida detention facility in protest of rapper Slick Rick's impending deportation.
Jim Fassel -- Taking out frustrations on Foot Locker "referees" at Secaucus Galleria shopping complex. Heckling them with taunts of "You can only carry two boxes out at a time? I hear Lady Footlocker is hiring downstairs!"
Tony Gonzalez -- Picking a sport and sticking with it (duckpin bowling).
Steve Spurrier -- Picking a quarterback and sticking with him (Johnny Utah).
Dick Vermeil -- Performing "Manic Monday" by The Bangles every Thursday at Holiday Inn's karaoke night. Sobbing wistfully each time he sings the verse, "I wish it was Sunday, 'cause that's my fun day."
Priest Holmes -- Swapping his family photos with pictures of the cast of "Mr. Belvedere" before MTV Cribs crew arrives for taping.
Jonathan Ogden -- Enrolling in cardio-striptease classes.
Flozell Adams -- Preparing for second season of all-access look inside the Cowboys on the popular HBO series, "Oz."
Ray Lewis -- Bringing his world renowned, pre-game "Woo-Woo-Woos" to a Baha Men cover band.
Brian Billick -- Condescendingly explaining the nuances of Bush's economic stimulus package to Art Modell.
Trey Junkin -- Landing a new job where he'll be embraced and appreciated: selling homemade sandwiches at Phish concerts.
Marvin Lewis -- Waking up at 3 o'clock every morning to watch back-to-back episodes of "Coach" on Nick at Nite.
Butch Davis -- Refilling lithium prescription. Watching tetherball methodically uncoil. Repeating "Serenity Now" mantra over and over.
Peyton Manning -- Getting "Thug Life" tattooed on his torso in an effort to increase street cred with his teammates.
Mike Holmgren -- Conducting an online search for a two-point conversion blacklight poster for his Training Camp dorm room.
Brian Griese and Mitch Berger -- Forming exploratory committee to gauge interest in a "Griese-Berger" Presidential ticket.
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org