|Your slogan can never be clever enough|
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2
When MLB marketing personnel gather during spring training to plan for the upcoming season, one of their most important tasks is to come up with a catchy team slogan that excites the fans and accurately represents the direction the team is heading.
Unfortunately, these slogans are usually annoyingly pedestrian, something like: "Baseball Fever ... Catch It!" Or, "Come Watch The Kids Play."
To remedy the situation, we have taken the liberty of drafting slogans for all 30 MLB teams, Page 2 style.
Anaheim Angels: "Touch Our Rally Monkey. Go On, Touch It."
Arizona Diamondbacks: "There's Nothing Like The Sight Of The Big Unit Working His Rosin Bag."
Atlanta Braves: "Join Us Every Sunday At Turner Field For Pregame Bagels & Cox."
Baltimore Orioles: "Chicks Dig The Long Ball; Fat Chicks From Baltimore Settle For Warning Track Power."
Boston Red Sox: "The New York Yankees Sodomize Orphaned Puppies -- We Adopt Them."
Chicago Cubs: "Proud Home Of The 1995 'MTV Rock N' Jock Celebrity Softball Game' MVP, Eric Karros."
Chicago White Sox: "It's Either This Or Trekking Up To Your Boy's Place On The North Side And Watching The 'Blind Date Uncensored DVD' ... Again."
Cincinnati Reds: "Have You Hugged Your Disgruntled Center Fielder Today?"
Cleveland Indians: "We're Not Prudes, It's Just Difficult To Reach Third Base In These Smaller Retro Ballparks."
Colorado Rockies: "Think Season Tickets Are Expensive? Try Getting Avril Lavigne To Play At Gabe Kapler's Daughter's Bat Mitzvah. Then We'll Talk Expensive!"
Detroit Tigers: "Zero To Sixty Wins In 162 Games Flat!"
Florida Marlins: "Cause It's One ... Two ... Three Times You've Seen 'Cocoon' This Week. Enough, Already. Put Some Hard Candies In Your Pocket And Get To The Ballpark Before It's Too Late!"
Houston Astros: "H To The Izzo, Ouston To The Izzay."
Kansas City Royals: "Kauffman Stadium -- The House That Steve Balboni Built."
Los Angeles Dodgers: "Ask Us About Our New Dominican Republic Embryo Signing!"
Milwaukee Brewers: "A Drinking Town With A Baseball Problem."
Minnesota Twins: "As Seen In The 1994 Timothy Busfield Vehicle, 'Little Big League.' "
Montreal Expos: "You Definitely Won't Be Crushed To Death In Our Stands."
New York Mets: "Big Market Payroll, Small Market Results."
New York Yankees: "You're Going To Like The Way We Look. Don Zimmer Guarantees It."
Oakland A's: "Zito. It's What's For Dinner."
Philadelphia Phillies: "Come For The Projectile Batteries, Stay For The Public Urination Citation."
Pittsburgh Pirates: "You Can't Spell Pittsburgh Pirates Without 'High ERA.'"
St. Louis Cardinals: "Rick Ankiel And Mike Matheny Aren't Just Battery Mates, They're Soul Mates, On A Very Special T.W.I.B."
San Diego Padres: "Got Milk Of Magnesia? Can Jesse Orosco Borrow Some, He's Constipated."
San Francisco Giants: "90 Percent Of The Game Is Half Barry Bonds Obsessively-Compulsively Adjusting His Body Armor."
Seattle Mariners: "Because Starbucks Doesn't Serve Ice Cream In A Miniature Batting Helmet."
Tampa Bay Devil Rays: "According To A Recent Panel Of Judges In USA Today, Hitting A Baseball Is The Single Hardest Thing To Do In Professional Sports ... So Cut Us Some %*@$* Slack, Would Ya?"
Texas Rangers: "D.A.R.E. To Keep Juan Gonzalez Off The DL."
Toronto Blue Jays: "Frankie Catalanotto Say, 'Relax, Don't Do It.'"
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at email@example.com