By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2
"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix," the fifth installment in the bestselling series by author J.K. Rowling, hits bookshelves nationwide over the weekend. For those novices who don't know the difference between a Muggle and a Quaffle, I've taken the liberty of compiling a comprehensive list of the characters, places and objects that inhabit Harry's mystical world. Use this handy reference guide to impress your colleagues and children.
Bloody Baron: Nickname given to Charlotte Hornets point guard when teammates feel he's being especially "moody."
Boggart: Slang-term adopted by the Portland Trail Blazers signaling that their "schwag" has been "cashed."
Cho Chang: The cash register sound-effect made by Richard Williams each time Venus or Serena wins a tournament.
Chudley Cannons: Stage name used by Mike Price's favorite exotic dancer.
Fat Friar: Obese grade-schooler constantly ruining the seesaw balance.
Fizzing Whizbee: Proper medical lexicon used to describe Rafael Palmeiro's affliction.
He Who Must Not Be Named: A.K.A., He Who Moves Well Without The Ball and He Who Does All The Intangibles.
Hogwarts Academy: Famed training institution for aspiring female tennis prodigies deemed too unattractive to attend Nick Bollettieri's Tennis Academy.
Hufflepuff: The disturbing new trend of puffing on an asthma inhaler, followed immediately by huffing the toxic fumes off brand new tennis balls.
Invisibility Cloak: Magical vestment worn by Kenyon Martin during crucial situations; originally adorned and passed down by Chris Webber.
Madam Hooch: Formal name given to affable clerk at Ames, Iowa, liquor store by frequent customer, Larry Eustachy.
Ministry of Magic: Government agency responsible for the proliferation of inner-city Starbucks and T.G.I. Friday's.
Morgana: Voluptuous, bosomy Hogwarts Academy coed who inadvertently starts a herpes epidemic by kissing unsuspecting classmates with her open lip sores.
Quaffle: Fearsome, deadly creature -- half-Paul Quantrill, half- Danny Wuerffel.
Quidditch: A secret bunker in the backyard of English soccer star David Beckham used to hide his quid from Posh Spice.
Ravenclaw: The surgically reconfigured right hand of Baltimore Ravens long snapper Mike Solwold.
Scabbers: The inevitable result of unprotected sex with Dennis Rodman.
Slytherin: The first single off Jake "The Snake" Plummer's hip-hop CD geared to increase his street cred with new Broncos teammates.
Vindictus: To be screwed over by team pariah Vin Baker (Example: "Vindictus over again with his lethargic defensive effort.")
Wizard Crackers: Euphemism for Christian Laettner and Abe Pollin.
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org