|Words to taunt by|
By Eric Neel
Page 2 columnist
As you know if you're a regular reader, we here at Page 2 chase down the news every day like a pack of wild dogs that won't be satisfied.
But sometimes, tracking things isn't enough for us. Sometimes, we want to chart the course a bit. This is one of those times.
"We're going to kick your butt?" This is the best the Prowler could do? Guaranteeing a victory? This is taunting? This is a throwdown?
Anyway, to be certain we never have to hear such sad stories again, we figured we'd get a little taunting list rolling, something to get the rowdies shouting out in stadiums this weekend to be thinking a little more creatively. Our list isn't the be-all-and-end-all; it's just a kick-off point, a conversation starter. We hope you'll take it from here.
(And by the way, each of these taunts begins with a "Yo," ends with "ya bums!" and is delivered, like Jack Black playing air guitar, at full throttle.)
The Oklahoman: Sorry, we can't help ourselves.
The Donavon McNabb (known in some quarters as the 'Rush'; and in others as the 'Kool Moe Dee'): How ya' like me now?
The Britney Spears: Can't touch this.
The Paris Hilton: (Sorry, this one's for our premium members. It can be yours in exchange for 16 digits and an expiration date from a major credit card. And rest assured, we promise full confidentiality.)
The Queer-Eye-For-The-Straight-Guy: Those pants with that top? Please.
The old school: Yo mama so ugly her shadow quit.
The new school: You sorry fo shizzle.
The Roman: Et Tu, Brute?
The Greek: I am the Rain God, the Cloud Gatherer. I wield the Terrible Thunderbolt. I am the God of Justice and Mercy, the Protector of the Weak and the Punisher of the Wicked. Kneel before me.
The Great and Powerful Oz: Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful Oz.
The Greatest: If you even dream of beating me, you better wake up and apologize.
The thing my friend Helen once said while dogging out a ref at a basketball game in Iowa that I've never quite understood but always kind of liked: How can you sleep with yourself?!
The word that once made my friend Steve, an otherwise kind and gentle man, throw a guy to the pavement in a friendly game of 3-on-3: Punk!
The Every Girl You Ever Went Out With: Not tonight, baby.
The Every Girl You Never Went Out With: Keep walking, Sport-o.
The Classic (courtesy of our man Willy the Shakes and a little play called "MacBeth"): You should be women and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so.
The Reel Classic (think Bobby D and Joe P): Come on, hit me! Harder! Harder!
The Good Will Hunting: You like apples? How ya' like them apples?!
The Cali Citizen: Let's go -- my governor and your governor in a cage match.
The Citizen of every state, city, hamlet and unincorporated gathering of mobile homes outside of Cali: You proud of that?
The Edison (as in Thomas Alva): Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
The Emeril: Bam!
The Randy Moss: All day.
The anti-filibuster filibuster: All day and into the night.
The Raider Nation: Make no mistake, I will reach inside your chest, pull out your beating heart, hold it before your eyes and wring it like a sponge until every last beat and drop of blood in it lies in a pool at your lifeless feet.
(This isn't so much a taunt as a pledge, really, and it's better whispered, the way Hannibal hissed at Clarice, than shouted. And we know what you're thinking: Yes, this kind of thing usually is proprietary. But let's be honest, there isn't much call for it in Oakland any more this year.)
The Prozac Nation: This is just so nice, to be here in the sun, with all the pretty colors and flashing lights ...
(This isn't so much a taunt as a sly little soften-'em-up move. Say it with a faraway look in your eye. Spread your arms wide for a hug. It freaks folks out.)
The if it ain't broke don't fix it: Scoreboard, baby. Scoreboard.
The doesn't quite make sense for football but it's just so catchy: Aaaaaaiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr Baaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllll!
The Mark Prior: Prepare to meet Mr. Snappy.
The Richard Pryor: We bad, we bad.
The Haley Joel: I see dead people.
The Billy Joel: Sing us a song, Mr. Piano Man.
The vegetarian: Mix in a salad.
The Jack LaLanne: Sit-ups!
The King of Pop: You ain't bad, you ain't nothin'!
The Man in Black: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die -- what you think I'm gonna do to you?
Eric Neel is a regular columnist for Page 2.