For Your Eyes Only: Secret Bond plots
By Dan Shanoff
Page 2 columnist

The impending release of the new James Bond film, "Die Another Day," this Friday has sparked an attempt in Hollywood to revitalize the franchise by resurrecting the classic Bond movies with a sports twist, Page 2 has learned.

Halle Berry, Pierce Brosnan
A bikini-clad Halle Berry isn't the only eye-popping addition planned for the James Bond franchise.
Through sources we cannot divulge at this time, we were given a brief glimpse at a few of the upcoming plotlines:

"Dr. No-No"
Evil 6-foot-10 left-handed pitcher threatens to rewrite all records. Bond (played by suave Greg Maddux) must join the D.B.A.C.K.S. organization (Diabolical Ballplayers Attempting Control through K'S) and return order to the world.

"From Russia With Love-40"
The nefarious and secretive WTA is developing an army of stellar-looking tennis robots in the volatile remnants of the former Soviet Union, and only Bond (played by suave James Blake) can stop the madness, orchestrated by Anna Shortskirtova (reportedly already signed to be played by Anna Kournikova).

A faceless evil marketing genius has laced 50,000 ubiquitous plastic stadium give-aways with poison, so when they are all beaten together in unison, they will obliterate the sunny, usually harmless town of Anaheim. It's up to Bond (played by the suave Francisco Rodriguez) to sneak onto the playoff rotation and save the day.

Randy Johnson
Bond must stop a diabolical 6-foot-10 villain in "Dr. No-No."
"You Only Un-Retire Twice"
A newspaper columnist has instigated a vicious campaign to malign the greatest basketball player who has ever lived, who has recently come out of retirement a second time. Bond (played by the suave Larry Hughes) must join the team as a free agent and dish the aging superstar a league-leading number of assists, en route to a conference championship and a showdown with the evil writer.

"The Man With the Golden Fun 'n' Gun"
Wealthy megalomaniac bent on national domination hires mercenary with amoral notions of how to design a pro-football offense to topple the established order. Bond (played by the suave Shane Matthews), trained early in his career by the mercenary, must balance his loyalties to counter the pair of madmen in a double-agent role like you've never seen him in before!

"The BCS is Not Enough"
Bond (played by the suave Kirk Herbstreit) goes triple-threat -- posing as a sports-information director, as a member of the media and as a computer genius -- to infiltrate the havoc-wreaking N.C.A.A. (No Consideration About fAns) and destroy the football-rankings super-computer that threatens to undermine the foundation of the entire national higher-education system.

Anna Kournikova
Anna Kournikova provides a love match for Bond in "From Russia With Love-40."
"The Spy Who Gloved Me"
Pacific Northwest-based tycoon seeks to ensnare world's most valuable basketball player by putting tycoon's beverage franchises in every possible place the player might go. An aging yet still-effective Bond (played by the suave Gary Payton) must battle perceptions that he is "obsolete" and perform at a level high enough to encourage the player to stay in the part of the country that needs him most.

Things appear tranquil enough in South Bend, Ind., until a vacationing Bond (played by the suave Joe Montana) discovers the local university's administration is taking secret meetings with the diabolical "Big Ten" (why "diabolical?" Because "Ten" really means 11!) about joining the evil collective. Bond teams up with the secretive Most Powerful Person in Town (played by Tyrone Willingham) to rally the campus into a victorious army of independence.

"Die Another Todd Day"
Bitter one-time college-hoops prodigy (turned pro journeyman) seeks to steal the joy from fans by taking over the Harlem Globetrotters, then initiating a world tour where the team's traditional warm-up weave melds into hypnotizing crowd mind-control. Bond (played by the suave Oliver Miller) joins the team as the "confetti-in-the-water-bucket" throwing-specialist and sets the stage for a cataclysmic one-on-one match with the evil Day.

"Never Say Everett Again"
Insane baseball player joins with reckless redneck teammate to undermine the fortunes of the world's highest-paid baseball player and wreck the equilibrium of a state already teetering on the edge. Bond (played by the suave A-Rod) takes on his most harrowing mission yet: Put up superstar numbers while also buddying up to two of the most dangerous men in sports.

Dan Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2.



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