Well suited
By Dan Shanoff
Page 2 columnist

There's a swimsuit issue coming in February, and you better tell your mail-carrier to keep his hands to himself -- the "National Geographic" special swimsuit issue is all yours!

If that august publication can put together a skimpy swimsuit edition, then it's open season for the rest of the mags out there. And, as always, Page 2 is way out front of the story. Here's what we are hearing:

Jennifer Lopez
OK, lets stick with J-Lo. Ben, we'll call you later.
Gimmick: Celebrity swimsuits
Ideal Cover Subject: Jen and Ben ... no, wait: Jen and Brad!...no, wait: Jen and Jen!
Why It Will Fail: The special "Louie Anderson" section

Gimmick: "Swim-with-the-Sharks Suits"
Ideal Cover Subject: The Street's top-rated analysts bare all!
Why It Will Fail: Talent underperformance, just like Wall Street this year

ESPN The Magazine
Gimmick: "Swimsuits with Attitude"
Ideal Cover Subject: Dennis Rodman in a waterproof bottomless mini-wedding dress
Why It Will Fail: ESPN The Mag readers love attitude, but there's a limit

Rolling Stone
Gimmick: Bikini Britney
Ideal Cover Subject: Britney Spears, in a two-piece suit made out of old vinyl albums
Why It Will Fail: Because no one cares about Britney anymore ... or vinyl, for that matter

New Yorker
Gimmick: Smart swimsuits
Ideal cover subject: Susan Sontag
Why it'll never work: As Woody Allen so wisely put it, the brain is only our second-favorite organ

Gimmick: "Au Naturale"
Ideal Cover Subject: Women of the Great Outdoors Games
Why It Will Fail: Nobody -- except maybe the English -- is interested in women who can kick Ray Lewis' butt

Jason Alexander
Good lord, put some clothes on!
TV Guide
Gimmick: "The Top 50 Swimsuit-Related TV Episodes of All-Time!"
Ideal Cover Subject: George Costanza from "Shrinkage" episode
Why It Will Fail: Chose George over Jennifer Garner

Gimmick: "Swimsuits and Sex! Take our Quiz!"
Ideal Cover Subject: Some impossibly luscious, air-brushed model in a bikini
Why It Will Fail: Impossibly luscious? Air-brushed? Quizzes on guys? Hey, this is no "special" issue!

Good Housekeeping
Gimmick: Recipes for the family beach picnic
Ideal Cover Subject: A young Florence Henderson in a modified "Kiss the Cook" apron
Why It Will Fail: Readers won't be able to get the image out of their heads of Henderson in bed with Ozzy in that Pepsi Twist ad

Consumer Reports
Gimmick: Swimsuit ratings
Ideal Cover Subject: Ralph Nader looking in mirror, notebook in hand
Why It Will Fail: Have you ever seen Ralph in a bathing suit?

Jennifer Garner
Ah, the Alias girl! What were we thinking with Costanza?
Entertainment Weekly
Gimmick: Swimsuits of the spy genre
Ideal Cover Subject: Jennifer Garner
Why It Will Fail: Maybe that spread of "It Boy" Owen Wilson with only a strategically placed cowboy hat was not such a good idea, after all

Vanity Fair
Gimmick: "Swimsuit Hollywood"
Ideal Cover Subject: Nicole Kidman, tastefully photographed by Annie Liebovitz
Why It Will Fail: That Kathy Bates centerfold

Martha Stewart Living
Gimmick: Two-piece jumpsuits
Ideal Cover Subject: The Ladies of D-Block
Why It Will Fail: Contrary to popular belief, even striped two-piece jumpsuits don't make you look thinner

Gimmick: "Swimsuits for the Winter Prom After-Party"
Ideal Cover Subject: Katie Holmes, Kirsten Dunst ... we're not picky
Why It Will Fail: Get your mind out of the gutter (is there an "Eighteen"?)

Gimmick: "Birthday Suits"
Ideal Cover Subject: As usual, whoever is on the verge of pop-culture obscurity
Why It Will Fail: Actually, the swimsuit-less swimsuit issue may be a winner!

Dan Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2. His regular column, The Daily Quickie, is published at 9 a.m. every weekday morning.



Dan Shanoff Archive

Shanoff: What's hot, not for 2003

Shanoff: What's hot, not for week of Dec. 19-25

Shanoff: What's hot, not for week of Dec. 12-18

Shanoff: Everybody loves LeBron

Shanoff: Hat trick

Shanoff: A bad rap for Mornhinweg

Shanoff: Shockey vs. Kournikova

Email story
Most sent
Print story

espn Page 2 index