|NFL uncensored thought balloons|
By Ralph Wiley
Page 2 columnist
Exclusive NFL report
What follows is what they might be thinking. What follows is what they might not be thinking as well. See if you can tell the difference. Try reading this without laughing once ...
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Marvin Lewis, defensive coordinator, Washington Redskins -- "Tell you what you can get used to, Ball Coach. My No. 1 defensive set call. KLIK56. 'Kill, LaVar. Kill!' "
David Boston, WR, Arizona Cardinals -- "God, look at my arms. Lookit that firepower. Got me some real pythons, serious anacondas. Yeah. God, look at the scoreboard. I must play on a bad team. But, back to my arms ..."
Kordell Stewart, QB, Pittsburgh Steelers -- "This Randle-El boy is goooood, man! Handsome too ... reminds me of me. Let's call him Mini-Me. That would be flattering, to one of us. Get him some snaps. Get some of this heat offa me."
Troy Brown, WR, New England Patriots -- "Wonder if I can get Brady's leftovers? Wonder if Deion Branch will be satisfied with my leftovers? Stay humble, stay humble, son. Wait a minute. Screw humble. I'm always open."
Marty Mornhinweg, coach, Detroit Lions -- "Hunh? Which way did they go? We got two good young QBs. We also got zero DBs. Which gives me a bad case of DTs."
Drew Bledsoe, QB, Buffalo Bills -- "I don't care when we play New England. I don't. I don't pay any attention to all that kind of stuff. Hmm? That early, huh? I don't resent Tom Brady. I just want to stomp a mudhole in his ?@$!%."
Dan Reeves, coach, Atlanta Falcons -- "No, Vick, No! Yes!"
Brian Urlacher, LB, Chicago Bears -- "Why do the guys keep telling me guys can't run away from me so they're gonna go right at me? Why, why, why? Ow! That didn't hurt. Arg! That didn't hurt. Eegh! That didn't hurt ..."
Doug Flutie, QB, San Diego Chargers -- "Drew Brees is the starter. OK, I understand. I am the backup. I accept that. So what that we scored 34 on the Bengals? I can score 34 on the Bengals all by myself. I like Drew Brees. That's why I say six weeks before I'm in there. Six weeks, I say. Tops."
Riall Johnson, LB, Cincinnati Bengals -- "You don't know me, but I hope to be a free agent and out of here soon, then get an American Express commercial with my brother Teyo, the 6-9 wide at Stanford, once he comes into the League."
Jim Irsay, owner, Indy Colts -- "L.A.? We're so there."
Dwayne Rudd, LB, Cleveland Browns -- "Guess we won't be buying a house around here, huh, Dwayne? That big vein throbbing there in Coach Davis' temple? That's mine. Everybody hates me now. He probably wishes I was dead."
Butch Davis, coach, Cleveland Browns -- "Wish he was ..."
Dick Vermeil, coach, K.C. Chiefs -- "Dead? Rudd? That his name? Love the guy. Gamer. Ever seen a grown man skip like this? Walsh skipped like this once. I saw it. (cries)"
Donovan McNabb, QB, Phila. Eagles -- "It's McNabb. Not Houdini. (Voice of the Fly) Help me. Please. Help me."
Mike Martz, coach, St. Louis Rams -- "Work my tail off on this genius thing, what do I get for it? Spurrier shows and everybody's ga-ga. Gag me. Patriots? Lucky. Us against the Titans in the Atlanta Super Bowl? That last ball Kurt threw up to the moon for Ike Bruce? All scheme."
Steve Mariucci, coach, San Francisco 49ers -- "My fate tied to the rep of a enormously gifted egomaniac self-promoter? Spurrier. Spurrier will make me. Contingency plan: if T.O. has brain lock, I figure the Detroit job is there for me."
Martz -- "Is there some kind of weird brain echo in here, or something? Hello? Dick?"
Shawn Springs, DB, Seattle Seahawks -- "I did not get run down in the open field by no old QB. Rich Gannon, he had the angle. You saw it. No you are overrated. I know you are, but what am I? Long year for who? You?"
Jonathan Ogden, OL, Baltimore Ravens -- "Don't get cute on me now, Coach Billick. Don't yap, just saddle up Jamal Lewis and let's ride ... pass protection sucks ... blitzes really suck ... drive-blocking's the best revenge."
Rodney Peete, QB, Carolina Panthers -- "Right on, Dave Carr. I'm happy for you. Big win. Way to do it. Got one myself. My last one was, what, five years ago? Enjoy, son, 'cause you're about to find out how hard it really is."
Ralph Wiley spent nine years at Sports Illustrated and wrote 28 cover stories on celebrity athletes. He is the author of several books, including "Best Seat in the House," with Spike Lee, "Born to Play: The Eric Davis Story," and "Serenity, A Boxing Memoir."