The Committee to Promote Horse Racing

"The Committee to Promote Horse Racing is now on the record. The purpose of this session is to find the best way to attract new fans and players to the great sport, and waging opportunities, of horse racing. Let's go around the table, from my left. Tom, you start it off."

"We give away totes."


"With iPhones in them."

"We give away totes with iPhones in them to whom?"

"Everybody in the country."


"What I mean by that is everybody gets the tote. But we would only give away a few iPhones per track."

"What's to keep a person from getting the bag and turning around and walking out without making a wager?"

"Well. Nothing I guess."

"Next. Jennifer. "

"We get more sex into the picture in a national campaign. A jockey calendar. Riders in silk underwear."


"We expand the new Breeder's Cup theme and format. Win and you're in."


"Well, we borrow the premise that was so successful in professional wrestling. In one of those cage matches. They don't focus so much on the winner. It's obvious the winner deserves to proceed down the path to glory. They focus on the loser. You know, the losing wrestler gives up his bass boat and leaves the country two months. So with the Breeder'Cup qualification races, how about this. Finish last and ship to Oklahoma."


"There's nothing in the Bible about gambling, build a jingle around that."


"Who says new people have to be young. Young people have the attention span of hummingbirds. And no money. Let's go after the 80-and-up crowd. Get simulcast outlets hooked into the cruise-ship circuit."

"Come on, people, we're talking about the future of a sport recognized and played around the world. Bear down. Next."

"Testimonials from stars."


"Something with Gamblers Anonymous as a hook. Like a live Gamblers Anonymous shot. Stories about huge losses. Not a horse player in the house."


"A reality TV show."

"How so?"

"Well, you, too could be something or other. Jockey. Trainer. Gambler."


"Reality TV show. Go undercover. Catch a cheater."


"Do a national broadcast from a small track where a five-thousand dollar claiming event could be the feature."

"This is the worst brain-storming session ever. These are horrific ideas. Is all you people do email and talk on cell phones? Doesn't anybody sit quietly and think anymore? You're all fired."

"Excuse me. I might have something."

"And who are you?"

"I'm here to water the plants."

"Speak up."

"We proudly celebrate that horse racing has the fewest punks of any sport."

"Finally, somebody with a mind. You're hired. As a vice-president. Meeting adjourned."

Write to Jay at jaycronley@yahoo.com