Gallo: Browns QB Power Rankings!

Kelly Holcomb (right)? Tim Couch? Who's No. 1 in the New Cleveland Browns QB Rankings?!?! David Maxwell/Getty Images

Brian Hoyer in Week 3 became the 19th Browns starting quarterback since Cleveland used the No. 1 pick in 1999 on Tim Couch. As bad as that sounds, the past 15 years of Cleveland Browns quarterbacking is even more depressing the closer you look.

Here are the pre-Hoyer quarterbacks ranked from 18 to 1.

Enjoy. And may God have mercy on the Browns and their fans.

18. Spergon Wynn

Browns career: 2000

Career record as Browns starter: 0-1 (.000)

How he was acquired: Wynn was selected by Cleveland out of Texas State in the sixth round of the 2000 draft.

Browns highlight: Completing 5 of 9 passes in mop-up duty in a 44-7 loss to the Ravens.

Most Browns game: Dec. 3, 2000.

In his only Browns start, Wynn went 5-for-16 for 17 yards -- a remarkable 1.0625 yards per attempt! -- in a 48-0 loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Career Browns stats: 40.7 completion rate, 0 touchdowns, 1 interception, 41.2 quarterback rating

Quotable: "Who else thinks we should draft Spergon Wynn from Texas State here in the sixth round instead of that Tom Brady from Michigan? Great! Let's do it!" -- someone in the Browns' draft room (probably) during the 2000 NFL draft

Post-Browns career: Wynn went to the Minnesota Vikings in 2001 and played in three games -- a stretch of games that just happened to coincide with Dennis Green getting fired as Minnesota's coach. He then bounced around the CFL for a few years. Brady, taken 16 picks after Wynn, has yet to play in the CFL.

17. Bruce Gradkowski

Browns career: 2008

Career record as Browns starter: 0-1 (.000)

How he was acquired: Gradkowski was cut by the St. Louis Rams before the 2008 regular season and was signed by Cleveland in December 2008 when Derek Anderson was placed on injured reserve.

Browns highlight: In his only start for the Browns, a 31-0 loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers in the final game of the 2008 season, Gradkowski went 5-of-16 for 18 yards and 2 interceptions. But one of those completions went to Donte Stallworth for 12 yards!

Most Browns game: Same one. If the two interceptions or the 18 total yards passing or the zero points weren't the lowlight, maybe completing two passes to running back Jerome Harrison for a total of minus-1 yards was.

Career Browns stats: 33.3 completion percentage, 0 touchdowns, 3 interceptions, 2.8 quarterback rating. I said: A 2.8 QUARTERBACK RATING.

Quotable: "We're going to leave here, go back and have a final meeting tomorrow, but we'll go into the offseason seeing what we can do better and get more competitive." -- Cleveland coach Romeo Crennel after Gradkowski's start in the final game of the season. Crennel was fired the very next day.

Post-Browns career: Gradkowski got eight starts in 2009 and 2010 with the Oakland Raiders and won three of them, making him one of the better Raiders quarterbacks in recent history. He is now Ben Roethlisberger's backup in Pittsburgh.

16. Ken Dorsey

Browns career: 2006 to 2008

Career record as Browns starter: 0-3 (.000)

How he was acquired: Dorsey was acquired along with a seventh-round pick from the San Francisco 49ers in May 2006 in exchange for Trent Dilfer.

Browns highlight: In a Week 16 loss in 2006 to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Dorsey came in for mop-up duty. He threw one pass. It was incomplete. However, it wasn't intercepted, marking his only game in a Browns jersey without an interception.

Most Browns game: All four games he appeared in during the 2008 season. He never threw a touchdown. He had at least one interception in every game. He never threw for more than 156 yards in a game. His best quarterback rating was 49.6. The Browns scored 19 total points in his three starts. I can keep pulling negative statistics, but this is getting increasingly depressing. Let's just leave it at this: Dorsey was so bad that kick returner Josh Cribbs got some snaps at quarterback.

Career Browns stats: 46.7 completing percentage, 0 touchdowns, 7 interceptions, 26.0 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "I made two mistakes that cost us pretty good." -- Ken Dorsey, after his second Browns start, in which he went 11-for-28 for 156 yards and two interceptions. Just two costly mistakes, though.

Post-Browns career: Dorsey was released by the Browns after the 2009 season and never got another roster spot. In the 2010 season, he served as Cleo Lemon's backup on the Toronto Argonauts. Today, he is the quarterbacks coach for the Carolina Panthers. Yes, he is Derek Anderson's (see below) coach now. Two former Browns starters, reunited.

15. Ty Detmer

Browns career: 1999

Career record as Browns starter: 0-2 (.000)

How he was acquired: Via trade in 1999 from the 49ers, primarily to mentor Tim Couch.

Browns highlight: None. Despite Detmer's starting two games and playing in five, the Browns lost every game in which he saw the field. If there has to be a highlight, let's go with the 35-yard pass he completed to Kevin Johnson in a 41-9 home loss to the Baltimore Ravens.

Most Browns game: Sept. 12, 1999.

In Cleveland's Week 1 home opener against the Steelers, Detmer went 6-for-13 for 52 yards and an interception in a 43-0 loss.

Career Browns stats: 51.6 completion percentage, 4 touchdowns, 2 interceptions, 75.7 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "It's embarrassing to come in and play like that." -- Detmer, after his first game with the Browns.

Post-Browns career: Detmer was hurt for all of 2000, then finished his career with the Detroit Lions and Atlanta Falcons. Remarkably, his historic seven-interception game in 2001 came against Cleveland, not for Cleveland.

14. Doug Pederson

Browns career: 2000
Career record as Browns starter: 1-7 (.125)

How he was acquired: Pederson was signed by the Browns in 2000 after the Philadelphia Eagles released him in training camp.

Browns highlight: Throwing a 9-yard touchdown pass to Aaron Shea in Week 11, which gave the Browns a 10-3 lead -- a lead they would not lose in a 19-11 win over Bill Belichick's 2-8 New England Patriots.

Most Browns game: Oct. 22, 2000.

In his first Cleveland start, Pederson had 61 total yards of passing, along with 3 interceptions, in a 22-0 loss to the Steelers.

Career Browns stats: 55.7 completion percentage, 2 touchdowns, 8 interceptions, 56.6 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "It's going to be a fun time, a fun game. It's probably one you'll always remember, because you're going against your old teammates." -- Peterson, on starting Week 16 in 2000 against the Eagles, his former team. Peterson threw one touchdown and had two interceptions, to Donovan McNabb's four touchdowns and no interceptions, and the Browns lost by 11 points.

Post-Browns career: Pederson stuck in the NFL for four more years as a backup with the Green Bay Packers. He never started another game in the NFL after leaving the Browns.

13. Luke McCown

Browns career: 2004

Career record as Browns starter: 0-4 (.000)

How he was acquired: The Browns drafted McCown out of Louisiana Tech in the fourth round of the 2004 draft. Cleveland had the No. 6 pick in that draft and took Kellen Winslow Jr. with Ben Roethlisberger still on the board.

Browns highlight: McCown went 20-for-34 for 277 yards, 2 touchdowns and 2 interceptions in a 42-15 loss to the Patriots on Dec. 4, 2004. Those stats aren't too shabby for a rookie! This guy has promise!

Most Browns game: Dec. 19, 2004.

Two weeks after that semipromising game against the Patriots, McCown's offense got shut out in a 21-0 loss to the San Diego Chargers. He threw for 108 yards on 27 attempts. McCown never played in another game for the Browns and was traded after the season to the Buccaneers.

Career Browns stats: 49.0 completion percentage, 4 touchdowns, 7 interceptions, 52.6 completion percentage.

Quotable: "There's a reason why [the Patriots] are the Super Bowl champions. We have a long way to go before we're at that level." -- McCown, after that loss to the Patriots nearly nine years ago.

Post-Browns career: McCown is still in the NFL, as Drew Brees' backup with the New Orleans Saints. He most recently threw a pass in the NFL in 2011. For the Jaguars.

12. Trent Dilfer

Browns career: 2005

Career as Browns starter: 4-7 (.363)

How he was acquired: The Browns acquired Dilfer in a trade with the Seattle Seahawks before the 2005 season, hoping Dilfer would help mentor Charlie Frye. Dear god, writing this article is depressing.

Browns highlight: In Week 2 of the 2005 season, Dilfer outplayed Brett Favre in Green Bay, throwing for 336 yards and three touchdowns in a 26-24 win.

Most Browns game: Four games later, Dilfer went 10-for-19 for 73 yards and 3 interceptions in a 13-10 home loss to the Lions. Jeff Garcia and the Lions. Oof.

Career Browns stats: 59.8 completion percentage, 11 touchdowns, 12 interceptions, 76.9 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "We've got a lot of work to do. I'm disappointed in the way everyone played. I'm not happy about anything." -- Browns coach Romeo Crennel, after Cleveland's Week 1 loss to the Cincinnati Bengals, Dilfer's first start with the team.

Post-Browns career: Dilfer was traded to the 49ers after the season, where in 2007 he started six more games in his NFL career for injured Alex Smith. Today, you might find him on your television.

11. Charlie Frye

Browns career: 2005 to 2007

Career record as Browns starter: 6-13 (.315)

How he was acquired: Frye was drafted in the third round of the 2005 draft by the Browns out of Akron. The Browns had the No. 3 pick in that draft and took Braylon Edwards. The Packers grabbed Aaron Rodgers at No. 24. (Current Cleveland backup quarterback Jason Campbell went to the Washington Redskins at No. 25.)

Browns highlight: In Week 4 of the 2006 season, Frye went 22-for-32 for 192 yards and 3 touchdowns (with 2 interceptions) in a 24-21 win over the Raiders. Frye's opposing quarterback in that game was Andrew Walter, who was 9-of-23 for 68 yards. Roger Goodell should destroy the film of this game like the Spygate tapes.

Most Browns game: Sept. 9, 2007.

After winning the starting job in the preseason, Frye took the field in Week 1 and went 4-of-10 for 37 yards and an interception. He was benched for Derek Anderson in the first half. Two days later, the guy the Browns deemed to be their best quarterback coming out of training camp was traded to the Seahawks for a sixth-round pick. When evaluating the Trent Richardson trade, understand that the Browns have a proud history of giving up on a season in September.

Career Browns stats: 62.5 completion percentage, 14 touchdowns, 23 interceptions, 71.2 quarterback rating

Quotable: "He can look average all day long, but when the lights go on at night, he plays well. I think that's what we are banking on. When it really counts, he'll perform and produce." -- Browns general manager Phil Savage, on Charlie Frye.

Post-Browns career: Frye hung in the NFL through 2009 as a backup with the Seahawks and Raiders. Oakland turned to him as its starter for three games in 2009 to replace ineffective JaMarcus Russell.

10. Brady Quinn

Browns career: 2007 to 2009

Career record as a Browns starter: 3-9 (.250)

How he was acquired: Cleveland drafted Quinn out of Notre Dame with the No. 22 pick in the 2007 draft. JaMarcus Russell, Kevin Kolb, John Beck and Trent Edwards also were taken in that draft. There were no winners.

Browns highlight: Quinn's best game as a starter, by far, came in Week 11 of the 2009 season, when he threw for 304 yards and four touchdowns at Detroit. The Browns lost that game, however, on a last-second Lions touchdown.

Most Browns game: Week 3, 2009

Two years after getting drafted in the first round, Quinn was finally handed the Browns' starting job at the beginning of the 2009 season. He played poorly in the first two games of the season, both Cleveland losses, and then, in Week 3 versus the Ravens, was benched at halftime for Derek Anderson. He was traded to the Denver Broncos after the season for future Madden cover boy Peyton Hillis.

Career Browns stats: 52.1 completion percentage, 10 touchdowns, 9 interceptions, 66.7 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "This will probably be the day that defines the Browns' turnaround, if indeed it does happen. If we are going to do it, this is one of those steppingstone days." -- Phil Savage, Browns general manager, after the 2007 draft that landed Joe Thomas and Quinn in the first round.

Post-Browns career: Quinn never threw a pass for the Broncos and couldn't even get on the field ahead of Kyle Orton and Tim Tebow. In 2012, he went 1-7 as the Kansas City Chiefs' starter. Today, he stands on the New York Jets' sideline with Mark Sanchez.

9. Jake Delhomme

Browns career: 2010

Career as Browns starter: 2-2 (.500)

How he was acquired: The Browns signed Delhomme to a two-year deal in March 2010. In addition to the $7 million Delhomme made from the Browns in 2010, he earned another $12.7 from the Carolina Panthers, making him the highest-paid quarterback in the NFL in 2010 with a salary of $19.7 million.

Browns highlight: Delhomme and the Browns beat his former team, the Panthers, in Week 12 of the 2010 season, 24-23. Delhomme had no touchdowns and two interceptions.

Most Browns game: In Week 5 against the Falcons, Delhomme entered the game in place of injured Seneca Wallace. He then proceeded to throw two interceptions, including a pick-six with 4:01 left in the game that clinched the 20-10 win for Atlanta.

Career Browns statistics: 62.4 completion percentage, 2 touchdowns, 7 interceptions, 63.4 quarterback rating

Quotable: "I think [Delhomme] certainly has the potential to be the starter here." -- Mike Holmgren, Browns president, trying to woo Delhomme to Cleveland before the 2010 season.

Post-Browns career: Delhomme played one more game in his NFL career, in 2011 with the Houston Texans. He remarkably was not intercepted in that game.

8. Seneca Wallace

Browns career: 2010 to 2011

Career as a Browns starter: 1-6 (.142)

How he was acquired: The Browns dealt a seventh-round pick to the Seahawks in March 2010 for Wallace.

Browns highlight: Of the 14 games Wallace appeared in during his Browns career, Cleveland won only one: a 23-20 win over the Bengals in 2010. So let's go with that game as the highlight.

Most Browns game: Jan. 1, 2012

With a chance to make a case for the starting job in 2012 and beat the hated Steelers, Wallace completed just 16 of 41 passes in a 13-9 loss. Wallace was released before the start of the 2012 season.

Career Browns stats: 57.2 completion percentage, 6 touchdowns, 4 interceptions, 76.6 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "We intended to win a lot more games than that. The only thing that kept us going is we didn't really get blown out in any games." -- Browns cornerback Joe Haden, after that final Wallace loss to the Steelers that dropped Cleveland to 4-12 on the season.

Post-Browns career: Wallace is the backup in Green Bay to Aaron Rodgers, whom the Browns could have taken in 2005 instead of Braylon Edwards.

7. Brandon Weeden

Browns career: 2012 to present

Career record as Browns starter: 5-12

How he was acquired: The Browns used the No. 22 pick in the first round on Weeden, who would turn 29 midway through his rookie year.

Browns highlight: Week 12 of the 2012 season against the Steelers, Weeden game-managed the Browns to a 20-14 win in which Cleveland forced eight Steelers turnovers. (Note: Weeden did leave the game late with a concussion.)

Most Browns game: Before his NFL debut in Week 1 of the 2012 season, Weeden got stuck under a giant American flag. When he emerged, he threw four interceptions in a loss.

Career Browns stats: 57.0 completion percentage, 15 touchdowns, 20 interceptions, 71.1 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "Being 28 years old is an advantage for me. I still have a lot of football left in the tank." -- Weeden, after being drafted by the Browns.

Post-Browns career: Weeden remains employed by the Browns as of this writing. He signed a four-year, $8.083 million deal with Cleveland in July 2012.

6. Thaddeus Lewis

Browns career: 2011 to 2012

Career as Browns starter: 0-1 (.000)

How he was acquired: Lewis was claimed on waivers from the Rams. Although Lewis started the finale of the 2012 regular season, he had been on Cleveland's practice squad earlier in the year.

Browns highlight: On a 7-yard pass to Greg Little in the third quarter, Lewis had the Browns tied 10-10 with the Steelers.

Most Browns game: The Browns didn't score again after that and lost 24-10.

Career Browns stats: 68.8 completion percentage, 1 touchdown, 1 interception, 83.3 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "I thought Lewis played an outstanding game considering the situation that he was thrust into. He showed what I thought and I knew he had in him." -- Pat Shurmur, Browns coach. Shurmur was fired the next day.

Post-Browns career: Lewis is back on the practice squad. Now with the Buffalo Bills.

5. Colt McCoy

Browns career: 2010 to 2012

Career as Browns starter: 6-15 (.285)

How he was acquired: McCoy was drafted by the Browns out of Texas in the third round of the 2010 draft. Three quarterbacks were taken ahead of him: Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow and Jimmy Clausen. Not a lot of good options there.

Browns highlight: In just his third career start, in Week 9 of the 2010 season, McCoy played mistake-free football in game-managing the Browns to a 34-14 victory over Tom Brady and the Patriots. The game was such a blowout that the Patriots sat Brady for his backup. A backup named Brian Hoyer. Hoyer was 0-for-2 in the game with an interception.

Most Browns game: Dec. 8, 2011.

Near the tail end of a respectable first season as a full-time starter for the Browns, McCoy was concussed on a brutal hit by Steelers linebacker James Harrison. He hasn't started an NFL game since.

Career Browns stats: 58.2 completion percentage, 21 touchdowns, 20 interceptions, 74.7 quarterback rating

Quotable: "I'd really rather stay away from that topic." –- McCoy, when asked about his time in Cleveland after being traded by the Browns to the 49ers in April.

Post-Browns career: McCoy is Colin Kaepernick's backup in San Francisco. The Browns sent McCoy and a sixth-round pick to the 49ers for fifth- and seventh-rounders.

4. Jeff Garcia

Browns career: 2004

Career as Browns starter: 3-7 (.300)

How he was acquired: The Browns signed Garcia to a four-year, $25 million deal before the 2004 season, officially ending the five-year Tim Couch era in Cleveland.

Browns highlight: Garcia threw for 310 yards and four touchdowns in a Week 6 win over the Bengals to pull the Browns to 3-3. Hope!

Most Browns game: Really any of his next five starts, all of which the Browns lost as Garcia threw just two more touchdown passes. Those five starts were also his final ones for Cleveland. He was released after the season.

Career Browns stats: 57.1 completion percentage, 10 touchdowns, 9 interceptions, 76.7 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "I just came out of a situation where I was following legacies [Steve Young and Joe Montana] at the quarterback position, Hall of Famers. You talk about having to step into some big shoes. I don't fear competition." -- Garcia, after signing with the Browns.

Post-Browns career: Garcia finished his career with the Lions, Eagles and Buccaneers, putting up a 20-15 record as a starter from 2005 to 2008. The Browns went 24-40 in that same period.

3. Tim Couch

Browns career: 1999 to 2003

Career as Browns starter: 22-37 (.372)

How he was acquired: Selected with the No. 1 pick in the 1999 NFL draft. The New York Times referred to Couch at the time as "the man with the golden arm."

Browns highlight: Helping quarterback the Browns into a 2002 AFC wild-card spot at 9-7, Cleveland's only playoff berth since 1994. Unfortunately, he got hurt in the final regular-season game and didn't play in the postseason. But maybe that was for the best because that playoff game turned out to be pretty painful. Up 17 points over the hated Steelers with 19 minutes left in the game, Cleveland's defense was torched by Tommy Maddox and lost 36-33. Ouch.

Most Browns game: Dec. 1, 2002.

Favored by 7.5 points at home against the Panthers, Couch went 12-for-27 for 130 yards, zero touchdowns and 3 interceptions. He also lost a fumble in a 13-6 loss. The loss was essentially clinched with 1:45 left in the game on a Couch interception.

Career Browns stats: 59.8 completion percentage, 64 touchdowns, 67 interceptions, 75.1 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "We came a long, long way this year. Last year, we didn't have any respect around the league, and we were looked at as an easy win, a joke, really." -- Couch, about the Browns, at the end of the 2001 season, in which the Browns went 7-9. Twelve years later, the Browns still look like a joke. Really.

Post-Browns career: None. Despite several tryouts and training camp invites, Couch failed to catch on with another NFL team after the Browns released him before the 2004 season. His last NFL camp came in 2007, when he failed to beat out Quinn Gray and Lester Ricard for the Jaguars' third-string job.

2. Derek Anderson

Browns career: 2005 to 2009

Career record as Browns starter: 16-18 (.470)

How he was acquired: Cleveland claimed Anderson off waivers from the Ravens in September 2005.

Browns highlight: Anderson was named the first quarterback alternate in the 2008 Pro Bowl and actually played in the Pro Bowl when Brady chose not to attend. A Cleveland Browns quarterback in the Pro Bowl! It really happened! (Anderson was 10-for-26 in the game for 103 yards and an interception. He was also sacked twice.)

Most Browns game: Week 17, 2007.

Needing a win to get to 10-6 and have a shot to make the playoffs, Anderson struggled but did enough to help the Browns beat San Francisco 20-7. Unfortunately, the Browns didn't get the last playoff spot because the Titans slipped by them for the last spot at 10-6 with a 16-10 comeback win at Indianapolis. How did Tennessee win that game? Because the Colts benched their starters to rest them for the postseason. Cleveland's luck never doesn't run out.

Career Browns stats: 52.9 completion percentage, 46 touchdowns, 45 interceptions, 69.7 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "[Browns] fans are ruthless and don't deserve a winner. I will never forget getting cheered when I was injured. I know at times I wasn't great. I hope and pray I'm playing when my team comes to town and roll them." -- Anderson, after getting released by the Browns after the 2009 season. Whoa. It seems Anderson took that &#%$ serious.

Post-Browns career: Anderson serves as Cam Newton's backup in Carolina. In 2010, he played in 12 games for the Arizona Cardinals, but none against the Browns. So, he has yet to have an opportunity to roll them.

1. Kelly Holcomb

Browns career: 2001 to 2004

Career record as Browns starter: 4-8 (.333)

How he was acquired: Signed by the Browns after being cut by the Colts.

Browns highlight: Throwing for 429 yards and three touchdowns and helping Cleveland put up 33 points on the road in Pittsburgh in a post-2002 season wild-card game.

Most Browns game: That same game. Because Cleveland blew a 17-point third-quarter lead and lost.

Career Browns stats: 63.7 completion percentage, 26 touchdowns, 21 interceptions, 83.2 quarterback rating.

Quotable: "I don't think anybody in the building thought we weren't going to win. I think everybody thought we were going to go on." -- Holcomb, after that playoff loss to the Steelers, apparently forgetting he was on the Browns.

Post-Browns career: Holcomb hung around in the NFL for three more seasons with the Bills and Vikings and made 11 more starts. Today, he waits for a statue to be constructed in honor of his status as greatest Browns quarterback in modern times.

Quote of the Week

"A win like this boosts our ego and gives us that swagger we need." --Cam Newton, after Carolina's 38-0 win over the New York Giants.

It's about time the Panthers get some ego and swagger. Other than Newton's Superman celebration routine, a lineman taking out an ad in the newspaper last year predicting a Super Bowl title and the very existence of Steve Smith, the Panthers have always struggled with poor self-esteem. Not now, though. Not now.

Stat of the Week

3 of 115

Since 1990, only three of the 115 teams that have started a season 0-3 went on to make the playoffs. That's bad news for Pittsburgh, Washington, Minnesota, Tampa Bay, Jacksonville and the New York Giants. There is good news, however. Of those three teams that started 0-3 and went on to make the playoffs -- the 1992 Chargers, the 1995 Lions and the 1998 Bills -- only the Chargers made it past the wild-card round -- and they were the only team in the bunch to start 0-4. So, it's clear: If you want to make the playoffs and move on in the playoffs, 0-4 is the way to go. And that's a goal all of these teams can realistically aspire to.

Misleading Stat of the Week


The Jets committed 20 penalties to just seven for the Bills. The Jets also had two turnovers, and the Bills didn't have a single one. You don't have to be a football expert to know the Bills must have won this game easily. Rex Ryan will be fired any day now. The Jets are simply too mistake-prone to win football games in the National Football League. That's a fact.

This Week's Horrible Fantasy Team That Crushed Your Team

Jake Locker, QB, Titans -- 23-for-37, 299 yards, TD, 68 rushing yards, TD

Johnathan Franklin, RB, Packers -- 126 total yards, TD

Jason Snelling, RB, Falcons -- 111 total yards, TD

Santonio Holmes, WR, Jets -- 5 catches, 154 yards, TD

Josh Gordon, WR, Browns -- 10 catches, 146 yards, TD

Gavin Escobar, TE, Cowboys -- 1 catch, 24 yards, TD

Photos of the Week

"I better put my hand up as protection in case anyone chucks batteries."

"You know, with some glasses and a mustache, you'd be a handsome man."

"I can't believe he's writing love notes to Teddy Bridgewater right in front of me."

"Did you see the scores in our division?"

"Do you know that God can hear you tell me these lies?"

"Yeah, they're probably going to trade you for a draft pick."

"If you don't run your routes correctly this week, this is going upside your head."

"God, when I asked you to not make us lose right at the end of the game again, I didn't mean this."

"Good coaching, mini-Sean."

"Don't be scared of my big muscles, I won't hurt you."

"Come on, little buddy. Get up. Everybody has a bad day sometimes. Turn that frown upside-down."

"Ha-ha. I know. We screwed Flacco big-time, amiright? Let's see who's elite now."

"Do you have any tips on how I might win a Super Bowl after disappointing everyone for most of the season?"

"Since you're having a losing season, would you like to trade us some of your best players?"

"Shhhhh. Your laughter is very hurtful."

News Conference Questions Someone Should Have Asked

Jim Harbaugh: "Does your naturally laid-back attitude make it easier to deal with losing?"

Rob Chudzinksi: "Is Brian Hoyer the best quarterback you've ever had as a head coach in the NFL?"

Leslie Frazier: "What does it feel like to lose to a team everyone thought was trying to lose games on purpose?"

Reader Twitter Question of the Week

Don't be surprised if the 0-3 Jaguars trade Maurice Jones-Drew to a contender while he still has some value. And why not give third-stringer Ricky Stanzi a shot to play? He's a year younger than Brian Hoyer; he had a better college career in the same conference; and he definitely has prettier hair.

But whom to trade Jones-Drew to? Probably the Browns. That's a hot team with a good quarterback that just needs a legit running back to get it over the top.

Forced Sports/Pop Culture Reference in Hopes of Sounding Cool

RG III's season has been more disappointing than the final season of "Dexter." If there were an Emmy for comedic performance by a football secondary, Washington would win it. At least RG III hasn't been hurt yet. Him BREAKING? That would be BAD.

Five Things I Thought I Thought To Think I Think

1. Peterson's daughter isn't even 10 years old, yet she knows it's embarrassing to lose to the Browns. I don't ever want to hear again that the American education system is failing. American education is clearly elite. In fact, you can't spell American education without e-l-i-t-e. Maybe. It's hard to tell for sure. I admittedly know more about which football teams stink than about spelling stupid words.

2. Speaking of children, Ben Roethlisberger is now 1-6 as a starting quarterback since his son was born in November. This is not to say his baby son has made him into a losing quarterback. That's absurd. But if you hear a caller screaming and babbling on Pittsburgh sports radio that Roethlisberger is no longer a top quarterback, realize that it could be an actual child instead of an adult acting like a child.

3. You have to feel bad for Von Miller's urine collector. He made a bad decision and now he'll likely lose his job in the urine collection industry and will be forced to do something other than collecting people's urine for a living. That's the kind of thing that haunts you forever. His childhood dream of urine collection: over.

4. People sure seem to be enjoying saying "RG 0-and-3," which is a play off of his nickname and Washington's win-loss record. (For the record, I was the first person to ever think of that. It's true.) But how about this one? 0-and-3-li. Get it? Because Eli Manning is 0-3. Or ... and hold on to your hats ... Colin KRAPernick. Like, on account of Kaepernick not playing well lately? Yes. Burn indeed. And finally: the Losenville Stinkuars, which alludes to the Jaguars not being good at football. You are free to borrow any of these zingers.

5. The Ravens seem to have emerged from their Super Bowl hangover, but the Eagles and 49ers are going through a Super Bowl hangover of their own after winning it all in Week 1. Some say repeating is harder than winning it all the first time. Maybe so. In fact, for some Super Bowl champions, just winning two games in a row in the regular season seems to be impossible.