Five easiest things to do in tennis

Tennis is a hard, hard game. Thankfully, we found the five easiest things to do.

5. Break tennis etiquette

I'm used to covering baseball, where players step to the plate to face pitchers throwing 98 mph heat and filthy sliders that might be at their heads or on the low, outside corner. And all the while, the crowd is shouting abuse at one or the other player. In tennis, you must not ever speak above a whisper or even enter the court during a game. Meanwhile, the players are grunting louder than a closer's intro music.

4. Irritate Rafael Nadal

Just schedule him to play before noon, which is about when he usually wakes up. He complained Friday when forced to play an 11 a.m. match because of bad weather the previous day backing up matches. Yeah, Rafa. Sorry, the French Open folks didn't arrange with Mother Nature for it not to rain.

3. Talk to a player from any country

No matter their nation of origin, almost all the players in the top 100 speak English -- and usually several more languages. When Roger Federer gives his news conferences, the Swiss legend takes and answers questions fluently in English, then French, then German. Jim Leyland does not do this.

2. Buy something endorsed by Maria Sharapova

Among the companies that have paid Sharapova to promote their products are Porsche, Canon, Land Rover, Tag Heuer, Tiffany, Nike, Tropicana, Gatorade, Cole Haan, Evian and Samsung. And if you can't afford any of those things, you can always buy her own brand of gummy bear candy, Sugarpova.

1. Misspell Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova

There are many difficult Russian and Eastern Europe names on the tennis circuit -- including native Americans, such as Varvara Lepchenko -- but Pavlyuchenkco takes my top spot. I'm just glad I won't be covering a mixed doubles match between Pavlyuchenkova and Mariusz Fyrstenberg versus Andrea Hlavackova and Jonathan Dasnieres de Veigy. More than that, I'm glad I won't be providing play-by-play.