"Jimmer will surely violently turn and toss thee like a ball into a large country: there shalt thou die, and there the chariots of Jimmer's glory shall be the shame of thy house."
"And it came to pass that the Jimmer came down amongst the people and did minister unto them."
"For God so loved the world, he gave us Jimmer."
"Double Jimmer all the way across the sky."
"Only the Jimmer can find Carmen Sandiego."
"Why did Jimmer cross the road? Because he got tired of crossing over Tre'Von!"
"Someone please get this on ESPN some how some way."
Well, here you go, you maniacs: Your epic Facebook comment thread is on ESPN.
What's this all about? The backstory is such: A student at BYU wrote a letter to the editor of BYU's student newspaper, The Daily Universe, asking fellow BYU students to temper their Jimmer Fredette enthusiasm. The letter included the following points:
I can’t walk across campus without hearing Jimmer Fredette's name a dozen times. His name comes up everywhere: in class, at work, during lunch … really, people? Cut it out with the Jimmer worship. Last time I checked, idol worship was very much frowned upon in the scriptures.
Don’t you have a life to live? Then quit wasting it in front of the TV or in lines at the Marriott Center…
Now, there's probably a very serious philosophical argument to be had about idol worship in the modern sports landscape. It's always healthy to discuss just what makes our modern sportsosphere tick, and idol worship -- misplaced idol worship -- would be a fascinating and dynamic part of that discussion.
But asking Jimmer fans to tone it down? At BYU? In a public forum? Bad idea. Even worse idea? Posting about the letter on your public Facebook wall and leaving that wall open to comments. As you'd expect, it took approximately .03 seconds for fellow students and BYU fans to find that thread and begin posting hundreds of hilarious Jimmer-related comments, a sampling of which you read at the top of this post. (And there are so, SO many more.)
My favorite thing about this thread: None of the comments (at least none that I read, and I spent a solid 40 minutes reading through them) are overtly angry, profane, unintelligent or mean. Instead, they're hilarious. They combine Chuck Norris jokes with obscure bits of Jimmer-appropriated scripture. I suppose this is what happens when you mix the intelligent sarcasm of your average college student with the religious knowledge you'd expect from kids at a devotional school like Brigham Young.
All in all, it adds up to some good-natured, harmless, uproarious fun. That thread might be the best thing I've read this season. And the message is simple: Do not besmirch the name of thy Jimmer in Provo, at least if your Facebook wall is accessible to everyone with an account. Because that Facebook wall will get Jimmered. Hard.
(Hat tip: JimmerPOY.com)