Nine important reasons to Save The Wave

There is a move afoot to rid America of The Wave.

Nationals fans and the “cool kid,” hipster sports fans of America want to outlaw The Wave. They want to take away a time-honored means of passing time at America’s pastime.

And they are gaining traction. Check out social media during a baseball game when The Wave occurs. Or worse, sit among the cool kids at a stadium as The Wave rolls through their section. You will see and hear anti-Wave sentiment that no one dared to voice only years ago.

Enough is enough. Someone must stand up (raise his arms, then sit down again, wait 20 seconds, and stand up and raise his arms again) for The Wave.

Here are nine reasons to Save The Wave.

1. The Wave is not causing anyone to miss anything on the field.

That’s the biggest gripe of the anti-Wave crowd. “Every time these idiots stand up, I’m missing a play!”

Yeah, that’s a lie. Studies have shown there is anywhere between 14 and 17 minutes of actual action in a three-plus-hour Major League Baseball game. That includes the “action” of pickoff attempts, which -- based on all reasonable definitions of “action” -- is not action. The chance of you actually missing anything in the split-second The Wave rolls through your section is infinitesimal. And if you do, well ... you’ll probably see the next thing that happens. There are 161 other games and three hours left in this one. Cope.

I’m a baseball fan and I still don’t keep my eyes glued to the action for three continuous hours. If you do, maybe you need to find some interests other than baseball and Wave-hating.

2. The Wave is keeping baseball in business.

Look at the people doing The Wave. It’s kids. It’s people on dates. It’s the mom and dad-jeaned. It’s people in shirtseys of players who haven’t been on the roster in eight years. These people love The Wave and they fill the majority of the stadium.

Now look at baseball ratings on national TV. Football ratings crush baseball ratings. And I mean regular-season football ratings crush World Series ratings.

TV is not keeping baseball in the black. Getting 20,000, 30,000, 40,000-plus fans into seats for 81 games a season is baseball’s savior.

Ban The Wave and things that kids, people on dates, people in dated shirtseys and the mom and dad-jeaned enjoy, and soon every baseball game will look like a Marlins game. Only the die-hards will remain. And no annoying people doing The Wave will be blocking their view of their beloved sport that’s going out of business. Hooray!

Oh, one other thing, and this is important: Little kids love The Wave most of all. So if you hate The Wave, you hate children. You hate the future. This is a fact.

3. People who hate The Wave hate children.

This can’t be reiterated enough. Again: Children love The Wave most of all, and you hate The Wave. Ergo, you hate children. This is true. There is no way around it.

4. Participating in The Wave takes almost zero effort.

You hate children. And you want to see baseball die. You also hate the backbone of America: the mom and dad-jeaned. Got it.

Why is this so? Because you don’t want to do The Wave. My God. You are the world’s laziest person.

Here’s what you have to do to participate in The Wave. Every 20 seconds for two or three minutes, maybe two or three times a game, you have to lift up an arm. That’s it. You don’t need to stand up. You don’t need to stand up and throw both arms into the air. You don’t need to stand up, throw both arms into the air and scream with glee. You just need to lift an arm for a second. And you can’t do that. Wow.

This isn’t so much about you hating The Wave, children and baseball, is it? This is more about you being a disgusting sloth who gets winded by the lift of a single arm. My apologies that people who are able to stand are interrupting your athletic event.

5. Bryce Harper likes The Wave.

Are you saying you know more about what is cool than Bryce Harper? Nah, brah. Nah.

6. The wave can be done ironically.

So you’re a super-cool hipster sports fan who hates The Wave because it is not cool enough for you. Fine. Then do The Wave ironically. You do almost everything else ironically, right? “Look at me! I’m having fun and not hating children!” LOL.

7. The Wave brings back the glory of 1970s baseball.

The Wave was at its best when baseball stadiums were at their worst. Today’s stadiums interrupt the flow of The Wave with “views” and “amenities.” Not in the 1970s. Concrete circle stadiums meant The Wave could go and go and go in perpetuity. The most entertaining parts of 1970s baseball -- giant mustaches, giant Afros and players smoking in the dugout -- may be gone forever, but we still have The Wave. Cherish it.

8. The Wave is the hope and promise of America.

We have a Congress that is unable to get anything accomplished for the American people. We have an Internet in which even the most anodyne topics devolve into hate-filled message board flame wars. We have superstar quarterbacks going off on tirades about “tyranny” on random Tuesdays on Twitter. America seems increasingly angry and increasingly divided.

But look at The Wave. What do you see? People of every age, race, creed, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, religion or disability rising together as one to say ... to say ... to say ... hmm. I don’t know. I’ve never really figured out what the point of The Wave is. Damn. This portion of the pro-Wave argument lost a little momentum here. Kind of like The Wave does when it hits sections of people who hate America. Let’s try this again ...

But look at The Wave. What do you see? People of every age, race, creed, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, religion or disability rising together as one to say: “Sometimes baseball gets a little boring, OK? So we’re all going to throw our arms up in the air in a pattern around the stadium because whatever. Cool? Cool. Also, America is No. 1!”

In this fiercely divided America, perhaps The Wave is the only thing that can bring us together. The Wave is the melting pot that is America killing time while a middle reliever is called in from the bullpen to pitch to a pinch hitter. The Wave is doing something because it has no purpose and makes no sense. The Wave is freedom. The Wave is America.

O beautiful for spacious skies,

For amber WAVES

It’s OK if you don’t like The Wave. Just make sure to be loud and proud with your reason why: You hate America and all that she stands for.

9. The Wave looks kind of cool.

Does The Wave have no point? No doubt. Are the people who are always trying to start The Wave perhaps the world’s most annoying people? You bet. Can The Wave distract fans from important action taking place on the field? Rarely, but sometimes, sure. But when everyone is doing it and nothing is going on in the game, it does look kind of cool. I mean, it’s like a big wave going around the stadium ... but the wave is made of people! I mean, come on. It looks kind of cool at least, right? Also: AMERICA!