Before we announce the winner of last week's #cashtag -- sentences that have #NeverBeenUttered -- we need to tell you what happened to the winners from the last two weeks.
1) The guy who won for #LamestJockMoment, Wes Katagi ... ("7th grade swim meet. I won the 50M freestyle race only to be informed it was the breast stroke event") ... donated his $7.93, plus another $13.07, for a total of $20, to Nothing But Nets, our anti-malaria bednet campaign in Africa. Genius!
2) The guy who won for #WorstSportsMascot ... (Mindy, the Pregnant Groupie) ... Jay Bellwoar, actually DID buy a grilled-cheese sandwich at Denny's with his money and tweeted this picture to prove it. This is history, people. Photo by Rose Covalesky.
Furthermore, you need to know that this week's #cashtag is #SportsWouldBeBetterIf.
For instance, if you wrote, "#SportsWouldBeBetterIf ... You got to hit again after a home run" you might win $7.93!
Or if you wrote, "All of Cleveland's teams were switched with all of Boston's teams" you might win $7.93.
Or if you wrote, "Swimsuit models delivered the magazine directly to your house" you might win $7.93.
#NeverBeenUttered, meanwhile, proved to be a fertile ground for your odd minds. It was our most successful #Cashtag ever, in terms of making me blow cereal milk out my nose. As usual, the best ones were too dirty to print.
WINNER OF $7.93 (taxable income)
"Tim Tebow... You ARE the father."
Jake Snyder @JakeSnyder1865
EXCELLENT YET WINNERS OF NO CHEESE SANDWICH
"What are your academic standards, Mr. Calipari?"
Jim Bucher @JimBucher70
"How much to ship the Lombardi Trophy to Cleveland?"
Nick Chastain @fetus45056nc
"Rex Ryan was speechless."
"I can't go out tonight guys, there is a WNBA game on."
Luke Daugherty @lukedaugherty11
"Ripken playing today?"
Brian Green @greenmobe
"Lucas Oil Stadium: The House that Irsay Built."
Jefferson Boswell @jeffersonboz
"Mr. Kobayashi, would you like a box for your leftovers?"
Dayton Martindale @DaytonRMartind
"I'm full." - Charles Barkley
Adam Evans #BCSsucks @AdamHashtagEvan
STILL PRETTY GOUDA
"Antonio Cromartie.....you are NOT the father!"
Ian Michael @DieFacingTheSun
"Polamalu, get a haircut!"
Alex K. @Number1CSUFan
"And Blake Griffin goes up for a layup."
David Manners @DavidManners
"Peyton Manning was such a d*ck for leaving Indy the way he did."
Travis Reed @doreedo1420
"Please give a warm welcome to our keynote speaker, Leon Spinks."
Dean Smith @Deanmsmith
"Carmelo Anthony is really trying to get his teammates involved tonight."
Brandon Adams @superbranman
"Mike Vick, would u mind dog sitting for me this weekend?"
Elle Hagedorn @whatsthatsmELLE
"Not tonight, Wilt, I have a headache"
Scott Coe @scoutcannon
"The safety's on, Mr. Burress."
Adam Mack @AdamAMack
"The ball really jumps off the bat here at Petco Park."
Bob Brainerd @BobBrainerd
"Welcome to the Palms Mr. Dykstra, can we offer you a line of credit during your stay?"
"I simply must know who your tailor is, Mr. Sager."
Jeff LeMaster @TheJeffLeMaster
"The Bulls would have been nothing without Bill Wennington."
Derek Lippincott @derrrrrique
"Yo Lebron, great fourth quarter"
Judd Liebman @Juddtl
"Thank god we're still paying Bobby Bonilla."
Dan Beach @themagicrat88
"Jamie Moyer officially retires."
Dustin schemmel @schem_hut
"We couldn't keep up with Ben Crane's group."
Curt Goodwin @CurtOU
"Congratulations Danica, you passed the defensive driving test with flying colors!"
Nick Seiler @nick_seiler
"Michael Jordan for NBA Executive of the year!"
Chris Burns @burnsbleedsblue
"Thanks for the pass, Kobe"
Ross MacPherson @RossMacPherson8
"Sorry Mr. Zuckerman, your credit card has been declined..."
Jay Stalnaker @jaystalnaker420
"My bracket has Northwestern going to the sweet sixteen!"
Jeffrey Aday @JeffreyAday
“I’m really looking forward to working with Todd Haley."
"What a dunk by Derek Fisher"
Dhruv Madeka @DhruvMadeka
"We never should've gotten rid of Jamarcus Russell.
@billadelphia14 ... billy Grenfell
"Saints defense reportedly kept secret "Build-a-Bear" fund"
Nicolas Lewis @DoctorGeeves
AND THE WEEKLY ONE FROM MY BROTHER
"Augusta National is offering a Buy One, Get One Free deal (includes cart)."
John Reilly @peachrules