Among the things I hate most in golf are (a) fried-egg lies, (b) plumb-bobbing from the fairway, and (c) this hideous new "Light the candle!" thing people shout after Tiger hits his drive.
Light the candle? What is he, an altar boy?
So my 11 Twitter followers and I set out to find something better to yell after Tiger hits, and not the so-worn-out-you-want-to-club-yourself-in-the-forehead-with-your-6-iron "Get in the hole!"
I suggested, "Friend me!" or "Oh, the humanity!" or, in a very high voice: "ComPRESSion!"
You suggested all kinds of things. We turned it into a #cashtag, in which the best tweeted submission gets $7.93, the approximate cost of a grilled cheese lunch at Denny's.
That turned out to be "Get to the Choppa!!!" by @RKalland, who is actually a person named Robby Kalland of Atlanta.
Bathe in your cheesy victory, Robby.
The rest were mostly dirty, but there were some printable ones, too.
(This refers to Hank Haney's book about coaching Tiger. You had to read it.)
"Bangers and Mash!"
"Are you my dad?"
"You wont pass Jack!"
"Good job! Good effort!"
@mattcarps and @cademadison
(This is a reference to something a Miami Heat fan yelled during the ... oh, never mind.)
"It's a process"
"He's on fire....hydrant."
"Hold the pickles!"
"Can't touch this!"
"Be The Bald!"
"That's a clown shot, bro"
"Hide your kids, hide your wife!"
"Thanks for the memories!"
And finally there was this ...
"'C'mon GUYS! ... Who has the camera?!?' Oh, my bad, that's what Tiger says."
Postscript: Somebody actually did yell "Yabba dabba doo!!!!" after one of Tiger's drives on Sunday at the Open.
Let's hope it puts out the candle.