Things I'd Tweet If I Didn't Hate Tweeting

This will be arguably the most overmatched American team in Ryder Cup history: five rookies, only three players who've known the hell of a Euro Cup crowd and only one with a winning record (Hunter Mahan). Good luck with that.

I can't understand not picking J.B. Holmes, who’s been a beast lately, who would’ve intimidated Euros with his Tolstoy length and who helped win the last Cup. Rickie Fowler? He has no idea what he's in for.

Bankrupt cyclist Floyd Landis has filed a whistle-blower lawsuit against Lance Armstrong's former team. Landis would get 30 percent of the money recovered by the government if it won. Landis is in this for the money? Who knew?

Question: When are the feds going to investigate Landis for soliciting around $1 million in donations to pay for a legal defense that he knew was a lie? Isn't that fraud?

From Andre Agassi on his rival, Pete Sampras, in New York City last week: "I think if Pete and I ever woke up one morning and found out we'd switch personalities, we'd both go back to bed."

When I asked Agassi what would've happened if he'd gone up against Roger Federer in his prime: "I'd be answering questions about what's wrong with American men's tennis."

Death by white pants: Reader Mike King points out that Dustin Johnson (U.S. Open and the PGA Championship), Martin Laird (the Barclays) and most recently Jason Day (Deutsche Bank) all had the lead entering Day 4, then wore white pants and lost.

Memo to Corey Pavin: No white pants after Labor Day.

Twit on Twitter: British golfer Ian Poulter's thumbs are overworked. Recent post: "Kids packed off to school on there first day, wow the house is quite." Maybe his pants are so loud it's too hard to spell?

If Tiger Woods’ newly divorced ex, Elin Nordegren, posted on Match.com, would it start: MUST HATE GOLF?

Latest Tiger Woods stats: Single -- 46 worldwide wins, 8 majors. Married -- 36 and 6. Separated -- 0 and 0. Divorced -- 0 and 0.

Best loop in the NFL: Mike Shanahan liked his two caddies so much at the amazing El Dorado Golf Course in Cabo, Mexico, this past offseason that he brought them back on his private jet to Colorado to be his guests at Castle Pines and Cherry Hills.

Now that's a tip.

Heisman Trophy candidate Jacquizz Rodgers of Oregon State has a sister, Cartasha. His brother's middle name is Dequondre. His mom, Tasha, thinks them up.

Rodgers: "The worst part is nobody can pronounce it. They say 'Ja-keys' or 'Ja-kehzz.' It's Jah-quiz, although his friends just call him Quizz. When he has kids, will he be Pop Quiz?

If Reggie Bush really returns his Heisman, don't count on seeing it. The Heisman Trophy Trust in NYC refused to let me see the Bush replica that USC sent back and is now in its private Manhattan office.

"The board decided against it," Heisman spokesman Rob Whalen said. What is this, the Kohinoor diamond? If it’s a big deal when Heismans are given out, why isn't it a big deal when they come back?

I’m trying to write a column about the worst sports inventions ever. Help me out here. The leader so far: sports bras.

More random mind dumps from the brain of Rick Reilly: Go Fish!

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