After The Rapture

The Rapture comes Saturday at 6 p.m. ET, according to Oakland preacher Harold Camping, who's guaranteeing it.

But what if you're scuba diving and when you surface, you're the only person left on earth?

Me? Here's what I'd do:

Play 36 at Augusta, naked.

Go through President Obama's desk, take all those cool jerseys he gets from teams, then shoot on his hoop.

Watch a movie on the huge screen at Cowboys Stadium.

See if that big canister in Scottsdale really does have Ted Williams' frozen head.

Read Derek Jeter's diary.

Go to Indianapolis Motor Speedway and take 50 laps.

Not cut the lawn.

Get a monster truck and crush every car at Target.

Ride Smarty Jones once around Churchill Downs.

Bust some glass at the Baseball Hall of Fame and try on some uniforms.

Take Tiger Woods' yacht for a little spin. Play his four-hole course. Check medicine cabinet.

Eat rocky road ice cream out of the Stanley Cup.

Swim in Michael Phelps' pool wearing all 14 gold medals at once. (Remove before drowning.)

Do the Lake Placid luge, backwards.

Watch old football games on Peyton Manning's couch.

Look in Kevin Durant's backpack.

Feed many, many pets.

Introduce myself at Wrigley Field, set up a pitching machine and try to hit one out. Sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" on loudspeaker. Weep at the "take me out with the crowd" part.