College football quotes of the year

The first year of the College Football Playoff brought with it a whole new series of politicking. Several coaches felt compelled to remind us that we live in America. An Oregon seventh-grader provided us an eight-word mantra to live by. And while Steve Spurrier didn't have much to say during a disappointing 6-6 season, his preseason performance solidified his reputation as the game's most quotable coach -- even if Art Briles is closing quickly on the outside.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

"'One True Champion' is really about everybody playing everybody," -- Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby

It's not exactly "Win one for the Gipper," but sure
"Sometimes you have to embrace the suck." -- Northwestern coach Pat Fitzgerald

In a van down by the Brazos River?
"I'll fight a man with three children and a nice house any day over a man that's living out of a car." -- Baylor coach Art Briles

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
"You know what? What country do we live in? I think it's America. You know, that's always kind of been the American way. If there's a conflict or a doubt, you put two people in a ring, they fight, there's a winner." -- Briles on TCU vs. Baylor

Baylor should be fixin' to improve its nonconference schedule
"Let's get somebody that understands what fixin' means." -- Briles on playoff committee diversity

Believe the right to a playoff was the forgotten 11th amendment in the Bill of Rights
"It's un-American, bottom line. We live in a country where upward mobility is possible, where games should be played out on the field." -- Air Force coach Troy Calhoun on the playoff

What are the youth of Oregon talking about?
"There's Jesus, there's girls and there's Marcus Mariota." -- Charlie Papé, O'Hara Catholic School

Jesus, girls and Trevor Knight
"Trevor Knight, call me." -- Katy Perry

Playoff fever! Catch it!
"We're 9-1! It's awesome! Yeah, KU was cold and we won by 4. We're 9-1! And yet I'm down at Walgreens buying Pepto-Bismol. That's ridiculous. In the old system, you're down at a local bar ordering a round of champagne for everybody if you're 9-1. These days, you've got to order a bottle of Pepto-Bismol." -- TCU AD Chris Del Conte

Petty cash, homey
"That question is really above my pay grade. All I'm not paid to do is play." -- Bryce Petty, Baylor QB on the Bears' playoff chances

Les Miles is America
"Just recognize that it's Election Day coming up, where all those model citizens will get off and take care of their duties to their country. This is not Columbus Day; this is not just for the Italians. This is certainly not St. Paddy's; it's not just for the Irish. It is for all of those who have the ability to vote in our country, so get out and do that, please." -- LSU coach Les Miles

Says the man getting $6.3 million from Florida while coaching at Auburn
"I've got to do a TV show [Sunday]. You get fired -- I'm not a very good negotiator. So I'm ready to do that. That'll be a blast. I get to hang out with Mick [Hubert]. That's part of the deal. I'm not a good negotiator." - Former Florida coach Will Muschamp on what he'd do the day after his last game at Florida

Communication is key in football
"I haven't talked to Josh Lambert since he got on campus." -- West Virginia coach Dana Holgorsen on his relationship with his kicker

Maybe Holgorsen was on to something

Autograph guy for Auburn DC
"We'll probably have to try a little bit of everything. Nobody's stopped him. Some of them slowed him down a little bit, but the only guy that stopped him was the autograph guy." -- Former Auburn defensive coordinator Ellis Johnson on stopping Todd Gurley

Charlie Weis is still like a machine -- an ATM
"I'm telling you, he's the most knowledgeable, smartest football coach I've been around. He was like a machine, just the system. It was pretty amazing to watch him work and watch how his mind worked, and not only his football knowledge, but his motivational skills and his energy." - Duke coach David Cutcliffe on Charlie Weis. Weis was fired two weeks later.

OK, OK, we believe you. You have four wins.
"Right now we've got four wins. It's nothing to brag about, but I do think we're better than we were [last season] just by numbers, by reality alone. Last year, I couldn't say we had four wins at this time. I'm telling you we've got four wins right now, and I've got four wins to prove it." -- Illinois coach Tim Beckman

Like, say, people in Ann Arbor?
"It's fun to sit and watch other people suffer." -- Rich Rodriguez on what he does on a bye week

I'm sure Al Davis said the same thing
"People ask me what Nick says to me on the sidelines. It is just, 'I love you so much. Can we just run some." -- Alabama OC Lane Kiffin

Mike Leach wants you to stop reading this on your phone
"I'm not really good with technology. All this button pushing and whatnot. I mean, you can just imagine based on what's happened in the last 15 years. Conversations won't happen 10 years from now. There aren't going to be people to talk to, it's going to be this [mimics pushing buttons]. 'Do you want to go out on a date with me?' 'I don't know, what do you look like?' 'Well I look kind of like this.' 'OK, what are your interests?' 'Well, what do you think my interests are? Looking to this thing and typing into this just like yours are.' 'Yeah, no kidding, that's what everybody's doing.' 'Well, where do you want to go?' 'Well, what difference does it make? Because all we're going to be doing is looking into machines anyways.' Well, that's true and in the end, it's going to be tough to perpetuate the species. There's no question about that. So we're all going to look in this box and eventually be extinct. That's how it ends." -- Mike Leach on the fate of the human race

But bye week ain't played nobody
"I think our bye week was ranked No. 7." -- Bret Bielema

You can keep your can of swag. I'm making butter burgers.
"Our profession has gone so much off the deep end with everything that's going on with recruiting, and it's not even funny anymore. There are a lot of other coaches all over the country that feel the same exact way and don't like the direction things are going. There's so much BS out there. We want you to be a part of 'our can of swag' or whatever." -- former Iowa assistant Eric Johnson turned Culver's fast-food restaurant owner

But let's be honest. As much as we love Art Briles, Steve Spurrier is the master. His 6-6 squad may have left him speechless at times this year, but Professor Spurrier taught us all a lesson in his preseason media tour.

Head Ball Coach teaches history ...
"I heard about it. Read about it. Didn't know it was official yet. I'm actually from Tennessee. I always was taught the hero of the Alamo was Davy Crockett, so this was a new one on me.

"It's a good story, I'm sure Bonham did some good things. I always thought Davy Crockett was the hero of the Alamo, he and those 33 Tennessee guys that came in there and got killed, so forth. So the trophy was a little surprising to me. I'm sure this guy Bonham was a hero and did a lot of good, after I read the story."

And astronomy ...
"Dabo probably thinks there's only, what, nine planets out there. I think I read where Pluto may not be considered one now."

And economics ...
"Kevin Sumlin is a good coach. ... He's a good negotiator, too, we know that. He's got a good deal."

And music ...
"I was telling our coaching staff, I think Taylor Swift's got a song called 'Shake it Off.' Ugh. That's what we're trying to do, shake it off and get ready for the Florida Gators next week."