[Editor's note: The Big 10's arrival for this fall college football season is imminent. But for now, the SEC owns college football (both good and bad), Clemson runs the ACC and the Big 12 is, well, the Big 12. As always, the Bottom 10 sorts it out.]
Inspirational Thought of the Week:
"I wonder what those Star Destroyers are waiting for?"
-- Lando Calrissian from "Return of the Jedi"
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in a conference room at the cloning facility where they make all the Laura Rutledges to host 32 TV shows per week, we are really into apps. No, not little buttons on your phone that help you post pictures, find dates and then post pictures of those dates. We're talking about appetizers. You know, like pizza shooters, shrimp poppers or extreme fajitas.
Our obsession with the food we eat before eating the real food is also, admittedly, clouding our normally pristine judgment when it comes to ranking the best worst teams of college football. The teams currently on our list deserve to be there; but while we keep one eye on the Southern teams currently playing, we can't help but keep our other eye pointed toward the west. That's where the Big Ten and In-A-Rut-gers are nearing kickoff; where the MAC and defending Bottom 10 champs Akron-monious started practice just this week; where the Pac-12 and Mountain West have told San No-se State and ... wait ... sorry ...
Oh damn, I spent too much time with one eye pointed south and the other pointed west. I think they might be stuck.
With apologies to Squints Palledorous and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. ULM (pronounced "uhlm"), 0-5
The theme of last week's Bottom 10 was horror movies. We received some criticism for that decision from people saying we went there too early, because no truly terrifying horror films are released so early in the month of October. It is worth noting that none of those comments came from the members of the ULM special-teams unit, who released their new terror flick on Oct. 10.
Your day probably wasn't as bad as that of UL Monroe's punter
UL Monroe punter Daniel Sparks gives up not one but two touchdowns on botched punts in the end zone versus Liberty.
2. North Texas Lean Green (1-3)
It's been a while since our friends in Denton have been included in these rankings, but this week they jump -- OK, they fall -- from the Waiting List all the way to second. How? By getting housed in America's most underrated college football stadium (seriously, Apogee Stadium is awesome) by the then-No. 9-Charlotte-then-0-and-2ers, a loss that came only a week after falling to then-third-ranked Southern Missed, who were then-0-and-3.
UNT's only win this season was against Houston Baptist, which is also a "then" team, as in "back then, it was still playing," because HBU finished its four-game fall schedule last weekend with a 1-3 record. What we're saying is, all of those "thens" add up to a very rough now. Speaking of "nows," UNT's next opponent is now-seventh-ranked Muddled Tennessee in the Pillow Fight of the Week. If UNT loses that now, then there will likely be no more wins later.
3. FI(not A)U (0-2)
The Panthers also make a big jump/fall from the Waiting List into third after assisting in the first win of the season for then-second-ranked Muddled Tennessee. Now they will visit the Charlotte 1-and-2ers, which will be played only a few miles from my house. Quick question: If I get a mascot head, set up a VHS camcorder in the back of my pickup truck, drive that truck to this game and call it "Bottom 10 GameDay," does that make me eligible for the Sports Emmys?
4. US(not C)F (1-3)
It was easy to ignore the Bulls when they were 1-2, seeing as how their two losses had come to ranked teams -- like, the Top 25 rankings -- in Notre Dame and Cincinnati. But they were then run out of their own building by EC-Yew, which came into the contest 0-2 and the third-ranked team -- like, the Bottom 10 rankings. In related news, sources tell Bottom 10 JortsCenter that USF head coach Jeff Scott offered to trade one of his Clemson national championship rings if the ECU team plane would drop him off D.B. Cooper-style over Death Valley on its way home.
5. Too-Lengthy Rules Explanations (0-1)
I love college football officials. I am begat from one. I currently have a book out co-written with my father about his life as a college football official. It includes some amazing stories of his experiences with his colleagues in the SEC. It also includes multiple reminders that refs are, first and foremost, human beings and thus prone to mistakes. Our book is 264 pages long, which is roughly half the length of the official conference explanation of what happened at the end of the Auburn-Arkansas game. Writer's tip: Next time, a simple explanation of "They shouldn't have blown the play dead so quickly" will do.
6. Kansas Nayhawks (0-3)
Kansas spent last weekend failing to cover the spread against the Fightin' Byes of Open Date U. Up next comes a trip to Morgantown, West Virginia, that kicks off a four-game gauntlet that includes Top 25 teams Kansas State and Iowa State, followed by a trip to Norman, Oklahoma. Oh, and coach Les Miles tested positive for COVID-19. Other than that, it's been a lovely autumn in Lawrence.
7. Muddled Tennessee (1-4)
The good news? They won! The bad news? A win against FIU isn't enough to move off this list.
8. Texas State Armadillos (1-4)
Same for a win over ULM.
9. Southern Missed (1-3)
Same for a win over North Texas.
10. Minute(men) Rice (0-0)
Speaking of good news, UMess got a game scheduled! This weekend, it will travel to the Erk Dome to face Georgia Southern Not State. Meanwhile, Rice will have to wait another weekend to finally kick off its fall, with an instant Pillow Fight of the Week visit from MTSU -- the Owls' fourth attempt at a season opener -- followed by a Halloween trip to Southern Missed. It's starting to feel like maybe the Owls were just sidestepping those first three games so they could jump straight to the real Bottom 10 business at hand -- sorry, at talon.
The Waiting List: Needs More Cowbell (1-2), Western Can't-ucky (1-3), EC-Yew (1-2), Vanderbilt Commode Doors (0-3), Charlotte 1-and-2ers, Syra-cursed (1-3), Duke Bedevileds (1-4), FSU Semi-No's (1-3), COVID-19.