[Editor's note: The nation's last two winless teams stayed winless. Again. While a Big Ten team played itself into the Coveted Fifth Spot. Again.]
Inspirational thought of the week:
Why can't you do it?
Why can't you set your monkey free?
Always giving into it
Do you love the monkey or do you love me?
Why can't you do it?
Why do I have to share my baby?
With a monkey? (Monkey)
With a monkey? (Monkey)
-- "Monkey," George Michael
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located beneath a mountain of candy corn that was thrown out by Mike Leach, we spend a lot of time preparing for the unexpected. A loss by a Top 25 team that no one saw coming. A win by a Bottom 10 team that no one saw coming. A touchdown scored by a punter. An interception thrown by that same punter. A coach who never punts and used to never lose but now occasionally punts and hasn't won in nearly two months (sorry, Presbyterian College).
But no amount of watching weirdness had prepared us for the saga stemming from social media accusations that a monkey owned by the wife of the Texas Longhorns special teams coach had attacked a trick-or-treater.
Late into Monday night/Tuesday morning, Twitter was aflame, all while we were trying to sort through this week's Bottom 10 standings. Is the story true? Are parts of it true? As with any Halloween horror film (not to mention Twitter), we will likely never be able to cleanly separate the facts from the fiction. But like those people wandering in the woods for a week lost while looking for the Blair Witch, the damage has been done. New fears will now forever lurk in our heads. Unsettling images will occupy our mind's eye forever. Our very souls shall forever remain unsettled.
In other words, y'all now know what it's like to spend your Saturdays watching the teams of the Bottom 10.
With apologies to Abu, Rafiki, the Los Angeles Angels' Rally Monkey and Steve Harvey, here's the 2021 post-Week 9 Bottom 10 rankings.
1. unLv (0-8)
After four consecutive weeks of close losses, the Fightin' Tark Sharks finally suffered a good old-fashioned Bottom 10 beatdown, falling 51-20 to rival Nevada in the annual Battle of Nevada. Tradition states that the winner of that game gets to keep the Fremont Cannon, a Howitzer named for John Fremont, a 19th-century pioneer and the same man whose name is on the street that makes up the old Las Vegas Strip. The Nevada Wolf Pack tried to fire the Fremont Cannon after their win, but it was too gunked up with glitter, cheap shrimp tails and Fireball residue.
2. By The Time I Get To Arizona (0-8)
The Mildcats stretched their FCS-worst losing streak to 20 games after falling to USC 41-34. Their past two losses were both by a touchdown or less, but their last win was at Colorado on Oct. 5, 2019. The No. 1 film at the box office that weekend was "Joker" as in, "Dude, we are 4-1. What do you mean we are about to lose every game for the next three years, you joker?"
3. Kansas Nayhawks (1-7)
Kansas is tied with Arkansaw State and FI(notA)U for the nation's third-longest losing streak at seven in a row, way behind Arizona's 20 and unLv's 14. That's something positive that they include in this weekend's game notes ahead of their annual rivalry matchup with Kansas State. That and they are the only two Big 12 teams that haven't fired anyone, lost a game they shouldn't have, defected to another conference or, you know, had a special teams coach's wife's monkey go viral.
4. U-Can't (1-8)
The good news? UConn is in the midst of a rare double bye with its second straight scheduled open date this weekend. The bad news? Clemson has a scheduled open date next weekend, and it's against the Huskies.
5. Meechigan (7-1)
This week's Coveted Fifth Spot is occupied by the team that was only one rung below the AP Top 25's fifth spot one week ago. Then Jim Harbaugh lost to Michigan State. Again. That brings his career record vs. Sparty to 3-4. When paired with his 0-5 record vs. Ohio State and his 1-4 mark in bowl games, it's like pulling your laundry out of the dryer and realizing that you left a blue permanent marker with the cap off in the pocket of your khakis.
6. UMess (1-7)
After beating UConn to snap a 16-game losing streak, Massachusetts lost 59-3 at Florida State and backed that up by falling 62-17 at Liberty. As they walked off the field, the platoon of Minutemen angrily shouted, "Really, Liberty?! After all we did for you?!"
7. Whew Mexico State (1-7)
Speaking of Liberty, reports have linked both the Flames and New Mexico State to Conference USA's ever-changing expansion plans. Meanwhile, the athletic directors at UConn and UMass both indicated they might want to throw their helmets into the C-USA ring as well. In related news, if all four of those current independents end up joining the league, then we will immediately move our Bottom 10 headquarters into the custodial closet off the break room at the Conference USA offices like Ryan in "The Office."
8. FI(not A)U (1-7)
The Butch Davis Farewell Tour continued with a 38-0 loss at Marshall, after which Davis refused to speak to the media.
9. Arkansaw State (1-7)
After the Red Wolves lost 31-13 to the South Alabama Redundancies, Butch Jones did speak to the media and realized three questions into the news conference that he was receiving questions intended for Butch Davis from angry FIU beat writers who just needed a quote from a Butch after another bad loss.
10. Southern Missed (1-7)
Don't sleep on the Golden Eagles, who have a remaining schedule custom built for falling down the stairs into the Bottom 10 basement, with games against Waiting List residents North Texas Lean Green and Lose-iana Tech as well as former Bottom 10 stalwart-turned-Top 25-traitor R.O.C.K in the UTSA. That all leads to what might very well be a season finale Pillow Fight of the Year MegaBowl on Thanksgiving weekend when FIU visits SoMiss. And we are So not Missing that.
Waiting list: Ohio Not State, Georgia Southern Not State, Texas State Armadillos, Lose-iana Tech, Tulame, Colora-duh Muffaloes, Indiana Who-siers, Vanderbilt Commode Doors, North Texas Lean Green, COVID-19.