The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
Moon over Miami
Shine on as we begin
A dream or two that may come true
When the tide comes in
Hark to the song of the smiling troubadours
Hark to the throbbing guitars
Hear how the waves offer thunderous applause
After each song to the stars
Moon over Miami
You know we're waiting for
A little love, a little kiss
On Miami shore
--"Moon Over Miami" -- Bill Haley & His Comets
Bill Haley wasn't the first to record "Moon Over Miami." Not even close. It was written by Joe Burke and Edgar Leslie in 1935 and The Comets didn't record it until 1957. In between the song was laid down by a cavalcade of band leaders and their orchestras and even sung by Bing Crosby. Since Haley took it to the charts, it has been recorded by everyone from Ray Charles to The Platters. There has been a "Moon Over Miami" movie and a "Moon Over Miami" TV show. There's even a Moons Over My Hammy breakfast sandwich at Denny's. And long after anyone reading these words has shuffled off this mortal coil, someone somewhere else will be singing -- or eating -- some version of "Moon Over Miami."
Like the Highly Coveted Number Five Spot here in the Bottom 10.
Long before I started writing this (last year), it became customary for the fifth spot to be occupied by a team that was clearly not among the 10 worst teams in the nation, but rather had stumbled badly in a big game, or lost unexpectedly to a historically weaker opponent, or just fired a coach, or did something somewhat embarrassing, or ... OK, you get the gist here, right? Most readers of the Bottom 10 already know this. There's even a detailed explanation on Wikipedia.
If you do, then you're way ahead of Canes Nation. Last week, coming off their shockingly awful loss to Clemson and the firing of coach Al Golden, Miami landed in the Coveted Number Five Spot. Whenever a team that hasn't been there in a while -- or ever -- pops into that slot, I typically receive a few confused angry tweets and emails ... but only a few.
I received hundreds from Miami fans. HUNDREDS. They questioned everything from my ability to do math to my relationship with my mother. These are pretty representative of the lot:
(Yes, he was responding to Miami QB Bradley Kaaya, who'd tweeted out our rankings to get The U's users riled up.)
And then, finally, reason arrived:
Greg, I didn't do that, but another big brand-name program did land the spot. So instead, I gave my new friends from Coral Gables this entire intro.
With apologies to Bernie Kosar and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. UC(not S)F (0-9)
No athletic director? No head coach? No problem. And still no wins.
2. Kansas (0-8)
The good news? The Baylor/Texas Tech/Oklahoma State/Oklahoma stretch that everyone in Lawrence had feared is now finally behind the Nayhawks. The bad news? The final four weeks bring trips to Texas and TCU and visits from West Virginia and Kansas State. Auntie Em!
3. The Boys From Oopsilanti (1-8)
The Great Pumpkin visited both North Texas and New Mexico State on Saturday night, delivering wins to the pumpkin patches in Denton and Las Cruces and causing us to have the same reaction as Linus when he saw what he wanted to see but never actually expected to see. We passed out. But rushing in to take their spots are a pair of MACtion teams that just so happen to be the combatants in Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year 6 (PFOWY6). That'd be EMU and ...
4. My Hammy of Ohio (1-8)
... these guys. With all due respect to Michigan vs. Ohio State, here at Bottom 10 HQ, located in the same Rubbermaid storage shed where they keep those creepy Michael Myers-looking masks the College GameDay guys wore last week for Halloween, this is the Ohio-Michigan border battle we've been amped for. By the way, for those of you who've never figured out why I've always referred to Miami of Ohio as My Hammy of Ohio, you finally have the answer. Remember? The intro? No?
5. UGH-A (5-3)
We're not allowed to call it the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party anymore. So, can we call it the World's Largest Outdoor Postgame Drowning Our Dawg Sorrows With Cocktails Party?
6. R-O-C-K in the UTSA (1-7)
A few spots back you might have exclaimed, "North Texas won?! Who in the world did they beat?!" Well, um ...
7. Louisiana Monroe (1-7)
ULL defeated ULM in the UL Learning The Alphabet Classic. Next week ULL plays ULN and ULM will meet ULO. Actually, I think we're all going to meet ULO whether we want to or not. I Googled "ULO" as I wrote this, and it's a French home surveillance system that's an owl shape with big eyes that watch your property for you and can send emails if there's trouble. Sources tell me that Bill Belichick already has bought the company.
8. UMess (1-7)
This weekend the Minutemen host Akron. No offense to the Zips, but they are merely garnish for the UMass schedule that follows, with a trip to Oopsilanti on Nov. 14 and a visit from My Hammy of Ohio one week later. It's going to be like the three-man staredown at the end of "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" if we replaced The Good with something not as good.
9. SMU (1-7)
My old Mustang friends, it's good to see you again. I hope you feel the same. Judging from the crowd at last weekend's game against Tulsa, I'm assuming you'd be happy to see anyone.
10. New Mexico State (1-7)
No, I didn't drop NMSU from the Bottom 10 after they won over I-duh-ho. Not even when that win ended the nation's longest losing streak. Why? Because I needed an excuse to post the video of exactly how they won the game that ended the losing streak. We make it a rule here not to single out players. But Terrill Hanks, take a bow. No, jump in the air and click your heels like Fred Astaire, for you sir just a grabbed a game-winning overtime interception with your ankles. No really, he did. Watch it here, but please place your hand over heart while doing it.
Waiting list: No-braska (3-6), North Texas Forty (1-7), FA(Not I)U (2-6), Why, Oming? (1-8), Huh-why-yuh (2-7), Charlotte Hornets ... wait, sorry, Charlotte 49ers (2-6), Merry-Land (2-6), plays with as many penalties and downed knees as laterals.