<
>

Season finale: A celebration of Bottom 10 life

play
Sad fans of college football Week 13 (0:47)

Big upsets mean a lot of sad fans in college football. (0:47)

The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:

Just for a moment I stood there in silence
Shocked by the foul evil deed I had done
Many thoughts raced through my mind as I stood there
I had but one chance and that was to run

Out through the back door of Rosa's I ran
Out where the horses were tied
I caught a good one, it looked like it could run
Up on its back and away I did ride

Just as fast as I could from the West Texas town of El Paso

"El Paso" -- Marty Robbins

Life comes at you fast, right, Marty Robbins? One day you're dancing with a pretty girl you met in El Paso and the next you're on the run because you decided to shoot some poor dude who tried to buy her a drink before he realized she had a boyfriend.

It's not unlike what happened to us on the Bottom 10 Selection Committee, composed of me; my dad; Jerry Glanville; Watson Brown; former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright; Jake, the manager of the Chick-fil-A where we meet; and our newest member, Bret Bielema.

We thought we still had a week to go, much as we have the past several seasons. The Sun Belt always schedules a couple of games during conference championship weekend, and those games always include a couple of Bottom 10 contenders. This year the game with impact was going to be Georgia State Not Southern at Coastal Carolina, aka the Fun Belt Mega Bowl. Then Coastal snapped a nine-game skid by winning at Idaho and Southern had the audacity to pull off an upset win over Louisiana-Lafayette.

Suddenly, late Sunday night, we were forced to spring into action. But since it was Sunday, the Chick-fil-A was closed and we were forced to improvise for meeting space.

What would we do about San Jose State's win over Wyoming -- but also its 13th data point of a 13th game played? What would we do about 13 double-digit loss teams to fill 10 spots? And what would we do about the fact that the entirety of Knoxville now smelled like the port-a-potty we were sitting in?

At least our friends in El Paso made the first part of our problem easy to solve.

With apologies to Paydirt Pete and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.

1. UTEPID (0-12)

The Miners ended the season as the first oh-fer FBS team in two years, ranked last in the nation in offense and 11th worst in defense. They were poised to enter December with a brand-new athletic director, no head coach, zero incoming players signed to their 2018 recruiting class and interim coach Mike Price jetting back to his Idaho retirement home after confessing "This is more complicated than I thought." Oh, and UTEP basketball coach Tim Floyd quit Monday night right after losing to Lamar. Jarvis, initiate the Clean Slate Protocol ...

2. Minute Rice (1-11)

My only job on Thanksgiving was to cook the rice. But after the NFL game put me to sleep I forgot about the pot on the stove and burned that rice to a crisp. I tried to explain to my family that it was a Bottom 10 metaphor. That did not help.

3. Kansas Nayhawks (1-11)

David Beaty's record after 3 seasons is 3-33 and he just finished 3rd in the Bottom 10. For Christmas someone should get him one of those Chance the Rapper hats.

4. Ore-gone State (1-11)

The Beavers lost to archrival Oregon 69-10, making it the worst Civil War beatdown since Vicksburg.

5. Rocky Slop (4-8)

We asked the Bottom 10 Stats & Info department, also known as a guy asleep atop a stack of old "Heath Shuler For Heisman" notepads, and it/he confirmed what we'd already suspected. Tennessee is the first team in Bottom 10 history to hold down the Coveted Fifth Spot three times in one season (four if you count the week when it was occupied by the entire SEC East), plus the first to own it in consecutive weeks. In related news, I have just received word from the University of Tennessee board of trustees that my Class of '93 diploma has been stapled to Greg Schiano's contract and tossed into the shredder.

6. Charlotte 1-and-11ers (1-11)

The 11ers ended the season with a loss to the FAU Owls, whose winning effort was made even more impressive as coach Lane Kiffin called offensive plays with one hand while trolling Tennessee on Twitter with the other.

7. Baylor (1-11)

Ding-dong. "Hi, it's the Uber Eats delivery guy. I have a dozen cheesesteaks, a case of Dock Street Beer, a Temple sweatshirt and a box of tissues for a Mr. Rhule."

8. Big Baller State (2-10)

Whereas your Thanksgiving football weekend might've started with Turkey Night's Egg Bowl, we here at Bottom 10 HQ had already been in a deep giving of thanks for days, thanks to last week's Tuesday night #MACtion tripleheader. When the dust had settled over the Midwest, the conference that started the day with three 2-9 teams was left with three 2-10 teams. So, how did we choose Baller over the other two? While State of Kent lost to Boiling Green head-to-head, it did beat My Hammy of Ohio. Boiling Green also beat My Hammy, but you know who lost to My Hammy? Baller State. You know who else they lost to?

9. Ill-uh-noise (2-10)

These guys. The Fightin' Lovies beat Baller way back in Week 1. Then they beat Western Kentucky in Week 2. Then they lost 10 in a row. That Bad 10 got the Big Ten into the Bottom 10.

10. Livin' on Tulsa Time (2-10)

UT, as in Tulsa, lost to TU, as in Temple, to go with its earlier losses against TU, as in Tulane, and UT, as in Toledo, meaning UT, as in Tulsa, ended up with a record in UT vs. TU/UT games of 0 and T, er, 3. Hey, y'all, there's still time to schedule an unofficial bowl game with UT, as in Tennessee, for a postseason Pillow Fight of the Year to determine, once and for all, 2017's worst UT.

Waiting list: San No-se State (2-11), Boiling Green (2-10), State of Kent (2-10), Texas State Armadillos (2-10), the loser of Saturday's Mega Bowl between Georgia Southern Not State (2-9) and Myrtle Beach U. Chanticleers (2-9).