| | Two great football players of the '80s and '90s were feted by their most loyal and least critical supporters Sunday.
|  | | The retirement of Dan Marino's number was a bit larger than life Sunday night. |
In the NFL, tributes only run to one size --- over the top. But two things happened Sunday. One was relatively dignified, and the other was so over the top that it nearly expired for lack of oxygen.
Amazingly, the dignified one happened in Oakland. Dignified, that is, by comparison with the one in Miami.
In Oakland, the Raiders and their first sellout crowd in three years saluted one who was not actually their own --- Hall of Famer Howie Long. He was a rookie in 1981, the Raiders' last year in Oakland, and retired in 1983, two years before the Raiders returned. Thus, almost every fan at the Coliseum saw him only on television.
And yet, when he was saluted Sunday during halftime of the Raiders-Broncos game and presented his Hall of Fame ring, he said a few well-chosen words, bathed in a couple of standing ovations, and walked off.
Too bad for the Raiders. They could have used someone to stop Mike Anderson.
But we digress. The only thing that seemed weird about it was the fan in the second row who dresses for every home game in Long's uniform, shoulder pads, helmet and all, shaking his hero and model's name, and then holding his hands to heaven as though he had been cured of leprosy.
There were no fireworks, no marching bands, no hundreds of high schoolers forming Long's crewcut in silhouette. By NFL standards, it was downright sedate, and in an atmosphere that turns Transylvania into Six Flags.
And then there was Miami, and Dan Marino. Marino did all his work before the very people who worshipped him Sunday night at halftime of the Ravens-Dolphins game, and is genuinely recognized as the greatest Dolphin of them all.
Indeed, the only people who have a complaint about Marino's career are those who say, "But no big shiny headlight ring ... what's up with that?"
Fine, he's not perfect. But he surely deserves to have his number retired, to have a halftime in his honor, to have the marching bands, the fireworks show and enough smoke to make Pittsburgh asthmatic.
Hey, it's Miami. Subtlety is for the insurance adjusters.
Here's where it gets weird, though --- the closing song. With millions of songs having been written in human history, from "New York, New York" to "You Are The Sunshine Of My Life," to "Mr. Roboto," the one the Dolphins' extravaganza department chose to send off their hero with was, "Jesus, Joy of Man's Desire."
And here, children, is where we must regrettably get off.
Now, nothing says spectacle quite like an NFL halftime. Even the Frisbee-catching dogs wear sequins. We understand that. We cope with it, usually by hitting the water closet while listening to the scores as they slip through the crack under the door.
But "Jesus, Joy of Man's Desire?" for a retiring quarterback? Yipes. What if he'd actually won a Super Bowl? What then, Richard Belzer doing standup at the 50-yard-line and saying, "Hey, God, what about this right here? Huh, God? What do you have to say to this? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
This is not in any way a criticism of Marino, unless in a moment of total delusion he requested the song. Marino's ego runs large, as any NFL quarterback's would, but it isn't XXXXXXXXXXXXXXL.
In other words, he gets the marching band. He gets the smoke. He can even get the 101st Airborne if Wayne Huizenga wants to foot the bill. That's what 50,000 yards and a thousand touchdowns gets these days. Hey, Super Bowls drop Diana Ross from airplanes on a rope.
But there has to be a point where someone says, "OK, but maybe not this, and "Jesus, Joy of Man's Desire" ought to fit in that category.
Not because of the potential blasphemy, but because of the damage done to the planet if God falls into a laughing fit and causes a tsunami, or an earthquake, or a series of "Survivor" from Ossining State Prison.
See, God has a sense of humor, and a great one at that. Reference the platypus, or any meal that includes beets, or Rowan Atkinson. God is actually a very funny guy, and God understands that being a quarterback, even a great one, only takes you so far.
Dan Marino's gone far. He has a lovely family. He's a public icon. He's on HBO, and not as a recurring character in "Oz." He's earned that. Good on
his father, as the Irish like to say.
But let's hold "JJOMD" for someone who's, say, saved civilization, cured a disease, or died. Because, to answer the popular question, "What
Would Jesus Do?" the answer in this case would more likely be, "Goin' To A Go Go."
Which, anyway, is a way more rockin' tune.
Ray Ratto, a columnist for the San Francisco Examiner, is a regular contributor to ESPN.com. | |
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