ROME IS BURNINGFormer LPGA star Jan Stephenson is pretty enlightened. When asked about the LPGA tour she said, "This is probably going to get me in trouble, but the Asians are killing the tour." This is probably going to get you into trouble? Ya' think? Racist statements usually do, Jan. What does that even mean? How does a race of people "kill" a sport? Just be thankful no one even knows or cares who you are, or you'd be in even more trouble. After getting some flack, Stephenson doubled back and tried to apologize. Wake up, it's 2003. You're killing us Jan. And by 'us', I mean, open minded, intelligent, reasonable people. Apology not accepted, racist.
Jacksonville punter Chris Hanson is out for the rest of the season after slicing himself open with an ax. Jags coach Jack Del Rio dropped an axe and tree stump in the locker room to further illustrate his 'keep chopping wood' metaphor. Well, he missed the stump. Hanson of course, was badly burned in 2002 after getting hit with a burning pot of fondue in his home. If this guy is going down with self-inflicted fondue and axe wounds, he's not going to make to 40. How does he not slit his throat shaving?
Soccer star Beckham dropped a bomb recently saying he is considering a move to the US. "I've always said, the one thing I love about America is that they are so patriotic about their sports…in America, they look after their sports stars." Translated, I'll make twice as much jack here in America. You may think so, but you won't. Bro, no offense, I wouldn't know who you are if you walked right onto this set. True, we are patriotic about our sports, except soccer. That we don't care about. And yes, we do look after our sports stars, probably to a fault. Again, that won't be your concern as no one here knows or cares about you. Stay in Europe and continue to be the most overrated athletes on the face of the earth, Becks.
Cosmonaut Lance Bass is falling. Bass, a member of the Backstreet Men, O-town or The New Men on the Block, (Quite frankly, I don't know and I don't care.) Anyway you'll recall he wanted to go into space but couldn't come up with the $20 mill the Russians required. So they stoned him. He recently told a group of middle-schoolers, "Just stick with math and science and dream big." This from a guy who missed the 100-dollar question on the millionaire game show. Screw John Glenn, Buzz Aldrin or Neil Armstrong, let's get a guy who dances in unison with four other middle aged dudes with frosted lettuce, trying to sell records to 12 year old girls. Perfect.
Actress Angelina Jolie, who in a town of freaks, is now the freakiest one of them all. Now comes word that she has been slamming cockroaches. "I developed a taste for the stuff while I was in Cambodia. I've eaten cockroaches and bee larvae and crickets. You can get them with peanuts inside with guts. They're really meaty and high protein." Look, freak, we looked the other way when you wore your husband's blood around your neck. We pretended not to notice when you made out with your brother. But this is over the top. We get it. You're weird. Enough. Stop eating things out of the dump.
Saturday Night Live debuted on NBC this week in 1975. It was a groundbreaking and revolutionary comedy show that helped launch the careers of such stars as John Belushi, Bill Murray and Eddie Murphy. Fast forward 28 years to a cast of smug comedians barely able to contain themselves while reading their bad jokes. Now would be a pretty good time to take this dog out back and shoot it. Or at the very least, stop having your cast members die.
Incredibly, Michael Jackson has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for promoting peace through pop music. However, even those who give out the award admit that Wacko Jacko is not a serious candidate to win. Really? I thought he'd be a lock. Having repeated surgeries on your grill should bring an end to the conflict in the Middle East shouldn't it? Dangling a baby over a railing should end the war in Afghanistan, right? Certainly, all the quality time he spends alone with various youngsters promotes world peace, right? I'm all for him winning it. Just as long as Roman Polanski, Luis Polonia and Gary Glitter get theirs too.