ROME IS BURNINGIt was only a matter of time before Milton Bradley went Milton Bradley and it happened Tuesday night at Dodger Stadium. Some knucklehead fired a plastic bottle in his direction and in an equally knuckleheaded display; Bradley fired it back into the seats. Look if you throw anything onto the field, you're an idiot, but Bradley has to keep his dome. He can't react that way. Then again, it's not really his fault. He's crazy. Hello suspension, goodbye season, goodbye Dodger career, thanks for coming. This was the reason he was run out of C-town. This was the meltdown everyone was waiting for in LA and it couldn't have come at a worse time.
How good is the NFL? There isn't anything about this league that I don't love. The speed, the violence, the smack talking, the rivalries. But there's nothing I love more about the NFL, than all the grease balls that bust out with their TV shows, radio shows, newsletters and websites dedicated to providing you with exclusive analysis: in other words, gambling picks. Look, I get that a lot of you like to get down, that gambling is an enormous industry. But if these guys are such experts, why do they need my credit card number? Why do they tell half of you to go one way and half of you to go the other way with their 'five star, lock of all eternity' pick. Oops, looks like I just gave up the scam. Now, here's my pick of the century, no matter how hard you try, you will never make money gambling on the NFL; that's why they have point spreads.
The more things change the more they stay exactly the same. Bill Parcells still owns Joe Gibbs and the Redskins still can't beat the Cowboys. Fact is, this isn't a Parcells-Gibbs thing as much as it is a Cowboys-Redskins thing. Never mind the Tuna, the Skins couldn't beat Chan Gailey or Dave Campo. It doesn't matter what hack the Cowboys throw under a headset, Washington can't beat them . The cowboys are 13-1 against Washington since 1997. At least it's not a rivalry game or anything that is a joke. The league's best team shouldn't lose to the league's worst team 13 times in 14 games. Speaking of Gibbs, how long until Dan Snyder fires his idol?…
Tough couple of weeks for Oscar de la Hoya. First he gets blown up by Bernard Hopkins in the ring. Nothing like getting your liver exploded on pay-per-view TV. I would imagine that felt below average. And now comes word that Oscar's TV show, the next great champ is going to get cancelled, possibly as soon as this week. Look, I had no qualms with Oscar throwing on leather pants, going Ricky Martin and voicing a few tracks, but throwing is hat into the reality TV genre was embarrassing. Even Magic Johnson thought that TV show was unwatchable.
Speaking of livers, whisky drinkers and necks everywhere are outraged that Jack Daniels is going to dilute its famous brew by dropping it from 86 to 80 proof. To hear these people talk about it, you'd think the world was coming to an end. Look, you can still make your bathtub gin as potent as you like. No one is telling you how lethal to make your backyard shine. Just know this; if JD's decision to drop the percentage of alcohol in its whisky has any sort of negative impact on your life, you need to check yourself into a clinic as soon as this show is over. In the meantime, if you're jones'ing that hard, go kill what's left of the rubbing alcohol you have under the sink.
What all great athletes want more than anything else, is to go out on top: but very few of them actually do it. John Elway comes to mind. And to that short list, you can add iconic hot dog eating champ, Takeru Kobayashi. Kobayashi, who once killed 53 1/2 dogs in 12 minutes, is thinking about shutting it down: "I want to retire before I disappoint my fans. It's not the competition that I fear. It's a decline in my own abilities. I must go out on top." Exactly. I can't bear the thought of some young freak blowing by a cholesterol riddled, bloated, disinterested Kobyashi. I could handle seeing Willie Mays drop fly balls in center field for the Mets, or Johnny Unitas stumbling around the backfield with the Chargers. But no true sports fan wants to see Kobyashi yank after crushing just 8 dogs. That I could not bear. Long live the King.
And finally, there's reportedly another Paris Hilton sex tape floating around. In this episode of Paris gets freaky, she allegedly gets after it with backstreet man and former boyfriend Nick Carter in the back seat of a car. Then she answers the door naked and is shown rolling up blunts. Look, P, if you want to be a porn star, go right ahead; no one is stopping you. But enough of this nonsense about people breaking into your Hollywood Hills home and stealing these tapes. Be a porn star. That's fine. At least then, you'll be famous for a reason. Because as it stands now, I have no idea why I even know who you are.