ROME IS BURNINGNice to see the President crack back on juicers and cheaters in sports in his State of the Union address. After devoting much of his speech to foreign policy, terrorism and various domestic issues, he urged professional sports to rid itself of steroid abuse. Talk about a non-sequiter! Where did that come from?! I half expected him to bust out with, "And, and, don't cross the street without looking both ways. And, and, eat your vegetables!" Don't do steroids?! Yeah, that ought to solve the problem. As if any athlete is going to hear that and think, the President says I shouldn't roid up, I think I'll stop. Like any athlete even watched the State of the Union address. Like these guys even know who our President is!
Look, I'm not here to crack on the Carolina Panthers. Never mind that no one outside of the Carolinas wants to see them in this game and that they're the Super Bowl version of the Florida Marlins. Fact is, they earned it and we're stuck with them. And I'm not saying they can't win. I'm just saying they won't. I know, I know, that's what everyone has said about you all year long and you just keep finding ways to win. There's only one problem with that: New England is better. And you're not going to find a way to grind out one more win, in a game that you have never played in, against a team that was here two years ago. And is better
I'm not looking to crack on Carolina, but I will gladly crack on the Philadelphia Eagles. And don't tell me they're the Buffalo Bills of the NFC. The Bills at least won 4 of these games in a row. The Eagles have lost three in a row. The Eagles are better off not even making the playoffs than showing up and getting rolled at home every year. They didn't even compete Sunday: from their wide receivers alligator arming it over the middle, to half their defense letting Deshaun Foster run over them to score. How do you let someone come into your house and violate and abuse you like that? That beat down was simply inexcusable.
Nice to see the King of Freaks, Wacko Jacko taking his child molestation charges so seriously. Did you catch his act at the courtroom recently? What a circus. After showing up late, he left the court house, flashing a victory sign to his equally freaky supporters and then moon walked on the roof of his SUV, before inviting the same losers back to his ranch for a post child molesting arraignment party. Hey Mike Jackson, now would be a good time to start treating those child molestation charges seriously. And throwing a cotton candy and snow cone bash at the ranch is not taking them seriously
Annika Sorenstam's performance at the Colonial was nails, but it was nothing compared to what Michelle Wie did when she missed the cut by a single stroke at the Sony Hawaii Open. Sorenstam has won five majors and is the best player of her generation. Wie is a 14 year old girl. I don't think I'm going to see a 14 year old girl pick up a bat and dig in against Randy Johnson. Or try to check Allen Iverson. Or cover Randy Moss. But she more than held her own against the guys in a tour event. She hits it like a dude, has a great make up and probably could play the tour one day. She's a freak.
Former NFL wideout Rae Carruth is falling. As his former team, the Carolina Panthers are gearing up for the Super Bowl, he is stuck in the slam, beginning year 4 of his 18 year, 11 month sentence for having his pregnant girlfriend killed. Since you're not getting out anytime soon Raenthal, how about some more of that prison poetry you busted out with once? Here, I'll get you started with some haiku:
I shot my wife dead.
Didn't want to be a dad.
I live in a cage.
This week's meltdown belongs to Chicago Bears GM Jerry Angelo who after being asked yet again, why he didn't hire LSU coach Nick Saban, cracked saying, "It has nothing to do with being a control freak…I've listened to so much crap the last two weeks, I had to look myself in the mirror and I said, 'you know, I should have a turban on.'" Nice. When squeezed, go to the turban blast. Don't like the line of questioning, just launch off an ethnic slur. Angelo then backpedaled with a non-apology later in the day, saying, "My reference to wearing a turban earlier in the day was not meant to be hurtful." Thanks for that. Why not just say, I'm sorry I said what I said, it was so stupid, I just don't like Arabs.
The on again, off again Lingerie Bowl is back on again. Despite protests from feminist organizations, those self-employed models will go 7 on 7 in their underwear at halftime of the big game. Just when it looked as if it was dead in the water when its main sponsor Dodge pulled out, partypoker.com came out of nowhere to save the day. Now, we have one stop for all of our degenerate activities: the internet, porn and gambling. If there was some way to have beer pour right out of the TV we'd really be set. And I'm sure engineers are furiously working on that. Or at least they should be.