ROME IS BURNINGI said that I would take a wait and see approach after Kobe Bryant's arrest. That if any athlete deserved the benefit of the doubt, that it was Bryant. Come to find out, he's not any different than any other athlete. While I don't know if he is guilty of felony sexual assault, I do know he's guilty of extreme stupidity and adultery. He's put himself, his wife, his team and the entire NBA right in the crosshairs because he couldn't check himself. This is all on Bryant. If he doesn't invite the accuser to his room, he doesn't have this problem. If she was there to make a delivery, he thanks her and closes the door behind her, he doesn't have this problem. If he didn't have sex with a woman that wasn't his wife, we're not having this discussion. (to the question, what was she doing in his room? What was he doing having sex with her, consensual or otherwise?) Get on a plane, get your scope job, come home to your wife and child and get ready for the upcoming season. He may not be guilty of sexual assault, but he is guilty of conning us into believing he was something he's not. And we're guilty of thinking we knew him. We don't. His own teammates and coaches don't even know him.
Congratulations to Ben Curtis for winning the British open. Yes, I said Ben Curtis. Playing in his first major ever, he was able to hold off tiger woods, 8 majors, Vijay Singh, 2 majors, Davis love, one major and Tomas Bjorn, one colossal choke job. Taking nothing away from Curtis, but Bjorn gave the tourney away when it took him 3 whacks to get it out of a greenside bunker on 16. He blew a 3 shot lead with three to play.. As for Eldrick, that's now five majors in a row without a win. And for the record, if you can't run down Ben Curtis on Sunday, you are in a slump. Ben Curtis?! Let me see if I have this right. Curtis is 1-1 in majors and Phil Mickelson is 0-45? Nice 78 on Sunday, hefty. Yeah, golf makes a lot of sense. Congrats, Ben: tell Bill Rogers, Paul Lawrie and Ian baker finch I said, what's up.
It was 13 years ago this week that Roseanne Barr proved that she might be the single most unappealing person on the face of the earth. It seems like just yesterday that she embarrassed herself and country with this (insert cut). Easily, the worst rendition of the star spangled banner ever. And as a capper, she grabbed her crotch and spit on the ground. Nothing says proud American quite like butching the national anthem, grabbing (your package) and spitting. The padre fans unloaded on her, showering her with boos. She's lucky that's all they hit her with. Look, no one said singing that song is easy. Plenty have struggled with it, but that doesn't mean you make a joke out of it, act like a fool, start playing with yourself and spit on the ground. Where is Maurice cheeks when you need him. How did anyone ever think she was funny? Rock legend Ozzie Osbourne. When he's not dropping f-bombs on his wife and kids on television, he's saving lives. Well, at least one: a coyote locked on to this wife Sharon's Pomeranian, Pipi. Just when it seemed the coyote was going to mow Pipi, crazy Ozzy jumped the yote and ripped Pipi from the jaws of death. Following surgery, Pipi is going to be just fine. Back in the day, someone would have had to pry Pipi's head from Ozzy's mouth.
Ken Griffey Jr: I guess it's true, you can't go home again.. Unless you consider six major injuries since joining the hometown team in 2003, a homecoming. Junior had surgery to repair a shredded tendon in his right ankle Friday and will miss the rest of the season. He's also expected to have surgery on his right shoulder in the coming weeks. Now, there is growing concern that at 33, he may never be the same player he was once. Newsflash, he already wasn't anywhere near the player he once was. His lack of commitment to conditioning and overall bad luck made it so. Think Cincinnati would like to have this one back? At least he won't have to deal with any the pressure of having to run down hank Aaron. At this point, 500 isn't even a lock, much less 755.
Jennifer Lopez: according to published reports, movie execs airbrushed J Lo's massive rump out of pub shots and she's apparently not happy about it. Like we weren't going to know they did that. Besides, is this really a good idea? Why do you think she's so popular. What are they going to try to do next. Airbrush out all 12 of her ex-husbands. Well, anything that makes Ben Affleck disappear is cool by me. In fact, air brush out the entire film that way no one has to suffer through it.
Jerry Kelly melted down on his first first hole in the British open carding a very sporty 11. Yes, I said 11. 25 handicappers don't make an 11. Most incredible thing, he managed to do it without hitting any balls out of bounds. 11. A professional made an 11. A guy good enough to win events on the PGA tour and qualify for the British open made an 11. And he had to make a 30 foot snake to prevent making a 12. Nothing like flying across the ocean to play in one of the biggest events of the year and having it come to an end after exactly one hole. Not that I ever want to see any pro athlete ever, under any circumstances quit, but if I'm jerry Kelly, I would have quit right there
Men vs. Naked women in our nation's newest sport, "hunting for Bambi". A truly deplorable activity, even for a scummy town like Las Vegas, a company there is charging "hunters' between 5 and 10 grand to go out in the desert and shoot naked women with paint balls. The naked women, Bambi's , are dressed in nothing but sneakers and get $1000 for enough degradation to last a lifetime, 2500 if they make it through the hour without getting hit. Losers from as far away as Germany reportedly have come to Vegas for the right to sit in a tree and fire on naked women. Normally, you'd have to leave our country to go to Germany to participate in something this reprehensible. Dudes paying thousands of bones to shoot naked women with guns. What's not wrong with that? That makes deer and other animal hunting look downright civilized. And for those degenerates who are sure to call and email looking for a phone number, I…don't…have…it.
Personal ad of the week comes from a 31 year old, Caucasian female by the name of Susan Smith: she likes to go to church, read, work puzzles and her favorite color is blue. She also loves rainbows ,Mickey Mouse and daisey's. One more thing, she's in the slam after she drove her two kids into a lake and killed them. Right, that Susan Smith. And that personal ad is up on writeaprisoner.com. She says she is looking for someone nonjudgmental and who has an open mind. I can just see some guy look at this and say, "you know I think I we can make this work. She loves rainbows, I love rainbows. She loves to read, I love to read. She's down with Mickey, I love Mickey. And we both love the color blue. This is great! But I am really hung up on that thing about her killing her kids. And then trying to blame it on "black guys". There is that. Are you kidding me. Susan Smith, at write a childkiller.com or whatever is, is soliciting penpals. The only worse than the ad, is the fact that there will be a long of people around the block trying to get in touch with her.