ROME IS BURNINGRicky Williams' buzz must really be starting to take hold because now comes word that he'd love to play for the Oakland Raiders in 2005. What?!! I thought he quit football because he no longer had a passion for the game. That he wanted to seek the truth. That he wasn't consumed or defined by being a professional athlete. Either it was all that or he's just a quitter who wanted to sit around, getting baked and not deal with a third positive drug test. Hey Rick, are you just making this up as you go along, between bowls? He obviously didn't retire if he's already talking about playing next year. For another team. That's not retiring: that's quitting. That's not being eccentric, that's being a quitter. Put the bong down, Rick.
Former Dallas Cowboys QB Quincy Carter says he doesn't know why the Cowboys just broke him off, but denies reports that he's used cocaine and calls all this drug talk ridiculous. Look, I don't know whether Quincy partakes in the Bolivian marching powder or not, but why else would a team just whack a guy who led them to the playoffs last year without any explanation whatsoever. A guy who reportedly has spent time in rehab and is reportedly in the NFL's substance abuse program as we speak. If they cut him because he couldn't play, why not just say it. But they're not saying anything. Maybe it's drugs. Maybe it's football. Or maybe it's both. After all, Bill Parcells never had a problem with Lawrence Taylor flying around the field tricked up on cocaine.
I think we all knew the end was near for Mike Tyson, but I don't think many of us thought it would end this way: with him getting obliterated by a clubber named Danny Williams. Mike's career was supposed to end with him snapping one last time and breaking his opponent's arm, or biting off his leg or punching the ref in the face. Mike Tyson shouldn't be getting knocked out by Danny Williams; he should be threatening to eat his children. $38 million in debt, no money, no future in boxing and no hope. Get ready for the real circus to begin.
And finally, Atlanta falcons QB Mike Vick says he's not going to get a haircut until the Falcons win the Super Bowl. "I'm really superstitious, so I'm going to let it grow. As bad as I want to cut it off my head, and as hot as I am, I won't cut it off until I win a Super Bowl." Mike, you didn't crack your stick because you didn't get a trim, you broke it because you were going 1 on 11 as always and a 270 pound defensive end got sick of chasing you all over the field, fell on you and smashed it. Johnny Damon has already done the athlete who won't cut his hair trick thing: you're going to have to find something else.
Rising, golfer John Daly. Incredibly, JD has resurrected his career. Frankly, I didn't think he had the heart, the grit or the desire to do it. He was drowning in debt, overweight, shaking on the course, burning heaters, quitting in the middle of rounds, and an absolute mess, but he is back. He won in San Diego earlier this year, just missed beating Vijay Singh in Michigan this past week and has a shot at making the Ryder Cup team. One thing though, JD, how do you have patches for both Trim Spa and Dunkin Donuts on your gear? A little more Trim Spa and a little less Dunkin Donuts is in order. My man makes Phil Mickelson look like Tiger Woods.
Falling, former President Bill Clinton who was mulling an offer to host Saturday Night Live. Of course, Bill Clinton has to host Saturday Night Live. Why wouldn't he do it? Because he's afraid of tarnishing the Oval Office? That ship sailed right around the time he turned that chunky intern into a Presidential humidor. If he was truly concerned about the integrity of the office, he wouldn't be soliciting oral favors from interns. Nor would he be releasing his memoirs in a presidential election year or criticizing the sitting President, another breach in Presidential protocol.
Finally, I mention this as a public service announcement for all of you have teenage boys. Pedophile Mary Kay Letourneau is out of the slam and loose on the streets. Letourneau, a former teacher, spent 7 and a half years in the slam after having an affair with a six grade student, says she just wants to live a normal life. Hey MK, there's nothing normal about being a 34-year old mother of four and having sex with a sixth grader. You've already ruined, by my count, 8 lives: your husband, your four kids, your unemployed GED-less boyfriend and the two kids you had with him. Register as a sex offender, stay away from the playgrounds and stop saying you just want a normal life.