ROME IS BURNINGI still can't believe that cook county judge Leo Holt let that psychotic William Ligue Jr. Off with just a slap on the wrist after he and his kid assaulted Kansas City coach Tom Gamboa last year in Chicago. Some guy on cranks jumps a fence, attacks a defenseless old guy from behind and gets probation? Where's the deterrent in that? Even worse was his explanation: "what fan has not seen a pitcher intentionally hurl a baseball at a player's head 90 miles per hour? Who has not seen a batter leave home plate headed for the pitcher's mound, bat in hand, bent on mischief and mayhem?" He also blamed stadium beer vendors calling Comiskey Park "the world's largest saloon." Ridiculous. Look, major league baseball didn't shoot this guy full of crank and help him over the fence and onto the field. The vendors at the park didn't jam a funnel down his throat and make him drink. Ligue did it himself. Hey Leo, instead of making excuses for the man, you should be demanding some accountability and responsibility from him. You had a chance to send every drug addict and no-lifer looking to get on the field a message and you whiffed. Absolutely brutal, judge.
Ever see a more hard luck guy than John Daly. He cannot get a break. Either he's drinking away a promising golf career or losing millions in a casino, or fighting an addiction to grub, or burning one heater off another or recording the worst album in the history of the world. But, just when it looked as if things were settling down, his wife, either number 3 or 4, I lost count, gets picked up for allegedly laundering money for a drug and gambling ring. J.D.'s lawyers insist he had no knowledge of his wife's alleged activities (insert cut: "you don't know meee." well, we don't know you J.D... and apparently you don't know your own wife. Not only did he say he didn't know she was a crook, allegedly, he once said of her, "she's not into material things at all. She's a good country girl." Apparently. She's not into material things? But she has been accused of laundering money. She's not into material things and you're not into Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip muffins. This poor guy can't catch a break.
Former first round draft pick, Carolina Panther wide receiver and current inmate Rae Carruth has been denied a new trial. He is currently serving an 18 year, 11 month sentence after he and his boys shot and killed his pregnant girlfriend. For some reason the judge decided that guys who shoot pregnant women are better off in the slam. Tough luck Raenthal. When you aren't making your 9 cents a day in the prison laundry or kitchen, maybe you can knock out some more of that poetry you reportedly were working on. Perhaps some haiku:
Shouldn't have shot her.
First round draft pick or inmate?
I live in a cage.
He probably should have thought that one through a little better. 19 years in the slam? I don't think he's going to have much of an NFL career waiting for him when he gets out.
I have to come to correct. I cracked hard when Minnesota elected a former wrestler as its governor, but we here in California have nothing on them. Some 150 losers, rejects and misfits have jumped into this state's recall election in October. Gray Davis now has to contend with the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, Larry Flint, and Angelyne, whatever she is. And these are some of the better candidates. Sure, t-3 is laughable but he's Thomas Jefferson compared to Willis' little brother, Arnold Drummond. I'd be embarrassed by Larry Flynt, except that he's George Washington compared to Angelyne. Can't wait to hear that platform: more porn in schools. Hookers on every corner. And a complete breakdown in the moral fabric of the community. Gary Coleman for governor? Hey about this, anyone who appears on star dates is banned from running for public office. How did he even come up with the $3500 fee to run? Wasn't he just selling his bowling shoes and cereal bowls on eBay? We are the golden sty. Baby: an action hero from Austria, a porn king, a four footer, and 150 other losers and degenerates. Can I only vote for one candidate? Accept my apologies, Minnesota. In fact, I think I'll be moving there. Governor Coleman? For some reason, that doesn't sound that reassuring.
Props to the University of So. Florida football team: according to the New York Times, the team has fathered 60 children. I said 60! Do they give these guys Gatorade at halftime or Viagra smoothies? Instead of passing out helmets and shoulder pads the first day of practice they should hand out cold showers and condoms. There shouldn't be more kids on the sidelines than people in the stands. 60! And keep the fundamentals of tackling in mind: always wrap up.
The Portland Trailblazers: tired of being the halfway house for NBA degenerates have instituted a "code of conduct" for their players. We were able to obtain a copy and it reads in part: all players will be expected to adhere to a strict code of conduct but minor infractions will still be allowed; for instance, the organization will still tolerate multiple arrests for the hippie lettuce. Management still recommends wrapping said chronic in aluminum foil before walking through airport metal detectors. Ownership will still look the other way when players rape their nannies, and players will still be allowed to cave in each other's faces. Other than these few exceptions, the player will be expected to maintain a certain level of decorum. Also, if you have to tell your players not to rape and smoke, no code of conduct is going to contain them.
Seattle and the Yanks met for the first time since they swapped relievers Armando Benitez and Jeff Nelson Friday night. And how apropos it was: nelson came out of the bully to punch out the side in the 8th and Benitez came out for the bottom half with his gas can, threw a few lit matches around the infield, got hit around and the yanks won 9-7. So not only do the mariners not make a move at the deadline to improve themselves, they actually got worse by bringing in that can Benitez. And made them even more vulnerable by helping their chief rival in the AL. Not hard to see why the mariners have never won it all and never will.
Ruben Studdard: not long ago, American Idol crowned Mo Vaughn, err Ruben Studdard as its second champion. Come to find out, Ruben may have broken the rules by secretly accepting payments from a clothing company to wear its gear on the show. What? How do you cheat in karaoke? : How are there even rules to begin with? All these lip-syncers do is sing songs that someone else made famous anyway. And if they do break rube off, does that mean that the very waifish clay, as one of you once referred to him , gets the title of American loser, err, idol. And if they do rip rube's title, does he still get to play first base for the Mets?
Mary Decker: hard to believe it was 19 years ago that Mary Decker was slide tackled by a bare footed Zola Budd in the 1984 Olympics. You can have Mark Spitz winning his 7 golds, or Jesse Owens shoving it in Hitler's face. For my money, this was the single greatest Olympic moment ever. An over hyped runner, taking a dive in the early stages of the 3000 meters and then lying on the ground screaming like she had been shot in the face. Mary, you're a world class athlete: it's a skinned knee. Get up and run. And Zola, I have no idea where you are now, but hopefully you've gotten a pair of shoes.
There have been a lot of bad ideas in this world, and this one is going to go right near the top of the list. There's a company that will have celebrities, and I use that word loosely and athletes call and leave you a message. I'm talking a-listers such as re-run from what's happening, Epstein from Welcome Back Katter, Arnold's older brother from Diff'rent Strokes. Brilliant, who hasn't thought, what I'd give to be able to rap with re-run. Thing is, you better talk fast: it's 20 bucks for 15 seconds. Like that's not the biggest scam ever. For 20 bucks, Epstein better come over to my house, mow my lawn, play with my kids, cook me dinner and be glad I offered him the chance to do so. Rerun should pay 20 bucks for people to talk to him. These freaks aren't even famous enough to make it to loser shows like the surreal life or celebrity mole 16. Oh and remember, the calls automatically terminate after 15 seconds. God forbid you get an extra bonus second or two with rerun. Every last person on this list should be ashamed of themselves. Go sell your body, or sell your blood, or volunteer for science experiments, you know, something respectable. Hey, hey hey!