ROME IS BURNINGFirst the Florida Gators throw a crocodile on the cover of their media guide and then they come from ahead to tank against Miami, 38-33. . And that's what that was, a tank job. I don't care how young the crocs are, or the fact that they were 2 t.d. dogs, giving up 28 unanswered points to lose to your in-state rival is a choke job pure and simple. Incredibly, Croc Shanon Snell fueled by both his own my opia and sense of denial actually thought the crocs proved a point: "everyone was watching this and now they know the gators are for real." What?! His team blew a 23 point lead to the canes and not only is he not mad, he's celebrating? I never thought I'd see the day when the gators would be celebrating moral victories over the canes. And that's what they're doing. And that's pathetic.
Wild weekend for the New York Yankees: Friday, George Steinbrenner sounded like he was going to start whacking coaches and breaking off players. He even smacked manager Joe Torre for not be tough enough saying, "we can't be hugging players when they are doing dumb things. Maybe the time for hugging is over. We need to get tough." Then by Sunday, he had chilled out, saying, "there are no plans anywhere to fire anybody." Right, until they get rolled up again in the playoffs and then coaches Rick Down, Mel Stottlemyre and Don Zimmer can start looking for work. As for Joe Torre, George, you don't decide when Joe Torre leaves, Torre decides. The guy has led your club to four world titles and five pennants: he didn't forget how to manage overnight and he doesn't need you looking over his shoulder second guessing his every move. You hired the man to do a job, now let him do it. Back off, George.
Governor Schwarzeneggar: he skipped a debate recently with the other legitimate candidates and then had a heckler dot him with an egg during a speech. Then he busted on rivals Gray Davis and Cruz Bustamante saying , "those guys are the twin terminators of Sacramento." Good one, Arnie. No really, I never get tired of those ridiculous movie quips that some intern writes for you. (your candidacy have been tuhminated, Ahhnold. Too bad, I was really looking forward to watching him run our state into the ground).
The basketball hall of fame: for letting meadowlark lemon in. Look, I know how much you all love those basketball playing clowns, but if you let this guy in, you're going to have to let bozo the clown in as well. Believe me, he's at least as deserving. Does the hall have a clown wing that I don't know about? A ladder, confetti, a ball under his shirt, the three man weave: that's not basketball, that's the circus. Does lobster boy get in also?
Pittsburgh Stealer lb Joey Porter. Just three days after being shot in the backside and having the bullet lodge in his right thigh, Porter was at practice trying to talk his way into playing in the opener: "if the hole closes up pretty quickly without any infection, give me a shot and I'll be ready to go." Give you a shot? You were shot! Bro, this isn't playmakers, this is the NFL and real life. You've got a burning slug in your leg. The needle won't fix that. (yeah, NFL players aren't twisted).
Jennifer Capriati, at the u.s. open, was up 5-2 in the third, serving for the match twice, before snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, against Justine Henin-hardenne. I don't know how to say this other than to just say it: you don't blow 5-2 leads in the third set of grand slam events. Unless your name is Jana Novotna. A loss like this may have devastated a younger Capriati., but I'm sure you'll roll with this one. Just to be sure someone should check all area motels to ensure that Jen doesn't have her lips wrapped around a bong with a bunch of teenage leaches ready to use her for her credit cards again. Women's tennis doesn't need that and neither does Jen.
*smackdown: Detroit tiger Mike Mirth finally lost magic number 20 Friday night, but the smackdown is not on him. It's on 20 game loser, and now just loser, Brian Kingman. Kingman, of course, was the last guy to lose 20. No other professional athlete in the history of sports would ever want to have anything to do with a mark like that: Kingman, though, has revelled in his lack of talent. Those 20 losses have essentially given him a reason to live. Now, that's gone. Now, he's just another bad big leaguer. I hated to see a quality guy, who pitched his guts end up with this dubious distinction, but someone had to get it. Thanks to Maroth, MLB is rid of Brian Kingman once and for all.
*when in Rome: It was at this time in 1966 that star trek premiered on NBC. Fast forward 37 years and several generations of losers, errr trekkies, are still worshipping at the altar of captain James T. Kirk. Look freaks, it's a t.v. show. And not a very good one at that. Pretty disturbing, actually. Put away the Spock ears, lose the ridiculous kling-on language and go find yourselves a life. And the same goes for you Star Wars fan, Dungeons and Dragons fans , and the rest of you misfits.
It was 30 years ago this season that OJ Simpson broke the 2000 yard barrier in a single season. An incredible accomplishment, esp. Considering he did it in 14 games. Too bad, 30 years later, almost no one knows he did it and the few who do, don't care. Murdering a couple of people tends to obscure any and all athletic achievements. I think we all agree, two murders always trumps 2000 yards rushing.
Jennifer Lopez is all bent because someone leaked the details about her Santa Barbara wedding to bad actor and Matt Damon gravy train Ben Affleck. J-lo is looking to go soprano on the person who ratted them out. Easy, lo: after you divorce him in six months, you can just keep the next one a secret. Ease up, girlfriend.