ROME IS BURNINGThe Detroit Tigers didn't offer Phil Mickelson a minor league contract meaning he has to abort his ridiculous dream of becoming a pitcher. Lefty had actually thrown to some minor leaguers, even offering double aa'ers $300 bones if they took him yard. Hefty, is there anything you won't bet on? Despite being told to go away, he just can't let it go: "throwing a baseball is an important part of my workout program, so if I can get my speed up to 85 mph or above consistently, I wouldn't rule out trying this again." Turn the page, h. What happens if you blow out your elbow in one of these adult fantasy camps of yours or some minor league scrub cracks open your skull with a line drive? Do you think tiger woods or anyone who takes their craft seriously would ever try something like this? Of course not. Phil, you're a guy with way too much money and time on your hands and not enough desire to get better. And now you're embarrassing yourself. Stop it.
Bill Romanowski has apologized for breaking teammate Marcus Williams face but I'm guessing that's not going to make Williams feel any better. The raiders, though, weren't that concerned about the attack. They were just thrilled that it was Williams and not rich Gannon or jerry rice. They suspended Romo for just one practice; in effect rewarded him, giving him a day off for his efforts. If you go down the hallway and break a co-worker's orbital bone, you can expect to be taken away in cuffs. Of course, they knew what they were getting when they brought this psycho in. Romo is crazy.. Look, I understand he lives on the edge, plays on the edge and wouldn't be the player he is, if he didn't. But this is way over the top. Some of his borderline cheapshots are one thing, but pounding a teammate onto injured reserve, and knocking him out for the season is entirely another. That's not football, that's assault.
Shaquille O'Neal told the l.A. Times recently he has lost 15 pounds and that he's ready to go: "a lot of people talk about me as if I had a weight problem. The only problem I had was waiting for the ball. So run it through the diesel. I'm mad and I'm ready to go." Always reaching for the one liner that just isn't there, eh daddy? First of all, you absolutely had a weight problem. You didn't wait too long for the ball, you waited too long to push away from the table. You waited too long in the drive through line. And most of all, you waited too long to have surgery on your toe, got much too fat and then tried to play yourself back into shape during the season and it didn't work. But of course, that's our fault, and your teammates' fault for not getting you the ball. Typical O'Neal: he fails to take any responsibility for his play or attitude last year and then lashes out at everybody else. Of course, he'll use that to fuel his fire, lose some weight and come back and dominate. Whatever it takes for you to earn your check big man, something you didn't do last year. It looks as if this state might not be run by a former juicer turned action hero afterall. Although, I will say, governor Schwarzeneggar has weathered the storm pretty well. Arnold told Oui, a now defunct skank rag, in 1977, that he engaged in group sex and like to burn the hippie lettuce and hash., as well as hang out with bar owners and hookers. Political careers are blown up over a burning blunt or a single misspeak, but Arnold can smoke the chronic, engage in group sex and it's all good? How does that work? And how were Arnie and the fellas all able to perform: I would have thought all the roids they were jamming into their bodies might have prevented them from being "up" to the task so to speak. Look, every politician has some skeletons in his closet, but not too many have admitted to having group sex, hitting the bong, and having a father who belonged to the nazi party. You will not be back!
It looks as if this state might not be run by a former juicer turned action hero afterall. Although, I will say, Governor Schwarzeneggar has weathered the storm pretty well. Arnold told Oui, a now defunct skank rag, in 1977, that he engaged in group sex and like to burn the hippie lettuce and hash., as well as hang out with bar owners and hookers. Political careers are blown up over a burning blunt or a single misspeak, but Arnold can smoke the chronic, engage in group sex and it's all good? How does that work? And how were Arnie and the fellas all able to perform: I would have thought all the roids they were jamming into their bodies might have prevented them from being "up" to the task so to speak. Look, every politician has some skeletons in his closet, but not too many have admitted to having group sex, hitting the bong, and having a father who belonged to the nazi party. You will not be back!
Mike Tyson, who has signed to compete in k-1, or extreme fighting, ultimate fighting, no rules fighting, human cockfighting or whatever you want to call it, in Japan. Of course, it's the next logical step on mike's one way trip to carnivals and state fairs. Next stop, professional wrestling, and then it won't be long before mike is chilling with the bearded lady, lobster boy, fighting guys out of the stands, tearing telephone books in half and bending steel bars with his teeth. As for no rules fighting, well, from the looks of Evander Holyfield's ear, I don't think he followed the rules that closely anyway.
Just when you think that the MTV awards can't get any more outrageous, Madonna, Brittany spears and Christina Aguilera exchange tongues on camera. . Well done, ladies. And very spontaneous. Shocking only in its predictability. Madonna is a 40-something mom, trying desperately to hang on, that little orgy actually made Aguilera look more dignified than she normally does and clearly, Brittany still hasn't gotten over getting dumped by that guy with the afro from o-town, or boys to men or whatever band he was in. Look I'm fine with MTV not showing videos anymore but when did they become a porn channel?
The USC Trojans: it's official, coach Pete Carroll has restored the Trojan program to national prominence. The Trojans, with question marks at quarterback and running back went into auburn Saturday and punched the tigers right in the mouth, shutting them out 23-0. A nice swift buttkicking by the Trojans. This on the heels of last year's smackdown of overhyped and overrated Iowa in the orange bowl. Thanks to Carroll, the Trojan program will once again be known for Heisman trophy winners and new year's day games and not homicidal former running backs and a white horse.
And a very happy 45th birthday this week to none other than the king of freaks, errr. Pop, Michael Jackson. And what do you get a guy who already has Disneyland in his back yard? I mean, other than more kids? For his amusement park, of course. And he has so much to celebrate: a career that's in the toilet, more lawsuits than he can count, one whacked marriage after another, a butchered grill, financial trouble and one baby dangled off a hotel balcony. I don't even want to know who or what is going to pop out of his cake. Happy birthday Jacko, you're a sick freak.
Just like clockwork, Orenthal j. Simpson is back in the news. This time, for telling playboy magazine, (I know, you read it for the articles) that he got off because he had the money and that he was able to deal with all the stress by firing up the hippie lettuce at night: "I didn't commit the crime. That is why I got off..but I don't know if I could have proven my innocence if I didn't have the money." Oadge really is something. He's actually convinced himself that he didn't do it. But he's right about one thing, if he didn't have the jack, he probably would be rotting in a jail cell right now. As for his drug usage, "my drug of choice now is vioxx. When I got out of jail, I kind of appreciated pot more than I ever have in my life." Considering what he did, that guy probably would have to stuff his bong full to sleep at night. I would imagine the demons from the double murders come on pretty strong when the lights go out (allegedly) memo to everyone in the world, stop talking to this guy and maybe he'll just go away once and for all. (getting away with murder would have been good enough for the rest of us, why isn't it for you?)