ROME IS BURNINGNot that this will come as a surprise to anyone, but former NFL first rounder Lawrence Philips reportedly sold one of his Big-12 championship rings to a Las Vegas pawnshop for 20 bucks. He said he needed the money to get out of town how far can you get from Vegas on 20 bucks? Primm? Henderson? From 6th overall in the draft to selling off one of his most prized possessions for 20 bucks in less than a decade. That's not easy to do. Look, I'm not looking to pile on because this is a sad, sad story. But bro, if you're stuck in Barstow now , and you looking to move that other Big-12 ring, lob me a phone call. One, I want the jewelry, two, I won't go pawn broker and jam you with a twenty spot for it. I'll give you at least forty.
The Iraqi soccer team has a chance for just its second medal ever in the Olympics. It's amazing how much effective these guys are without that psychopathic, homicidal nut, Uday Hussein running the show. Who wouldn't perform better knowing that a missed penalty kick could result in getting your finger nails ripped off? The only thing better than the Iraqi's coming out of nowhere to possibly medal is President Bush showing up and basically taking credit for it. While you're over there backslapping, why don't you ask their mid-fielder if he knows were those WMD's are. No one else seems to.
NHL star Chris Chelios has represented the US 3 times as an Olympian but apparently that's still not enough. He's thinking about representing Greece as a member of the bobsled team in the 2006 games. No Chellie. No. Just no. I know you are proud of your Greek heritage, but I for one am not going to allow you to tarnish your legacy as a great hockey player by jumping in some stupid toboggan. First of all, no real Olympic athlete recognizes bobsledders as Olympians. Pushing and sitting does not an athlete make. If you do this, then Stevie Yzerman is going to want to luge and Brett Hull is going to want to curl. I have appointed myself the head of the bobsled federation and your request has been denied.
And not to go jingoistic on anyone, but how do we not medal in men's beach volleyball? Worse yet, landlocked Switzerland were the ones to finish us. How is that even possible? They don't have any ocean anywhere and without the ocean, there is no beach, so how did they beat us at beach volleyball, a sport we invented? I think it's time for us to invent some new sports; sports that we can dominate. You know, like, starting wars. Or shopping at the Gap. No way Kazakhstan beats us at that, like they did wrestling. Or, eating fast food. Or being lazy. No one is touching us in those events.
Falling, Green Bay QB Tim Couch. He has a QB rating of under 40 in his two games with the Pack and has looked even worse than that. In other words, the heir apparent to Brett Favre might not even make it out of the preseason. Remember all that talk from Couch that he was a starter in this league and that he wasn't going to hold anyone's clipboard. You don't want to be a backup? How does selling insurance sound? Last I checked, 'Tim Couch, back up NFL quarterback' still has a better ring to it than 'Tim Couch Allstate, agent'.
Rising, 46 year old Atlanta Brave Julio Franco. Honestly, that is the most absurd thing I have ever heard in my life. He's 46! This isn't some beer league softball team. Or some 40+ hardball league. He's not even a situational lefty who comes in once a week to face a single batter, ala Jesse Orosco. He's 46, and batting in the middle of the lineup and playing first ball for a first place team. Franco recently passed Mickey Mantle on the all time hit list. Either that, or he played with him. 46! 46 year olds shouldn't be playing Major League Baseball; they should be shopping for a Buick and getting fitted for those gigantic green cataract sunglasses.
Falling, New York Yankees center fielder Bernie Williams, who is hitting a full 40 points below his career average. Then again, it's really not Bernie's fault. After all, it's hard to play this game with a giant fork jammed between your shoulder blades. Look, I hate to even go here: Williams has been such a great player, has given the Yanks so many great moments and always been a class act, but that enormous fork sticking out of his back is really slowing down his bat. Even Kenny Lofton thinks he's done. My man, I think it's time to play guitar full time.
And finally, as I mentioned here last week, I am on board with Michael "wacko jacko" Jackson. Or at least I was. Until I heard MJ is not down with the handle 'wacko jacko". He called it a "hurtful lie" and says he is tired of being "humiliated and vilified." Look freak, we'll all stop calling you "wacko jacko" when you stop being the biggest nut job on the face of the earth. I'll drop that gloss when you stop wearing Spiderman masks to Taco Bell, stop feeding kids wine in soda cans (allegedly) and pull out those adult alarms you have wired to your bedroom door. In other words, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's Wacko Jacko. Look, I'm off the wacko bandwagon once and for all. If I can't go to the "wacko" blast, then we have nothing to talk about.